disillusioningillusion

 23/09/20 I have been out of contact with June Scarlet for over a year. As this is out of character for June Scarlet , to not contact me for so long, I come to the belief that June Scarlet is dead, and I am justified in believing so. Or rather, because I cannot come to terms with this belief of mine, I shove this belief to the back of my head, instead holding a more general belief that “one of my friends from JC is dead”. Unbeknownst to me, June Scarlet has actually migrated to someplace far away, and deleted all her contacts, in order to run away from the old life she hates, and is not, in fact, dead. However, also unbeknownst to me, another friend, Mic, has recently passed away due to a Myocardial Infarction, and I did not receive news of this because I have fallen out with her. As such, my belief that “one of my JC friends is dead” is true. Regarding this statement, “one of my friends from JC is dead”, I have a Justified True Belief of it. 1.      It is t...

03/07/20 (am) A la the spirit of this article https://dollarsandsense.sg/win-toto-lottery-receive-huge-inheritance-singapore/ , I have decided to “seriously” contemplate what I would do if I receive a sudden windfall. Be it from lottery (which I morally object to), or from finding some cash lying around. Or a game show, or something. Or from something like the Sheng Siong Show. Or some Lucky Draw. Which I am less morally opposed to. Because thinking about impossible things is certainly more interesting than writing about how I fucked up my investing during the first ever recession / market crash I was able to experience. (I swear I’ll get to that. Someday.) If I had a million dollars. If I had a million dollars, I think the first thing I would want to do would be to buy some property. Then I would be able to milk that sweet rental income and real estate appreciation. Yea, I know it’s a renters’ market out there right now. Whatever that means. I saw that somewhere and it happened...

30/06/20 (am) I started doing yoga recently. Of course, it will be great if I can do it every day, but I am human, and commitment is difficult. So, I’m only doing it whenever I happen to wake up in the morning on the right side of the bed. Or at night when I don’t feel like sleeping. I’ve been using the Down Dog app. Which is a paid app with 3 free sessions before they start forcing you to pay. But I’ve been creating new Gmail accounts after each one runs out of uses. And I think its pretty good. Apart from the fact that with different accounts I can’t track my practices. But I’m certainly not gonna buy it…its too expensive. Has it helped with flexibility? I don’t know. I am naturally flexible, and I’ve been trying to stretch every night anyway. Strength? I can’t tell either. But the main benefit that I have realized is the calm. The stillness. During Savasana at the end. Where you just lie down and try to relax everything. There is a wave of calm that washes over me. Like the wo...

17/06/20 (again, in the AM lol) Following up on yesterday’s ramblings. I may want to start trying to track my food and trying to do actual intermittent fasting with the 16/8 or 18/6 schedule again. Probably I won’t try to make vegetarianism the focus this time. Because the failure will just overwhelm me, lol. Currently I am already kind of intermittent fasting? Because I don’t usually eat breakfast. But the problem is that I am eating supper at like 3am lol. That has got to go. Perhaps I’ll try to limit my eating window to be from 12pm to 8pm, or 1pm to 7pm if it is possible. With some exceptions for coffee and tea in the morning. But I am not sure if I want to make sure that the coffee is 0 calorie by using pure coffee. I mean, if I want to circumvent that I can just drink after the eating window starts so that I can add milk and sugar. Also, an exception for fruits and some dessert at night. But certainly not other snacks or supper meals. Hopefully this will help me to lose t...

16/06/20 (in the am again) I was packing my stuffs earlier this night. And I happened to chance upon my 2018 bujo / bullet journal. Which wasn’t really a “bullet” journal as much as it was a brain dump and a tracker of many things of sorts. There was a period of time in that journal, where I tracked my food and eating habits every day. Towards the middle of 2018, I somehow got the idea of becoming vegetarian / trying to be vegetarian. And the first thing I decided to do was to track it down. Because, the guilt of having to write down how much animal products I’m eating may just make me more conscious of my everyday choices and choose vegetarian options. From there, I moved on from just tracking my daily meals, to also tracking the snacks, beverages, and fruits that I’m eating. A more health focused thing. And for a while I believe I even began to track my poop habits and the amount of water I am drinking. Is it bad to focus so much on what I eat? Different camps have different opin...

15/06/20 Everything I do is foolish. And I am useless. Ok, so now the hackathon is over, after 48 hours. 48 hours of me not doing anything and being a useless burden. And, having piqued my friends’ expectations by getting good grades in my exams but being a complete fool when it comes to real world programming. Heck, even a fucking dude in NS who hasn’t taken any formal lessons is able to code better than me. FML. And now it is time for the next project. CP2106. I’m supposed to be working on it now. instead, the fear of not knowing what to do, has caused such intense analysis paralysis that I chose to commit verbal diarrhea over here instead. At the start of last month, May 2020, having just finished my second semester in NUS CS splendidly (I mean, in terms of the grades I thought I would be getting, at least for CS2040), I was hopeful for the next three months. I expected that I would be able to make good use of it and complete a lot of projects. The first objective was orbital. B...

13/06/20 (Cos apparently even though I have become too shite at writing, but not over social sciences yet.) Theory of Mind: the idea of being able to identify your own desires and understand that other people may have different goals and desires than yourself. It is said that people who have autism spectrum disorder will often have a deficit in this, being unable to read the emotions of other people. 27 different emotions: I learnt today that there are actually 27 different distinct emotions, which is more than the 6 emotions that people used to think existed. I am quite surprised at this large number. I thought it was something more like 5 basic emotions, considering that one black mirror episode where they talked about how cookie’s rights and how they were required to be able to express at least 5 different emotions in order to be ethical. Black Museum, I think. Instead there are 27 different emotions. Here is the list of emotions: admiration, adoration, aesthetic appreciation,...