disillusioningillusion

011022 Everyone, meaning every human, has a right to live. But does every human have the right to be treated like a human? Is this right a privilege of being human, granted by virtue of being human, or does it need to be earned? And if so, how does one earn this right? Two people can speak the same words and with the same tone and attitude. Yet the emotion it evokes in my mind is totally different. The one who has clearly earned the right of being treated like a human (Person A), I listen and appreciate what they have to say. The one who has not earned the right to be human (Person B), I listen with annoyance. People say that familiarity breeds contempt. Is this what’s at play here? I think there’s more to it than that. Person A has proven themselves to be useful by carrying a large part of our group project. And also, because they are like a mentor that is more useful than our actual mentor. A teacher that teaches better than our actual teacher. Though sounding like a fucking sh...

10/09/22 For all we know, CS3250 is a non-existent module. Something about Hume and the beauty of knowledge as the unattainable girl out of your league who friendzoned you. The striving for something that stops me from quitting. Though I don’t think it will be easy to quit. I…cannot experience the joy of acquiring knowledge. Some philosopher somewhen must have had remarked something along this line, I guess. Learning is difficult. Increasingly, my neurons find it hard to make new connections, and I take a long time to understand things. Only to forget them. Over and over and over again. But once a piece of knowledge is made known to me, it just seems so trivial and immediately apparent. Like, the “OH!” moment. But in the same moment it becomes so so trivial. Or maybe this is a good thing. I get to experience the joy of gaining knowledge over and over again.

 25/08/22   Sapere aude. For whom is education for? Conventionally we say that education is for the next generation. For them to learn. But perhaps teaching is also for the teacher. It takes a lot of bravery. Sashimi-san has lost her personhood. She does not dare. Sapere aude. She hides from the truth because it is painful. Is this just an attempt to regain her personhood? To do things just to prove that she is still human. To prove that she is not just a coward. She is afraid even of Visual Studio because it seems like it might threaten to crash a PC. People be interning in China, at Google, Shopee, going on exchange in the US of A, learning Thai, solo backpacking in Serbia, and I know I am not ready. At 18 I used to go around telling people that each person lives life at their own pace. Or perhaps I said that in my head to them, while listening to their troubles. Everyone’s life is their own journey. (But y’know theres an age limit to migrate to australia...

 25/08/22 The long con cannot be worth it. From whom can one derive the pleasure of misfortune? Kin, kith, and your lover. Why would you even? Mother is afraid of death. The classic trolley problem, a thought experiment where one justifies sacrificing one to save five. These weird utilitarians keep trying to justify murder. Me? I’d just sleep. And then the problem goes, what if its someone you know? What if it’s the president? What if it’s a cancer researcher? What if its Taylor Swift? Suddenly the utilitarians are no longer utilitarians. What if its your mom? They justify it by saying that surely your love, your closeness to your mom has to count for something, right? Surely this outweighs whatever utility. Ok but what does mother want? Does mother want to sacrifice herself to save five? But mother is afraid of death. And I am Dazai Osamu, constantly finding ways to off myself. Mother may not want to sacrifice herself. But I, on the other hand… Perhaps in the heat ...