Adventures in Ethanol – CH3CH2OH

30/09/19

I have been drafting a piece called “why I think I am dying”. It is not ready yet, but this is a relevant piece which will add one more reason to why I think I am dying.

I have loved alcohol since I tasted it in 2012 when I was on holiday and tried some Champagne. I mean, yeah, the taste is bitter and all, but I am someone who drinks black coffee and black tea and finds it nice. I think I am the kind of person who lacks a certain taste receptor which makes me less sensitive to certain unpleasant tastes in alcohol, bitter coffee, and certain vegetables. Cos I pretty much thrive on these three things. I remember very very rarely having a sip of alcohol or two at family functions after that. And occasionally I’d sneak a sip from the open bottles.

The first time I had alcohol outside of my house was I think in 2016 when I was doing some science project at a friend’s house. Or maybe we were playing. And she brought a pitcher of something that was probably kombucha or some kind of fruit ferment solution which she claimed helped digestion except, it contains some alcohol due to the fermentation. And then some day after that we went to her house again and I had a can of beer. And on the way home I proceeded to stupidly say that I was probably drunk. And another friend was like, no one gets drunk off a can of beer, seriously. And yeah, it was probably just because the day was long and I was just tired.

And the next occasion I remember was at some CCA barbeque and they had some cider and I had a can. And soon after, or before (like, a week’s separation), there was a class party at someone’s condo and someone bought vodka coolers and there was wine. I mainly drank wine mixed with Fanta Grape which tasted surprisingly non-alcoholic. But I think I got a bit tipsy, enough to say some stupid shit. Those were during the summer holidays of 2017.

I had already sneaked a sip of vodka before, but the first time I actually had vodka drinks was in winter 2018 at a chalet with some friends. Some wild dude brought a whole fifth of vodka but because this group of friends were all very mild, we did not drink much and he brought it back still quite filled. We mixed the vodka with either ice lemon tea or sprite, I remember it was a lemon flavoured drink. And then I had just a little. Oh, I remember someone also brought some ciders or beers and we shared a few bottles. This is the episode which is mentioned in “Drunk Girl Eats 10++ Fishballs”. I remember laughing so much even though I didn’t have much to drink. Cos it was Fishball Girl Eve who drank most of it. But she was also laughing much more than me and she actually got to sleep that night. Whereas I was drinks and did not sleep for a whole night and had water events the next day. I am surprised I did not drown and die. I don’t think I was actually drunk; I was just rubbing off Eve’s laughter, it’s contagious. Perhaps I was a bit of what they call “high”, but definitely sober.

I remember drinking a stout while watching a movie alone at home sometime after some exams in 2018. Not legal I guess, or just barely. The movie was Johnny Got His Gun and it was pretty sad. And also, another few drinks at some dinners, but that was post 2018 when I was already legal.

But all those are infant experiences.

This past week I have had two experiences of drinking a whole shitload of alcohol. Actually, I’m not sure if it is a lot of alcohol or just that my tolerance is shite. But I got quite drunk. I got to the stage where I can’t control my body nor my words, but I still remember everything in vivid clarity.

I’ll just preface this by saying that university life is “damn toxic”. Usually in stereotypically “nerdy” courses such as the sciences, you’d expect that people are actually moderate and ok. But if you know where to look, toxic people are not hard to find. Ok. I won’t actually call them toxic, except for two people, but what do you call people who suggest going drinking twice in less than a week? or someone who has 3 heavy drinking nights in less than 2 weeks?

I have no idea how I came to know this group of people. But they are wild. And I don’t do wild. Although I would like to do wild. But these two nights of heavy drinking has spent about 80 dollars of my hard-earned money. I told myself that I can either buy a fountain pen with the money I earn from trading, or I cannot. And in this case, instead of saving up for a fountain pen, I chose to buy a bad headache in the morning. It is really severe. There were two drinking sessions I joined in, one on 20^th July and one on 24^th July. Which is really close apart? And I really fear liver damage or like, oesophageal cancer if I continue on with this lifestyle, because my throat was completely sore after the nights of drinking. And I am pretty certain that it is caused by the inflammation of my throat linings, rather than shouting, because I remember still being pretty quiet. But honestly, I’m very much of a dry drunk already. The group had another on 16^th July which I did not join in on. But this volume and frequency of drinking is considered alcoholicism already, if they weren’t actually socialising. I joined in on those two sessions, and I CANNOT say that I don’t regret it. I don’t particularly regret it, but it’s like, heavy drinking is an activity that does not benefit anyone.

