disillusioningillusion

01/05/21 questioning the decision to postpone starting on the pills. Cos I aint studying anyway. I cant. I don’t know what to do. Ok perhaps I can. But i. I don’t know. Theres so many things to do. So little time. And dead silence from HR. haha tbh I don’t know what I expect to get from them. Its not like they gonna keep pestering me after I sign the contract right. I signed it. They signed it. Its defo finalised right? idk if I did the cpf exemption thing properly. I hope so. Even if I didn’t its ok. I just worried that they may re base it to like me getting less than 1200 take home if they didn’t already sort out the cpf papers. Its like. I don’t wanna write an email lol. It gives me anxiety. Also I cant be arsed. I don’t mind doing cpf contributions tbh. Haha. This sounds so privileged. But yea. Im fine with it. Just gotta make sure I end up with at least 1200 take home. Since I have the scholarship that is mathematically impossible to lose this semester by gpa reasons. i hope c...

26/04/21 24/04/21 3.15am Read somewhere that you should write something to sort out your thoughts before seeing a psychiatrist. And you know what? Even if I end up blowing it off, writing something will still be useful, I guess. Possibly the description that has struck me the most / phrase that has stuck with me the most is “it feels like the world world is on drugs and I missed the part where they were handing out the stuff.” Seriously. How is it that everyone is so happy all the time? Hans is stressed for a few days and then he’s fine. Eve is…actually doing really well now? And all of them are attached. Even that guy is feeling better, as he describes it. How is it that everyone regains their love for life so quickly? I cant focus on anything. Watch me try to open the lecture slides and end up gooing on a 5 hour youtube detour. Because that’s easier than doing work. I have about zero discipline. Would be great if I could actually. Bathe daily. Brush my teeth twice a day. Eve...

 19/04/21 I don’t know where else to write this. I can’t tell my friends because someone will tell me to extricate myself from the situation, another friend will advise against it, and others don’t know just how fucking depressed I actually am so they will not buy my story and feelings. I can’t write this on SHP because ima essentially be accusing someone of faking depression and I am not sure that sits well with that crowd. So, someone may or may not be trying to get into my panties. Personally, I don’t think so. Because he gives so many disclaimers: “as friends”, “not a date / asking out”, etc. (Oh by the way if we actually get friendly enough I may give him a name here in this blog. But otherwise basing the name on his initials won’t work because someone else that I have mentioned here, countless times, already has a similar name. So, for now, he is just “he”. Or “the guy”.) Well, when I see those disclaimers, I don’t exactly feel good. After all am I that unattractive that...