Lord only, could have predicted this

 13/10/20

I’ve likely mentioned in passing about my self harm. Or perhaps in not so passing. I’ve written long-ass prose about how I think I’m crazy because I cut myself. But there’s something missing.

The wee hours of 19^th February 2020. That was the first time I had cut myself, intentionally, with the desire to use physical pain to numb the emotional pain. As a 19-and-a-half-year-old in her first year of college. How could have guessed that someone, who was way too old to be self-harming, would start doing it? But this was not the first time I had caused self-inflicted marks on my skin.

It was sometime in 2017. Around April to June. I have a Victorinox Swiss Army Knife. I took the saw tool of that beautiful knife and took it to my skin. Thrice. In the shape of a triangle. If I remember correctly, it did not draw blood. But it did leave red marks. And some superficial swelling for a few days. It hurt like a bitch. I only did it because I was curious. I wondered how it felt to cut yourself. And then I stopped doing it.

Around that time, I also maintained a failure of an Instagram account. Meant as an anonymous space for me to write emo shit. While I followed accounts from people and groups I knew from school. Dumb, I know. Another feature of that account was that I followed some Self-Harm accounts. And ED accounts. I wasn’t doing it at that time. But I felt like I could relate so damn much when I looked at those posts. I would write sad cringy lousy poetry. Post shit in black and white. Take pictures of my non-SH scars, likely from peeling the skin on my right foot because of stress.

I was doing Project Work, the A-Level subject at that time. For the first quarter of the year, we were doing an individual proposal-ish thing. The topic which I researched on was teenage suicide and its prevention. Who could’ve known that I would become my Target Audience?

And perhaps this is something suspect about my life. Which might make the onset of Self-Injury Disorder when I was 19, less surprising. There were clues earlier on, though.

It was likely either 2013 or 2014. I was friends with June Scarlet at that time. We spent almost all the time together in school during breaks. Occasionally, (like, a few times, lol) we would go to the Sickbay during lunch or recess breaks. Where June Scarlet would sleep. Or we would steal supplies from the First-aid box. June Scarlet was the first to suggest it. I didn’t know why she did that, but I followed. I stole a few roles of bandages and plasters in total. Now that I look back, it was kinda sus.

June Scarlet told me that the bandages were for her first aid kit. I didn’t suspect anything. She was a rather neurotic kid. She liked anime and martial arts and stuff. But now that I think about it, was she cutting at that time? There were quite a few warning signs. I don’t know why I never thought about that possibility until today. She had a bad family environment. She was bullied in school. She had bad grades. She was tired all the time. And she may have mentioned something about having anemia. And the bandages. And the fact that she and I bought a swiss army knife together. Everything seems to fit like a fucking puzzle now. What the fuck. How could I have never suspected it? 

(16/04/21: Also, I just remembered that she also wore that fucking pink jacket wherever she went. And she didn't like people to touch her, including me. And these reasons point to SH too.)

Truth be told, I was rather innocent back then. Perhaps this is why.

Anyways, I also took home some bandages for my own first-aid kit. Which means that I, too, had a thing for these supplies. Ok whatever.

Now lets consider knifes. I also had quite a thing for knifes since 2013. For one, I bought a Swiss Army Knife at the end of 2013. Granted, it was due to June Scarlet’s influence. But still, the fact that I wanted a knife…has got to have some meaning, right? I also bought to fruit knives, either in June 2014, or June 2013. I like to believe it is June 2014. For $2 each. TWO. Why the fuck would anyone buy 2 fruit knives?

I kept one in my bag wherever I went, for a while. Once I was in school, I accidentally showed it while having a panic attack. And I was confronted by the teacher. I don’t know who told on me. Anyways, the teacher confronted me, and checked my arms. At that time, I thought it completely ridiculous that I would cut myself. (Ha-ha, look where I am now, 6 years later.)

For as long as I could remember, a penknife was one of my pencil case essentials. And scissors. Why both? Only a crazy person would know.

But KNIFES. Everyone knows how much I fucking love knifes. And yet…no one could’ve known that it would become a tool. Which I use to make sashimi of myself. I don’t blame anyone for it. If anything, its my own weakness. And perhaps how my parents threatened to send me to the police. Which gave me some PTSD and lasting SID.

I want to hit fat so bad. I need to wait for the styros on my shoulder to heal tho. They are lookin’ slightly sus. 

(16/04/21: Update on the shoulder yeets. If I am referring to those on my left shoulder that became crusty a day after, well they became hypertrophic. I don't even know why. They weren't even that deep. It is perhaps my first lasting scar. It is the reason I can no longer go swimming. After that one I started (by started I mean twice lol) using a #11 blade and doing multiple swipes. Strangely enough I want more of these. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could be a smoothskin.)