In both sessions, we had Beer towers and Soju buckets. On the first night, I actually already had between two and three drinks prior at a wedding dinner. In essence pre gamed. But it was like I had a whole lot of food. And like the beer made me want to puke when I drank it. Because I was so filled to the brim already, with the dinner that probably costed about 200 dollars. And I would then proceed to waste all that by making myself uncomfortable by over drinking. The group ordered fries and pizza. But I was so stuffed that I didn’t feel like eating anything. But I still had to pay for it because like, they split the fucking bill.

Initially I was ok. I had a few beers, like two or three cups, but I was ok. So, I assumed that I wouldn’t be feeling the effects of alcohol and I overestimated my tolerance. So, some people suggested to order more beers and soju because they wanted to drink more. It was way past midnight by then. And there are some actually responsible people in the group who want people to have a good time but don’t want people to get so drunk as to fuck themselves up. So before ordering again, they asked if there were still people who were still sober enough to drink. And of course, I will say yes because I feel fine. Then I started drinking soju. I had a shot glass of it, and it just tasted like grapefruit juice because it was grapefruit flavoured. And I had a few more glasses. And I also had more beer. And my mental state went very much downhill. I mean, I think it was because I was drunk enough to lose my inhibition that I couldn’t stop myself from drinking more. Like I think that is why people become drunk. It isn’t because they have a bad tolerance or they drink too fast, but because the intoxication makes them stop tasting the bad taste of alcohol and just keep drinking more and more. I think that was what happened to me.

The second round of drinks arrived, and I drank more, with each drink I taste less of the drink and it becomes more like drinking water, because it doesn’t even taste like alcohol anymore. Which is what always happens in overdoses, right, because a person loses their inhibition via the effects of ethanol, and they lose their senses of taste which is the body’s natural defence mechanism by telling you that ethanol tastes bad because it is literally poison, and they actually start thinking that the alcohol tastes good. And it fucking kills them in the end.

I wrote the above in the wee hours of 27 July, merely a week after I first experienced severe intoxication by ethanol. It is now 17 August, and much has happened since then.

I guess I shall first start by finishing the “stories”. The two drinking sessions which were sufficient enough to get me “slanted”, or “seh”, which I assume is the Hokkien equivalent, used to describe a person who is no longer walking straight due to the effects of alcohol. On the first occasion I was leaning on furniture, walking in not straight lines while swaying, and also sitting down on the steps outside a shop and not being completely aware that the group was entering it and I was gonna get left outside if I did not follow quickly. I also posted a bunch of rant-ish nonsense on both my spam account and my main account, two of which can be seen by everyone. And I think I texted some friends.

On the second occasion I think I went even further, more quickly. I didn’t have a massive dinner beforehand, so I was in a similar state of body to handle alcohol as everyone else. Except I am a stupid fool who knows not how to control myself and my intake of alcohol. I choose to believe that my tolerance is actually okay. Just that I overdo it. and I totally do not have the Asian Flush, which turns some people with an enzyme deficiency extremely red after a little bit of alcohol. So, there is no one to stop me from drinking on the basis that I “look red”, and thus “look drunk”. I will drink all the way until my cheeks and lips feel numb and I will not even get red. Even though usually I have some kinda of blush tinge on my face. But it doesn’t become lobster red when I drink so there’s that. On the second time I binge drank, I believe I was feeling quite fine, until some people decided to start playing a game of “burning bridges”, which can get really terrible and mean when certain people play it. and I got called ugly by some guy. People say he was drunk and does not mean it. but I assert that he does know what he is saying and he said that intentionally. I downed two shots of soju and that was that, I was gone. I said some really stupid things that made more people think that I was a weird freak and bordering on murderous tendencies. I ran off to the toilet alone, and when I came back I was too slanted to stand, I sat on the floor in the middle of the walkway, and when someone in the group asked me to move to a chair, I retorted by asking if it was illegal to sit on the floor. How dumb. At that time, it was only around 11pm, and train services were still ongoing. I kept asking if we could make it to the trains on time as I did not want to spend money on a cab. They reassured me that I could get home, but the method was not defined. In the end, while I was off to the toilet again as alcohol has mainly a diuretic effect on me, a group of people who lived nearby to me started walking towards the train station. I couldn’t see them, merely running in the direction that some other people pointed me in, running across roads, just to catch up with them. I am pretty certain that they do not like me, but there’s that. or rather, I am not important enough for them to bother caring that I do not get hit by a car running across the road drunk. On the train, they were standing and talking while I sat on a seat completely stupefied. And I ran, ran far from the boy who called me “ugly”. But my field of vision was also very narrow, so I doubt that I would have been able to see him, had he been right next to me the whole time.

