my fucking headache - it only gets worse

2 Jan 2019

i woke up at 6 am today feeling totally depressed.
because school starts today. of course, not for me, but i have to face the reality that i am now a NEET. and i have months of loneliness ahead of me. and my family wants needs me to work. and i am fucking anxiety and depression and not wanting to do anything at all.
and i woke to a nightmare that i was still taking the a levels. something about how my H3 was either the next subject to be tested or just over, and all the papers for other subjects were over except for chemistry. and everyone was like fucking prepared and i thought "fuck, i am going to fail chemistry" which is actually a very common thing which i say in actual life.
in the dream i was so fucked up that i didnt even know how many questions the MCQ paper had, i was looking at someone else doing a TYS paper, which i obviously hadnt started on, both in dream and in real life. and i saw that it only had 15 qestions and i was like, "thank god its only 15 questions and not 30". i dont even know where did that come from, the actual paper HAS 30 questions.
and i think i caught something from being in the very heavy rain for almost four hours on new years eve.
i wish the nightmares would stop.

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