disillusioningillusion

15/05/2020 I’m currently at day 27. Kind of a strange situation how this came about, and I never thought that I would’ve made it this far. I started small; I’d say. This wasn’t intended to be plank challenge at all. It started of as a “can Sashimi cross out boxes on a piece of paper stuck to her wall every day?” literally that simple, just crossing out boxes. But I still managed to miss about 3 days at the start. I was in a bad place, having really low self-esteem and all, and I wanted to prove to myself that I had enough discipline to do something, ANYTHING, at all for 30 days. Though I missed a few days, it still proved to me that I could be consistent if I wanted to. And it did help me to feel less shitty about myself, even though it was literally that small of a task. Especially since the lockdown started somewhere in the middle of that and that was an inkling of routine in a time of chaos. Y’know, mindlessly crossing out boxes on a piece of paper is definitely easier than ...

25/01/20 I realize this is probably very risky to do here. I also don’t know why I am even doing this. Considering that I don’t intend to write anything objective and it will be just me rambling on about my worries and feelings about the modules. And ranting about very irrelevant stuff which I, hopefully, commented out. Here goes nothing. CS1101S Programming Methodology MCs: 4 Expected Grade: B+/A- Actual Grade: A Workload: too damn much Assessments: 30% Finals, 70% CA Profs: Martin Henz, Low Kok Lim The introduction to programming module, compulsory for all first year Computer Science students. It is more of a problem-solving module, with an introduction to the various fields of computer science, rather than focusing on the actual coding. It is taught in a language called Source which is a derivative of JavaScript. For the continual assessments it consists of around 20% of graded homework called missions which were some coding problems often with a backstory. The...

071219 I think the only reason that I joined Chinese Dance as a CCA in primary school was because I was following a friend. At that time, she raised her hand to get a consent form to start going for dance practices in primary 2. And as she was my best friend, I, too, wanted to join dance to be with her. And Chinese Dance was kinda a breeze, because I’m very flexible. Like, surprisingly flexible. I think I am double jointed. Which is not an exaggeration, even though I exaggerate a lot, because I have subluxed my ankle and shoulder more times than I would like to remember. And my knees hurt when I stand for long periods of time. But this is beside the point. The point is, I liked dancing cos I was good at it, cos I was very flexible. But then again, not really, because my coordination leaves much to be desired. Which may also be related to the double jointedness. And I also joined Guzheng Ensemble briefly when I was in primary 2. Again, I think I was simply following a friend. ...

Normal me is a constant state of “oh crap am I gonna die” and “I want to kill myself” and “fuck life”. But not all is dark up here. Maybe people don’t know that. Or they do not think that that is possible. But I am part cinnamon roll too. I love and I care too. And I am warmth too. Maybe less sunshine and more the burning embers of hell. But I can be warm too. Especially when I realize that someone is suffering more than I am. Someone whom I care about. And whom I want to protect. And in view of the fact that some people are harming themselves by like, cutting themselves with a blade, or other hurtful, painful, and dangerous methods, here is a list of things that I propose a person who wants to harm themselves can do instead. 1.       Shaving. I recently bought a new straight edge razor. Not to cut myself with. But for actual shaving. And like, I wanted to do my own hair someday and that seems like a useful tool. 2.       Drawin...

So this Deepavali fell on a Sunday, and the following Monday was a public holiday in lieu. I had three fucking submissions due on that day, mind you. XX is a Bitch. Or rather, I shouldn’t be blaming XX, since two of the submissions were for an Introductory Biology module. Anyways, it was a Monday, and two thirds of the way into the day, with a mere 8 hours left to the dreaded 2359, it was made known to me that I would have to attend a dinner event. It was a Clan Association thing. And I wouldn’t bother with events, except that by going I would receive $300 for some academic award, and there was WINE. Mind you, wine. And so I went. I delayed going out of the house for ass long as possible, and was a bit late as a result. And so the dinner began, and me and my siblings went on stage for the awards. My family, sat at a table with another portly middle aged man, who was receiving the award on behalf of his son who had exams the next day. So and no one else. The table was only half fill...

30/09/19 I have been drafting a piece called “why I think I am dying”. It is not ready yet, but this is a relevant piece which will add one more reason to why I think I am dying. I have loved alcohol since I tasted it in 2012 when I was on holiday and tried some Champagne. I mean, yeah, the taste is bitter and all, but I am someone who drinks black coffee and black tea and finds it nice. I think I am the kind of person who lacks a certain taste receptor which makes me less sensitive to certain unpleasant tastes in alcohol, bitter coffee, and certain vegetables. Cos I pretty much thrive on these three things. I remember very very rarely having a sip of alcohol or two at family functions after that. And occasionally I’d sneak a sip from the open bottles. The first time I had alcohol outside of my house was I think in 2016 when I was doing some science project at a friend’s house. Or maybe we were playing. And she brought a pitcher of something that was probably kombucha or some k...

30/09/19 This is a letter to my father that he should never ever read. Dear Daddy, I admire you so much, you are such an inspiration, but some things that you do I just cannot understand and I completely disagree with. Your life is perfect, and I am lucky to be born to someone so wholesome and so perfect. Your life is perfect, what more do you so desire? Say you play the lottery and you win a thousand grand. A few thousand grand. So what? You have that! you have a thousand grand. I know it. I also know the stock market is volatile, but you had it! And in a few years, maybe a couple decades you will have a paid off property worth over a thousand grand if the property market holds out. Why do you sin? Why are you addicted to the lottery? A hundreds of dollars a week. I mean, I could make better use of that money! I want the best for you and your psyche and your constant desiring for something that is based on pure luck and is a statistical impossibility is unhealthy. I ki...