I reached my apartment complex and went to sit on the toilet floor next to the gym, afraid to go home because of the completely gone state I was in. I sat there, texting. I don’t recall clearly what I said because I was really tired, but I hope it wasn’t too stupid. But I went home sometime between 2 and 3 am, when only my sister was awake doing homework. I don’t know if she tried to ask me homework questions, I was too gone to do anything. I just blabbered on and on, loudly at an ungodly hour. I don’t know if she knew I was high from the alcohol or just being weird. I downed a most of a bottle of isotonic drink before going to bed, which may have helped with the hangover.

Now I guess it’s time to intensify some things. 10 August, one day after Singapore’s National Day. I had been sleep deprived for a very long time, and had not slept in many hours, which my (currently, as well) sleep deprived brain cannot count and give an adequate answer for, we took the train towards Telok Ayer, and began the night. Our group of approximately 26 sat on a long table, and I was on the boring side of the table as my boring ass is always designated to. We shared a few plates of food, each person having approximately 3 quarters of a serving. And we had soju, with significantly less beer towers. But we still had beer and soju and someone had the genius to play titanic. I lost the first two rounds in a row, and had to rapid fire shoot two glasses of beer and soju mix. I added more soju to my second cup, because peach is a decent flavour, and so is white grape. I deigned to play the next few games because I did not want to overdose and be gone so quickly. Someone suggested a game of burning bridges. Someone wanted to include the entire group of 26. I vehemently disagreed that playing in a big group was better. Because the guy who previously insulted me was on the other end of the table. I thought I would be free from the hurt now that he was not in the game. Guess what, this time I got called the “least attractive” by another guy. Fuck my life. I stoned for a while, then laughed and said loudly that I agreed, and we shared a fist bump. I stayed for a while, then ran away. I downed a few shots of soju, and I cannot recall how many, and to be honest it doesn’t matter. Then perhaps I ran to the toilet. I went a number one and I think I came back soon after. I may have joined the other side of the table because I didn’t want to face that guy anymore. A few things happen that I cannot remember the order of.

1.       I went to the toilet alone, locked the door, sat on the floor, and finally puked. It was the first time I had puked because of alcohol, and I think the first time in a long time too. I think the last time was when I was really sick in the first week of secondary 1 back in 2013. The puke was brown. I don’t know why. It had chunks of food that I had just eaten. Partially chewed, partially digested. And a lot of alcohol. I hope. I hope I had vomited it out, else I may have had overdosed and died. And on hindsight, locking the door was really dumb, because I could have died inside had I not been able to puke. I salivated into a few swathes of toilet paper, and then rinsed my mouth at the sink, and walked back swaying.

2.       I placed a few chairs together, and lay down on them, as no one was sitting. Some people had gone to a club, and there were now less people there. I lay down for only a while, and then I was woken up by someone who was resting his head on the table. He told me to get up and perhaps asked if I was okay. I then got up and slept, resting my head on my arms on the table, which was wet with booze. If this happened before the vomiting, it was after I lay down and felt like I could die of alcohol poisoning that I walked to the toilet, nauseous. Otherwise, it was that I had already puked and I felt really uncomfortable and had to sleep.

