It Will Settle Itself Somehow

 030721

 

At the start of the semester, or rather, before the start of Year 2 Semester 2, I had set myself 3 non-academic related goals to accomplish. Is it hubris? Anyway, I knew that the academic grades can’t be too bad, considering my past record. So, I didn’t concern myself with setting goals for academics, I just let it be, and take it as it comes while trying my best. I guess even amongst all that rock-bottom self-confidence, all that moping, all that saying that I’m gonna die, all of the crying, I guess somehow, I subconsciously know that I can actually do it, quite well, satisfactorily enough. Except this voice is drowned out by the other hostile voices, which are much louder and more aggressive. “Intrusive thoughts”, as they are termed.

Well, that was quite a tangent, but I must go back to the 3 goals I set for myself. 3 things I needed to do.

1.       Start getting help for my mental health. I guess it mostly means starting to get on meds. And therapy. But mainly the SSRIs because I dislike talking lolz. For the depression that I know has been there for quite a few years, making me feel like the world world is on dr@gs while I somehow missed the part where they were giving out the stuff, making me constantly perplexed as to why others don’t feel sad for forever even when something bad happens.

2.       Apply for a summer internship and land an internship. Because this is necessary to clear my graduation requirements. I do not dream of labour, and if I had a choice, I would travel the world living off my investments. But to do that I might first need to graduate and make full use of this scholarhsip. And maybe work a 60k tech job for a couple years. And I am truly a slacker. But getting an allowance is rad, let’s admit it.

3.       Apply for a double degree programme in philosophy. Its what I wanted because philosophy is fun. Granted, part of the reason this was even an idea in the first place is because Mic once shared an article with me about how high IQ people tend to end up majoring in philosophy as a Second Major or as a Second Degree. But fuck Mic, this is about me. A pragmatic reason is that I wanted to decouple my CS CAP from my Philosophy CAP. So that even if I end up doing badly in philosophy modules or become burnt-out in the middle of the semester and have to sacrifice my philosophy modules, my CS CAP will not be affected. But gurlll, how are you so sure that you can do well for your CS modules? Haha. That’s honestly a bunk reason. Another reason is that, how cool would it be, if I can say that I have a B.A. in Philosophy? Its pretty darn special. Makes me a unicorn snowflake.

This felt daunting at the start of the semester. Especially when week 1, and then week 2, started, but I didn’t do anything to get these goals. But really, all it took was a short email. And they will tell you what information they need from you in order to make an appointment or send in an application.

Throughout the past half a year, where have been many times where I was overwhelmed by anxiety because of something I needed to do but I can’t bring myself to do it, either because of lack of motivation or because of because I overthink it and worry too much. Or both. I drag it along because I am scared to do it, and after a few weeks I convince myself that I do not need to do it.

But as it turns out, I really do not need to do it. Need to reply a text message? Nah, you don’t actually gotta do that. They will folow up if it’s really important. And if you look closely, that text message doesn’t actually expect a reply. Its kinda a conversation closer, eh. If the email doesn’t explicitly ask for a reply, why do you bother with crafting a reply?

This happens many times, and often it is in the shower when I realise, I don’t actually gotta do anything. And a feeling of relief washes over me.

So, moral of the story is: Nah, It’ll Settle Itself Somehow.

Those 3 goals mentioned above? I achieved them.