disillusioningillusion

 21/06/21 It still feels unreal. (What feels unreal? Haha.) Why is there a tendency for good things to feel unreal. Does this point towards me being a pessimist, not believing that things can ever go well? Anyways. I think I may have a sleeping problem. Insomnia, I think. Well, its not like I wake up often in the middle of the night. But if I wake up and its like 6am, even if I have only gotten like 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I will be unable to go back to sleep. And I spend a long time trying to fall asleep. Sometimes it takes 1 to 2 hours, sometimes it seems fine. And oftentimes a severe restlessness before bedtimes, where my heart races and I feel incomplete, like theres something I need to do, a nervousness. I think part of this has to do with bad sleep hygiene. I spent a fuckton of time lying on my bed, using my phone, wanking, etc. Also I don’t restrain myself from taking 1-2 hour naps at like 8 or 9 pm. Ive been considering various ways to solve this issue. Because I wan...

01/05/21 questioning the decision to postpone starting on the pills. Cos I aint studying anyway. I cant. I don’t know what to do. Ok perhaps I can. But i. I don’t know. Theres so many things to do. So little time. And dead silence from HR. haha tbh I don’t know what I expect to get from them. Its not like they gonna keep pestering me after I sign the contract right. I signed it. They signed it. Its defo finalised right? idk if I did the cpf exemption thing properly. I hope so. Even if I didn’t its ok. I just worried that they may re base it to like me getting less than 1200 take home if they didn’t already sort out the cpf papers. Its like. I don’t wanna write an email lol. It gives me anxiety. Also I cant be arsed. I don’t mind doing cpf contributions tbh. Haha. This sounds so privileged. But yea. Im fine with it. Just gotta make sure I end up with at least 1200 take home. Since I have the scholarship that is mathematically impossible to lose this semester by gpa reasons. i hope c...

26/04/21 24/04/21 3.15am Read somewhere that you should write something to sort out your thoughts before seeing a psychiatrist. And you know what? Even if I end up blowing it off, writing something will still be useful, I guess. Possibly the description that has struck me the most / phrase that has stuck with me the most is “it feels like the world world is on drugs and I missed the part where they were handing out the stuff.” Seriously. How is it that everyone is so happy all the time? Hans is stressed for a few days and then he’s fine. Eve is…actually doing really well now? And all of them are attached. Even that guy is feeling better, as he describes it. How is it that everyone regains their love for life so quickly? I cant focus on anything. Watch me try to open the lecture slides and end up gooing on a 5 hour youtube detour. Because that’s easier than doing work. I have about zero discipline. Would be great if I could actually. Bathe daily. Brush my teeth twice a day. Eve...