3.       I asked the bartender if there were song requests, because I heard a few MCR songs and I wanted to sing along to more. Even though my drunk voice is totally out of tune. To which he replied that it was 3 dollars a song. I just walked away. I knew I wanted more MCR, but I couldn’t think of any song name. and I find it totally shady that they should try to farm drunk people by charging for songs.

My clothes and hands were wet from lying on the alcohol laden table. The guy who was sleeping on the table as well, he called a cab and we went back to the hostels together. I went back to my room, stripped to only my underwear, and slept on the bed. I forgot to lock the door. I was lucky that there are no creeps on my floor.

The next time I drank was soon after that, just three nights later. It was at a chalet with a different group of people. Note that the first three times were all with the same group of people. we began by playing King’s Cup on a circle on the floor. Some people a few places infront me drew Ace for Waterfall. I sipped slowly and held up the waterfall while people pointed middle fingers at me. I am puzzled as to why they would actually drink it quickly as to require a second can of beer when I was not even halfway through with my first can. After I finished a can of beer, I went on to Bacardi white rum. Mixed with some beer. Essentially a dark and stormy, except without the darkness. Then I went on to mix rum and coke, essentially a Cuba libre, I think. Someone helped me to pour the rum, and he made it almost equal parts rum and coke. Which is totally crazy, but I drank it anyway? I think that was the start of my downfall, I downed a few cups of mixed drinks, each stronger than the last. again, a few things happening which I cannot accurately order.

1.       I saw someone with a vape and I was like, WOW. Then he kinda hid it when he saw the attention he was getting. He came back later, and I tried a bit. But I didn’t know how to use it, didn’t know that you were supposed to exhale before pressing the button. And I took a puff and then it was so minty that I just coughed out a mouthful of cloud. The first word I thought of was menthol, like what in the fuck was going on in my head I don’t know.

2.       I got up for a walk, and went to the sofa, where a guy from school of BME (who’s not supposed to be there but somehow crashed the party) sat next to me. And he said a bunch of stuff about how much he admired me for how much I drank, I was kinda flattered yet also like what the fuck is going on you doctor wannabe yet not good enough RP person what’s there to admire, I am so fucked up. And some people I was with said he was getting a little handsy, which I cannot recall, but they pulled me away to another room.

3.       Throughout the night at least a few times some crazy fucker started saying the salakau cheer. And this is perhaps my most embarrassing moment because whenever someone said it, I just had to say along too, louder. And alas, no it did not continue, it always had to end with me. And like this happened a few times, I recall. But I can’t place the exact timings of when this happens.

4.       I stood up and went to a few people, maybe two other people, and asked them to play Who Fucked Up – I/We/You Fucked Up with me. And I remember saying the f word quite loudly a lot of times. And then I think maybe I went away and then continued the games. Or we just continued to change game straight away. It went something like, “I challenge you”, then you rub the hands of the person to your left(?), like two swipes, followed by pointing either up down left or right. And then if the direction of pointing is the same, the person who got challenged will have to drink. It didn’t take me long to realise that this isn’t a game as much as it is taking turns in a circle to drink. Then I think I played a while more. Then I went away.

Back in the other room my memory was clearer. I think I said that I gotta puke, and then I went into the toilet. They wanted to follow me in, but I wanted to lock the door. I think in the end the door was closed when the puke came out. But I saw long strands of spaghetti from the aglio olio I had for dinner earlier. This time the puke was lighter in colour. Which was weird because I thought I had chewed my dinner properly. But apparently not.

Then in the room with my group, they played burning bridges, but I think I whined a long time about not playing it with burning questions but to use exclusively building questions, because I said that I was tired of getting burnt and I think I also threatened to jump out of a window or something. And I cried about how when playing with other groups people they will really ask burning questions, and that I was tired of being the target. They seemed to know who it was whom I played with and whom made me scarred. Because it was kinda obvious, but I wasn’t sure if I had enough restrain to deny it, or did I just directly agreed with them regarding who it was who burned me.

They asked a “building bridge” question and I was so touched I cried, I think. I also think I mentioned that I needed to puke again. But it didn’t happen again, which may or may not be a good thing. But the dumbest thing was that I drank more after puking. Now, they had grey goose, and I wanted to drink. But I think I had more than one sip of mixed drink. Which was really dumb on my part, because drinking after puking is just a recipe for poisoning. I think they kept offering me coke. But I don’t really like coke, so. I think before that when we were outside in the living room, I also finished a cup of milk tea. Which was supposed to be shared. But whatever.

