disillusioningillusion

Normal me is a constant state of “oh crap am I gonna die” and “I want to kill myself” and “fuck life”. But not all is dark up here. Maybe people don’t know that. Or they do not think that that is possible. But I am part cinnamon roll too. I love and I care too. And I am warmth too. Maybe less sunshine and more the burning embers of hell. But I can be warm too. Especially when I realize that someone is suffering more than I am. Someone whom I care about. And whom I want to protect. And in view of the fact that some people are harming themselves by like, cutting themselves with a blade, or other hurtful, painful, and dangerous methods, here is a list of things that I propose a person who wants to harm themselves can do instead. 1.       Shaving. I recently bought a new straight edge razor. Not to cut myself with. But for actual shaving. And like, I wanted to do my own hair someday and that seems like a useful tool. 2.       Drawin...

So this Deepavali fell on a Sunday, and the following Monday was a public holiday in lieu. I had three fucking submissions due on that day, mind you. XX is a Bitch. Or rather, I shouldn’t be blaming XX, since two of the submissions were for an Introductory Biology module. Anyways, it was a Monday, and two thirds of the way into the day, with a mere 8 hours left to the dreaded 2359, it was made known to me that I would have to attend a dinner event. It was a Clan Association thing. And I wouldn’t bother with events, except that by going I would receive $300 for some academic award, and there was WINE. Mind you, wine. And so I went. I delayed going out of the house for ass long as possible, and was a bit late as a result. And so the dinner began, and me and my siblings went on stage for the awards. My family, sat at a table with another portly middle aged man, who was receiving the award on behalf of his son who had exams the next day. So and no one else. The table was only half fill...

30/09/19 I have been drafting a piece called “why I think I am dying”. It is not ready yet, but this is a relevant piece which will add one more reason to why I think I am dying. I have loved alcohol since I tasted it in 2012 when I was on holiday and tried some Champagne. I mean, yeah, the taste is bitter and all, but I am someone who drinks black coffee and black tea and finds it nice. I think I am the kind of person who lacks a certain taste receptor which makes me less sensitive to certain unpleasant tastes in alcohol, bitter coffee, and certain vegetables. Cos I pretty much thrive on these three things. I remember very very rarely having a sip of alcohol or two at family functions after that. And occasionally I’d sneak a sip from the open bottles. The first time I had alcohol outside of my house was I think in 2016 when I was doing some science project at a friend’s house. Or maybe we were playing. And she brought a pitcher of something that was probably kombucha or some k...

30/09/19 This is a letter to my father that he should never ever read. Dear Daddy, I admire you so much, you are such an inspiration, but some things that you do I just cannot understand and I completely disagree with. Your life is perfect, and I am lucky to be born to someone so wholesome and so perfect. Your life is perfect, what more do you so desire? Say you play the lottery and you win a thousand grand. A few thousand grand. So what? You have that! you have a thousand grand. I know it. I also know the stock market is volatile, but you had it! And in a few years, maybe a couple decades you will have a paid off property worth over a thousand grand if the property market holds out. Why do you sin? Why are you addicted to the lottery? A hundreds of dollars a week. I mean, I could make better use of that money! I want the best for you and your psyche and your constant desiring for something that is based on pure luck and is a statistical impossibility is unhealthy. I ki...

12/09/19 I contemplate postponing this action to two months later when all this is either solidified or has blown over. But sober me will never approve of such doings. High on adrenaline and a small percentage of ethanol, I am about to do something that I may regret for the rest of my life. Like the Witch in Into the Woods who never checked if the baker stole the beans. It cost her, her youth. And what this cost me, I do not yet know. But such unchecked wilderness cannot possibly lead to positive outcomes. X is panicky, distraught, her constituents in anarchy. By the things that Y has said. X is hurt. X appreciates Y’s point of view, that she likes her acquaintance sets to be pairwise disjoint, that the elements in such sets shall never intersect. However, this house subscribes to the theory of six degrees of separation. And furthers it to say that in our globalized and connected world, a theory of four degrees of separation may be even more appropriate. This house believes t...

22/08/19 Merely compounded by me writing this. Because I have a long list of assignments to do, which all have very close, and rapidly approaching deadlines. And enormous consequences if I do not submit them in time. And also, another long list of homework that I need to be accountable for, because it is only the second week of school and I have already fallen behind. And every assignment is recorded in my grades, which directly affects my entire life. and it terrifies me. But I am putting it off because I really have to write. And type. And bang the keyboard. With words that are mine. Words that I want to write. Words that I am writing because it is what I feel, and not words that I am writing because I need to write them, because I am afraid of the consequences. Words that can flow from my fingertips, dripping with my blood, and tears. But effortless. Words with essence, not merely a shell of myself. And writing. Words that can take away some of the pain. Words that can distrac...

15/07/19 When I first watched Phantom of the Opera, specifically a proshot recording of the 25 th anniversary version, back in August 2018, I was blown away by the amazing songs and the wonder of all the voice variation ad emotion. I didn’t really understand the exact details of the storyline, that was to say. To the extend of confusing Raoul and Erik in the songs, especially the duets with Christine. But now I find I can identify which parts are Erik singing and which parts are Raoul. Not just cos of the voice registers and the vocal texture of the singers. Because that really depends on which actor is playing Raoul or Erik. I haven’t heard many versions of the musical soundtrack, but usually I think Erik has a lower voice as compared to Raoul. But it is the thematic difference in the lyrics that Erik and Raoul sing that I use to differentiate who is singing which part. Songs include: ·          Think of Me ·     ...