Dialogue with my brain #2

26/04/21

24/04/21 3.15am

Read somewhere that you should write something to sort out your thoughts before seeing a psychiatrist. And you know what? Even if I end up blowing it off, writing something will still be useful, I guess.

Possibly the description that has struck me the most / phrase that has stuck with me the most is “it feels like the world world is on drugs and I missed the part where they were handing out the stuff.” Seriously. How is it that everyone is so happy all the time? Hans is stressed for a few days and then he’s fine. Eve is…actually doing really well now? And all of them are attached. Even that guy is feeling better, as he describes it. How is it that everyone regains their love for life so quickly?

I cant focus on anything. Watch me try to open the lecture slides and end up gooing on a 5 hour youtube detour. Because that’s easier than doing work. I have about zero discipline. Would be great if I could actually. Bathe daily. Brush my teeth twice a day. Even that is so difficult.

Not sure if I have written about it before. But I think it is quite relevant. About how almost every car ride I end up crying. When everyone in my family is singing. Including my mom. And some people sing better than others, and some are bad. And you know what? I used to enjoy singing. Catharsis is one thing. But singing is just so…pleasureable? Its just good vibes. And I want to join in. I want to sing along with my siblings and my mom. But I am afraid. I recall the time when I tried singing in the car and got told to shut up and stop being a nuisance, stop being so noisy. That was years ago, perhaps sometime in primary school. But I still cant forget it. I am constantly walking around eggshells around my family. Is this gonna upset them? What can I do? I want to be able to sing. In the present moment I want to sing with them. But I am afraid that dad is gonna think that it is noisy. Though I might be trying my best to stay in tune. But he might think that my singing sucks and tell me to shut up. I don’t know. I am tearing up just thinking about this.

I almost want to break these eggshells. Tell them that if they hurt me again, and even a psychiatric meds cant save me, them im gonna have to start doing K or M.

Feel like a worthless piece of trash. I suck at everything that I do.

When an interviewer asks me where I see myself in 5 years. I don’t. perhaps buried 6 feet under. Or, since singapore is land scarce, in an urn.

26/04/21 11.32pm

Was writing useful? I woudnt say so. And hence infer that it is now past the doctor’s visit.

But I got them. Hopefully it will make me not want to kashoot myself anymore / I won’t want to kashoot myself every other moment. I mean, recently the grossness of the imagery of a fucking plant in the shower drain has been distracting me enough to floow out some of the head kashooting and the bean slicing imagery. And made me drink a few drinks and the subsequent brain fog that comes with it. At least I was able to bathe? But the brain fog tho. I have exams coming up, fucking hell.

Ima put off on starting the pills cos I have exams coming up soon and just gotta beware of side effects yknow. And then start next Wednesday. 8 days later? Yea I guess that’s fine.

Paid for them. Didn’t burn a hole in my pocket. But then again, my sense of price has been kinda off lately.

The lack of activity from HR has been making me really anxious this past week. Hhhhh.

Wondering if I should try to source xanny. ‘Haps not. Maybe next time.

He gave me some things to work on? One of it was to have self-esteem I think. To look up to yourself. And one of the problems is that it might actually be a double edged sword? I need to have constant accomplishments before I can actually buy the fucking idea that I am actually capable of anything. I cant just look at my past accomplishments. Not sure whats worse. Being a thoroughly unimpressive person (dammit brain I am such a bad person I thought of Rei when I wrote this? I literally deserve dedth) or being someone who peaked in highschool. Which will be what I am if I just rest on my laurels from A levels. Maybe that is why I so desperately want to get into ddp. Even though I keep telling myself that I don’t really care. But deep down I really want it. Because I don’t wanna just be someone who peaked in high school dammit. Not like CS X Philosophy is as recognised as CS X Math or CS X Business. But if it makes me feel like a fucking unicorn then I want it. Lmao. Oh back to the double edged sword. It is so because getting more accomplishments means I have even more expectations to live up to? And im really not sure why I am so stressed all the time. Is it the shitty people in this shitty world? Or is it my own expectations. If it is the latter than me having ore accomplishments will only add to that. Oh and when I described this on reddit they immediately pointed to Imposter Syndrome. Which I hadn’t even thougt about. But might be reallly true lol.

Anyways. Gurl you got what you wanted. The happy pills. Tfw you have fucking hope when you don’t even know if you will be alive tomorrow. This must be what Camus described as the absurd. Why do I still try to look for meaning when I cant find any and there is none to be found?

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