How the Hell did I allow myself to be dragged by the nose for three years?

06/05/23

 

23/06/22

Comp-sci.

Algo Trading.

It wouldn’t be far fetched to say that my desire to do the latter was the reason for my doing the former. A long time ago i got infatuated with the stock market and opened a brokerage account. And a few months later I decided that as long as I can spend every night day trading in the library in my first two years of college, by the time i was a Junior, i will have managed to compound my money enough to buy a decent used car.

For reference here are a list of my declared specializations for the past 6 going on 7 semesters, to the best of my memory. My memory is, as always, fuzzy.

Y1S1 – AI and Graphics/Games

Y1S2 – AI and Graphics/Games

Y2S1 – AI and Algo/Theory

Y2S2 – Security and Algo/Theory

Y3S1 – DB and Security

Y3S2 – DB and Networks

Y4S1 – SWE and DB

(The other three that have never been part of my list are Programming Languages, Multimedia Information Retrieval, and Parallel Computing. But even now i think i am beginning to take a liking to PL because it has some (very limited) similar themes to Logic/Philo of Language/Mathematics. In terms of Recursion Theory and whatever the f is a Recursively Enumerable Language.)

As you can see it has become less fancy and more down-to-earth over the years. SWE+Sec, SWE+Networks, SWE+DB, or some combination of the three / four are some of the most common specializations. AI is popular but most people eventually settle down into one of the more basic combinations. Or so the people around me seem to be. Perhaps I am not surrounding myself with the right people. But even people like the great TYJ are doing something like SWE+Networks+DB.

You know, ever since I convinced Spy to do the Philo intro mod with me, I have never once followed my kokoro again. I decided not to do Graphics/Games because of an eye-opening experience during the summer project. I realized how talentless i was at graphic design and using photoshop. Or maybe it was just because i was teamed up with an anti-procrastinator who will complete everything because i am slow.

But Algos and AI, i gave it up because no one in my group was doing it and I was afraid to do it alone. I mean, i really don’t know what the outcome would have been. The last time i tried doing CS mods alone i almost fucking final yeeted, and i have the scars to show for it.

But about this: ever since I convinced Spy to do the Philo intro mod with me, I have never once followed my kokoro again. Why is it so? My heart is sad. Is it because of losing Spy? Is he the foil to my timidity? Is he the risk taking, though religious enough to not eat beef, follow your fucking dreams entrepreneurial type that I need? Some studies that i have once read yet cannot quote the source of say that women are more likely than men to be religious. Though in my actual life, this is not the case.

Back to the main point, is Spy the foil that i need, that will push me to do things that i am afraid of but which i want to do and are good for me?

06/05/23

Y4S2 my specialisations were either Networks + DB or Networks + Algo. No more SWE. This is my biggest fail, fr. After following them around for three years they dropped me. I was planning to take a SWE mod which had a significant group project component with them (Rei and Hans) but turns out they found another group. I don’t know why I believed that i would be doing the module with them. It was never really said into words. Or maybe it was. But i guess they realised how useless and emtionally unstable i was. Maybe they realised they needed someone who had legit skillz so that they could actually do the module in peace, because if i were with them it would just be a bunch of useless people dying together. Anyway so i don’t get to take that module, and my suffering through CS3219 is completely wasted. Such an L.

I am a coward that darent carve my own path. I am an ND burnout who can no longer code.