Faking it? (Not Referring to Myself)

 19/04/21

I don’t know where else to write this. I can’t tell my friends because someone will tell me to extricate myself from the situation, another friend will advise against it, and others don’t know just how fucking depressed I actually am so they will not buy my story and feelings. I can’t write this on SHP because ima essentially be accusing someone of faking depression and I am not sure that sits well with that crowd.

So, someone may or may not be trying to get into my panties. Personally, I don’t think so. Because he gives so many disclaimers: “as friends”, “not a date / asking out”, etc. (Oh by the way if we actually get friendly enough I may give him a name here in this blog. But otherwise basing the name on his initials won’t work because someone else that I have mentioned here, countless times, already has a similar name. So, for now, he is just “he”. Or “the guy”.) Well, when I see those disclaimers, I don’t exactly feel good. After all am I that unattractive that I am not even considered as an option? So, if according to what I heard from a friend (Hans) and a friend’s friend (let’s call them Spike), he is indeed trying to be “more than friends” with me, uh… I think that is a pretty huge ego boost for me.

Actually. No. Even if he is trying to get me as a gf, it is only because he failed with the past 4? 5? Girls that he tried. So. No, Sashimi, you should NOT get an ego boost from knowing that this guy is trying to chase you.

So, he has tried to chase Spike and Rei and a few other girls. And each time he has failed. And to be very honest, his pattern of chasing multiple girls in the same timeframe kinda reminds me of what Spy did with Tingz and Me. And I am starting to wonder is all guys are like that. I know that’s probably not the case. But I can’t help but wonder. And I feel worthless because I am either not a choice, or I am a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth choice. Never the first choice. And this fucking sucks.

And according to Spike, previously he was really happy-go-lucky and just overall positive. Back when he was trying to chase Spike. And he may have mentioned something about wanting kids. I think I should give more context about the current situation.

So, he told me that he was… he never mentioned the specific condition, but I am guessing clinical depression back a few years ago. And recently he mentioned that he was feeling it again (a relapse). (Of what? He never said exactly.) Because of things that happened in his life recently. And I was thinking, what happened? Because that exact same day was when he found out that Rei was attached (to Kai, and I am not surprised). So, could it be getting rejected multiple times? I don’t know. Regardless of the cause, I am inclined to believe that he is indeed suffering. But y’know. If he isn’t actually depressed, he’s gonna get tired of my “negativity” real quick lol.

And he went around telling his friends, which includes Spike, about how glad he is that “Sashimi has the same thinking as him”. Which is…I don’t know if it is actually a good thing that we have the same way of thinking because there is an inkling in me that believes that I only think this way because I have untreated depression and I am constantly one word / insult away from attempting sewerslide. (Something about how mental illness isn’t a spirit possession / my depression isn’t my personality / I only exhibit “noble idiocy” behavior because I am depressed, not because my 八字 is a certain combination of elements. And also how fengshui can’t treat depression lmao. I mean it is just placebo effect / mood lifting because your environment is better at best.) I am inclined to believe that he is telling the truth about how he feels, and he is not just faking it.

And Spike says that he used to be really happy and positive back when he was chasing her. And she says that he is not actually depressed now. And she says that he is just adapting himself to suit whoever he is chasing. In essence, being positive to chase Spike (mentioning how last time he used to go around telling everyone how glad he is that he knew someone (Spike) who is also a family person and loves kids) and being depressed to chase me. And about how he is saying that he doesn’t want kids as a way to relate to me. And they mentioned something about how him having an existential crisis and having the same mentality as me is just a temporary thing, and once he is done playing with me, he will go on to find someone else, and with that his personality will yet again have a 180-degree change.

Then Hans mentioned something about how he only wants kids if it’s Spike’s kids because she has good genes. In essence Hans is saying that I have crappy genes. And you know what? I won’t deny that. But fuck you, Hans. Fuck you. I acknowledge that I am ugly and unattractive (according to what people have told me while they were under the influence of the “Truth Juice”) but Hans was straight out insulting me the whole way? From saying that “oh too bad you suck at schoolwork” to “you have bad genes”. I know I always insult myself, but That’s TOO MUCH, MAN!

And I am very appalled to hear that about the guy. And I don’t know who I can trust anymore. I don’t know what to do. I think all I will do now is to just…believe what everyone says and place it in a box in my mind and try my best to not be influenced by anything anyone says. But…to think that someone might be faking depression just to appear relatable to me and get close! That’s just fucking disgusting. I hope that isn’t true. I hope that isn’t true. If it is true, then that’s just gross. I guess…it is fine if he is doing it subconsciously. It is fine I guess, if he is just being influenced by me and my negativity and sadness and becoming sad himself as a result. But if that weren’t true. If he was actually being psychopathic enough to fake a mental illness just to chase someone. Then my faith in humanity is completely gone.

And side note(?). I have underestimated Hans. He is actually very good at schoolwork. (Oh, what a snake.) And he is just toxic and hurtful and everything that he says is insensitive. Oh, he also mentioned that I am not credible because I exaggerate all the time. Which I will not deny. But fuck you who says that I am uncredible and to read between the lines, this basically means that I have Histrionic PD. Just because I said that my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed yesterday. And it is tho. I am depressed and fucked up and I really can’t do anything right anymore. And he specifically tells me about how he wishes to be an answer leech. And being distracting during meetings and in class. And constantly talking crap about Rei. Wait I just realized that I may be the only one who knows this. Actually, he also told me about how Rei talked crap about me to him. (Basically saying that I am useless. Which I know I am. But why the fuck everyone gotta ruin my reputation lol.) There’s more that I cannot remember. But Hans is not a good person. Toxic and self-centered. Not a good person.

And I really wish that the guy isn’t “faking” a personality.