Myriad of Problems

22/08/19

Merely compounded by me writing this. Because I have a long list of assignments to do, which all have very close, and rapidly approaching deadlines. And enormous consequences if I do not submit them in time. And also, another long list of homework that I need to be accountable for, because it is only the second week of school and I have already fallen behind. And every assignment is recorded in my grades, which directly affects my entire life. and it terrifies me.

But I am putting it off because I really have to write. And type. And bang the keyboard. With words that are mine. Words that I want to write. Words that I am writing because it is what I feel, and not words that I am writing because I need to write them, because I am afraid of the consequences. Words that can flow from my fingertips, dripping with my blood, and tears. But effortless. Words with essence, not merely a shell of myself.

And writing. Words that can take away some of the pain. Words that can distract me from how nice the un-grilled window looks. Words that keep me on the inside of the window. Words that prevent me from making an uncalled-for visit to this girl I know, Eve, who lives on the 20^th floor and has a really nice view from the balcony. Words that has a chance of me regaining my sanity. Even if just for one night. Just to remember who I was. Who I wanna be. Writing, and doing. Things that have meaning. Things that develop me. Instead of the mind numbing and mindless work that I cannot ever seem to solve.

Despite staring at the screen for hours at a time. Panicking. Wishing. Praying, though it never used to happen before. Intently, hoping, hoping, hoping that I can understand the words that are printed on the screen. That I can understand before my computer’s battery overheats and dies on me. Before the words are permanently printed on the screen because of overheating.

First up, a salient problem is the cough that I am having. A cold. Possibly caused by lack of vitamins. Because my fruit intake has been low. And may be aggravated by the fact that I haven’t used toothpaste for 6 days a week already. Because I have forgotten to bring my, imported, toothpaste to the dorm. And that I only brush my teeth once a day at night, probably worsens the situation. Also is the fact that I have been staying inside a small unventilated room for a large part of my day for the past two weeks. And the accumulation of germs and odours.

Next is my crippling anxiety. I am afraid of people. Very afraid. I look down when I am around people because I am afraid of them recognising me and trying to strike up a conversation with me. A converstation that I do not know how to hold because of my possible Asperger’s. And this cannot possibly be a good thing.

Related to this is the fact that I have been skipping meals. Because I do not dare to eat alone. And I am alone a lot of the time. Especially for dinner. Which I just skip. And breakfast too. Even though that has been a new normal since my short stint with working in an office way back in February and March earlier this year. Google says that skipping meals is a sign of anorexia. And that is possible. Because that is not the only manifestation. I have an uncontrollable urge to weigh myself.

I am losing weight. I haven’t weighed myself in five days, but the last time I weighed myself I had gone down to 57++. From a high of 62 or 63 hovering in January this year. It stabilised to a 61++ when I went to work, and the average may have increased while I was undertaking my driving lessons because of frequent visits to my grandparents’ place to make bread and pastries with my grandma. For over a month and a half, from end July to Early august, I was involved in a dance production which meant biweekly physically intense practices which increased to almost everyday by the end of July. And at the end my weight finally became a permanent sub-60 at that time. By the time school started I can predict that my weight is between 58++ and 59++. Last weekend it was sub 58. And I am happy yet worried that my weight is dropping. I know why my weight is dropping. I haven’t been eating much. But I am also paranoid, because weight loss is often a symptom of disease. I certainly hope I am not cancerous or something lolz.

And that is another possible symptom that an eating disorder is starting to form. I think I am merely afraid of eating alone, I am not afraid of food per se. however google says that the fear of eating alone is a sign of anorexia… hence my worries.

I am also worried that I may be becoming an alcoholic. I am not physically dependent on alcohol, haven’t had a drink in over a week and there have been no physical symptoms other than a possible cold. And also, the terrible nausea and headache that I had for the two days following my two consecutive nights of binge drinking. And I realise that I prefer the drunk version of myself to the sober version of me. I have another post coming up regarding my experiences with alcohol, but for now I will just say that I have went drinking a grand total of 5 times, not a lot, but the most recent three times, which were all in the same week, I have went to the point of puking and losing my rationality. And saying and doing stupid things. And still I prefer the drunk version of myself.

And I think that about sums up the main concerns and problems that I am currently having. Even though there are indeed a lot more things that are seriously bothering me right now.  

Edit 120919 0017h
Also, I think I may have missed out this point. But, another problem that I have is that I no longer recover. After a workout it takes forever for my muscles to heal. I ache for days. Up to a week. Because I neither eat nor sleep, enough.