iwtfkms

01/05/21

questioning the decision to postpone starting on the pills. Cos I aint studying anyway. I cant. I don’t know what to do. Ok perhaps I can. But i. I don’t know. Theres so many things to do. So little time.

And dead silence from HR. haha tbh I don’t know what I expect to get from them. Its not like they gonna keep pestering me after I sign the contract right. I signed it. They signed it. Its defo finalised right? idk if I did the cpf exemption thing properly. I hope so. Even if I didn’t its ok. I just worried that they may re base it to like me getting less than 1200 take home if they didn’t already sort out the cpf papers. Its like. I don’t wanna write an email lol. It gives me anxiety. Also I cant be arsed. I don’t mind doing cpf contributions tbh. Haha. This sounds so privileged. But yea. Im fine with it. Just gotta make sure I end up with at least 1200 take home. Since I have the scholarship that is mathematically impossible to lose this semester by gpa reasons. i hope cy, tl and hc have sorted out the sogp thing. I mean, I cant expect them to do all the work. But I am literally my own target audience lol. But I am paralysed. I know I should be more enthu about this project because it is meant to help people who are suffering from mental health issues like myself but I…gotta say I am not capable of caring. Lol. Also because of my f-ed up brain. So this is the money stuff I guess. Maintaining the scholarship. So that I don’t gotta worry about money. While I lose 5 dollarz a month to ibkr because I cant be arsed to invest the money I deposited. Urghh.

I think I may consider starting off with 10mg first. Generic prozac. To avoid side effects? Haha. I think I will do this for the first 4 pills? Like, the first 8 days I think. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I cant study. So amny things to do. Less than 36 hours to my paper. I am FREAKING OUT. I. dammit. I guess I gotta sacrifice this semester. And my ddp. Defo no chance of it anymore.

I don’t know if I mentioned how I missed an exam because i cba to check the exam timing and it turns out I forgot. Anyways I got to do it but with a mark deduction. And it turns out I got the highest in class by raw score? But next to my score was a deduction. It would have been really nice to be the highest score. But too bad. I am the only one who had that arrangement. The submit it one hour late arrangement. I am the only careless one. So even though by raw score I got the highest for the paper, I am not the highest in class anymore. I don’t know. I guess this is some…I don’t know. I feel quite good about myself for being able to do the paper well, even though I was literally crying for half the paper, and my hands were freezing and I couldn’t type properly for the other half because I left the aircon remote outside the room in the frenzy. Like literally crying and shouting at my mom and brother to please cooperate and leave me alone. And I ended up having like 10 minutes less or something because in the rush to start the paper I didn’t see that the prof had kindly made another extension to the submission timing such that I would have been able to get the full timing if I had actually read the email. So yea rather proud of myself. But that whole week was shit. Haha. Anyways I cant study now. I don’t know what to do.

The only thing I can do is to comfort myself by remembering that it is literally mathematically impossible for my CAP to fall below 3.5. because my 78 grade point total for the past 3 semesters, divided by the 22 modules that I will have completed by the end of this semester, mean that even if I get straight F’s and get a gpa of 0 for this semester, I will still have a gpa of 3.54. I don’t know what kind of flex is this. Some untreated-depression-i-am-fucking-going-crazy flex.

Seriously. I have like zero motivation to study right now. That’s why I am writing this. Considering that, how much worse can any size effects from prozac be? So I question my decision. And I will go back to procrastinating now.

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