Then some people went home or back to school by someone’s car. I recall asking them if they drank and of course, and luckily it was no. But any sane person would have been able to come up with the conclusion without asking dumb questions. But I was dumb. The rest of us went to another room where we played a game of mah-jong. Except that I was too gone and too sleepy and having too much of a headache to play. And also, I wasn’t even familiar with the game. I think they were angry because I didn’t want to play with bets. But they wanted to. So, they just anyhow played. And I think the same person won all four rounds. I don’t even know how to play lol. But whatever.

Then after that I really had to sleep, we went back to the room that we played in previously, I used a toilet, and knocked out for 3 hours before I was woken up to go to school. I went back to my hostel and continued sleeping, though the journey took over an hour, and add to that the time I used to bathe, I was still tired after the short nap before lessons began.

Thus far I have already drunk twice in the week, and both times I had drunk enough to need to puke, and then some more.

The next day was a Wednesday, which meant ladies night. And it was my first-time clubbing, but there’s that. it was with a different group, a total of 4 girls and 3 guys. I think I was the youngest there. But of legal age, so what’s to stop? There was gonna be free free-flow drinks for ladies, so I don’t know why they decided that we should pregame, especially for the girls. It would make sense for the guys to pregame, but not the girls. Anyways, they mixed about a pint of citron Absolut with grapefruit juice (or is it pink guava lol, what’s with my obsession with grapefruit??), in a fifth bottle. And also finished a few shots of monkey shoulder. And mixed part of the vodka with coke as well. And we finished it all. I know that I drank too much. Definitely more than 4 units of drink, which is way too much. Probably about at least twice or thrice of that. We entered the first club and we had more drinks. I was already very tipsy, and the alcohol had not even been digested yet. I had at least4 shots from the bar. And though it was diluted, it was still strong enough to tilt me. I think I tried a variety including vodka, whiskey, tequila and gin. And on hindsight that was a bad idea because there’s a saying that mixing your poisons makes you more likely to puke.

They ordered some finger foods, such as fries and nuggets. There were three plates but I cannot for the love of Jesus remember what the third plate was. The guys bought some drinks and we illegally poured some of our drinks into their cups. And we went for refill. I asked for a double and was denied it. The bartender said I had to finish it before I got another shot. And that was what I did. I shot it so that I could get another, which was fucking stupid I know. Ha-ha. But I really went overboard with the drinks… there was a gay couple in our group and I know I kept asking questions about where they were studying, when they were already in the working world. And I think I also said a few times how cute they were, and how much I love them. *cringe*

I think we went to another club sometime later. I think we were made to place our bags in a locker behind the counter. And the dance floor was upstairs, I think. and so was the toilet. And I needed to puke. My group told me that I needed to stick a finger up my throat to make myself puke. But like I don’t know how to do that, I have only ever just let the puke come out naturally. And I think someone suggested that I drink water. They attempted to get my bottle from the locker but that was not allowed. So, I think we went out of the club. Or maybe I drank water from the tap in the toilet. I think we went to a shopping mall toilet, or maybe I gulped a bottle of water and went back to the toilet in the club. Then I puked. I don’t know if the door was closed when it happened. But it was vile. And it felt like I had not puked up enough of the alcohol as my head was still spinning and it still felt like there was undigested alcohol inside. But I was unable to puke anymore. We went out of the toilet and next I remember sitting on a shopping mall floor. Someone bought some effervescent hydration tablets. And I think I drank most of the water inside a bottle before they added the tablet to the water. So, it was a very concentrated solution. I think I must have drunk the rest of the bottle, because after I drank the effervescent tablets, I puked out a whole lotta water. Straight onto the floor. Which I was sitting on. And I think I got some puke on my clothes as well. But I know that the butt part of my pants was completely soaked. And it was either before or after I puked out the hydration tablets that someone mentioned that I should get isotonic drinks. And I said that I brought it, took a packet of 100 Plus Active Powder out of my bag. And I was smug. And they were like agreeing with me out of condescension. But it’s a queer sight that I should have prepared the precursor of isotonic drinks. And they mixed the powder into my water bottle, and told me not to drink it all at once because I would just puke it all, but instead to take frequent small sips. And they would take the bottle away from me after those sips. Which was kinda nice. And I think one of the guys were trying to test me with math questions. Such as 64 x 64, which I could simplify to 8^4 but otherwise said that it was pointless to do it as I could simply use a calculator. Now if I were sober, I would probably say that it can further simplify into 2^12, which is easily calculated as 4096. Ugh. That was probably why that number was chosen, but I mean, ugh. Had I a little more focus I would have been able to do it.

And then we went to an after party and were supposed to stay till 6am. But I think we left at around 3am. Which was quite a downer, but I think the person in the worst state was me, so. I went to my friends’ room to sleep, on the floor, clothed in puke-soaked pants. But tbh I was too tired to change out of them anyway, so. And the next day when I woke up, I was still pretty drunk, and had a massive headache. Which sucks. And the next day went straight to lectures without my laptop and gear. And I had scrambled eggs for breakfast which made me nauseous. And I was nauseous the whole day so I did not eat anything else. And I am pretty certain that I had a BAC of at least 0.04 the whole day, so. I slept at 8pm and woke up at 3am. And then went back to sleep and was very late for the next class. Which was Friday already, so the effects of alcohol lasted for more than 36 hours.

And I think I’ve had enough of drinking and embarrassing myself. And I have had enough of puking. So, I think from now on I will (try to) stick to a maximum of 4 drinks in an hour. Because that is enough to make a person drunk. The times I puke I know I drank way more than that. and remember, a standard drink is literally less than a mouthful if I am drinking hard liquor. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear, beer before liquor, never been sicker. Hard liquor is a bad idea. Unmeasured and unmonitored drinks is a bad idea. Maximum 4 drinks a night is a good guideline. But to be honest, ain’t no one gonna do that, lol.

Besides, I don’t have any friends, and with all the trouble that I am, I don’t think anyone will want to invite me to places, parties, and drinks anymore, so why should I worry? I think the only drinking that I will be doing will be in my room, watching Les Misérables, the title of my life. and everyone hates me. And I hate myself too. So, fuck my life.

~17 August 2019

edit 151019 0000h.
i remember a few scenes
1. it was either the second or the third time i went drinking. it was one of the days where i got called ugly. it is probably the second time, on 24th august. so i was a few hours into drinking. and then i saw a cup of something in a tall glass. (then again it may be the third time or 10 august because idk if beer factory or kanpai uses such cups) and we had had a jug of water here at the table already. for the people who were drunk out of their minds. and some people were in charge of tricking them into drinking water. and then i just took one of the jugs and started chugging the water from the jug. and there was a guy with the same initials as my real name. he was just staring at me like wtf. yup, anyways that glass of thing turns out to be soju, not water. and i downed that cup not realising what it was. then when i was done i made a face and said that i drank it cos i thought it was water. but like given how unpopular i am, no one really cares that i am severely dehydrated and close to dying and makes no effort to stop me from overdrinking lolz. so i should take note and i should take care of myself...
2. this was the fifth and final time i went drinking. 14th august or something. we went clubbing at clarkquay. came out of fxattica cos i needed to drink water and puke. we went to liang court. liang court mall is right next to one of the clubs, i know. and i stuck a finger down my throat. and tried unsuccessfully to puke. but finally i did. and after that these people were pretty nice i guess.that i feel damn guilty. they got some effervescent tablets thing. it was probably the lemon flavoured ORS from the guardian store in liang court, upon my research now. yeah, anyway liang court and ORS tablets. didnt really help with my hangover but definitely kept me from completely dying of a dried brain. yeah and also interesting thing to note that this is the only group whereby i stopped drinking once i was puking, or otherwise quite gone. i dont know if it is because i didnt try to get another drink, or because there simply werent drinks in my reach, or because they actually tried to stop me. i want to believe that it is the latter and they actually took notice that i do not die. because all the previous days i could very well have died from drinking even after puking. also them making me do my module bidding while i was completely gone, so i dont screw up my whole semester.