All of Denji’s Mental Illnesses

 11/01/24

 

24/09/23

Orthorexia

Y’know when Denji was telling you about how you needed to run more to lose the fat. It wasn’t really directed at you. At that time, you already didn’t really take it to heart / feel hurt. Instead, you found it funny, because you know what you want, you know what your ideal is. It is to not be weak. To not appear weak. Being a skinny B / curvy girl next door has no part in that ideal. But now you realise that it really wasn’t directed at you at all. Instead, it was directed at himself. He has Orthorexia. I havent asked him if the reason he abstains from alcohol is because (1) he hates the taste or (2) he hates how he becomes when drunk or (3) he thinks it is unhealthy. If it turns out it is (3), this supports the orthorexia hypothesis. Not because being a teetotaler is orthorexia, but this is in addition to all the other things that he does. He peels the skin off the chicken chop. He feels guilty when eating desert, and he says that he will need to go for a run later in the day if he finishes the waffel, and because it is too late to go for a run, he cannot eat the entire waffel but instead must limit himself to half a waffel. And he asks me occassionally (now more and more frequently) if I can finish my food, and to “not force myself” if I cant finish it or if I am full already. Like, dude, I am enjoying my food and this comment made me lose my appetite because it makes me feel like a glutton. But immediately upon realising this thought of mine, I find his comment incredibly amusing. It is not directed to me, but directed to himself. He also worries about being too “small” in terms of muscles, and perhaps it is not orthorexia but bigorexia.

Depression

Denji has always had depression. Or at least since NS. “adjustment disorder”, they called it. And with it comes a feeling of meaninglessness and irratability. But this has persisted way beyond the timeframe and scope for adjustment disorder. Denji has flirted around with antidepressants, but he says that they were ineffective. He has once brought up going back on antidepressants as a way to lower his libido, and I think maybe that will be a good idea even if just to treat his actual depression LMAO. Like, he’s an extreme nihilist, he definitely has a serotonin deficit and would benefit from going back on antidepressants even if just to make sure he doesn’t fkin of* himself if I disappear someday. Like, you thought that the reason he doesn’t want children and he wants to retire early is because hes a liberal / environmentalist who knows the world is going to shit / anticapitalist who doesn’t want to contribute to the toxic capitalist society. But no. it is just because he thinks that life is suffering and he doesn’t want to curse anyone with having to live, he think that having to work to support yourself is suffering. I mean I kinda understand his point of view too? But he isn’t life-affirming and I kinda hate that. Like, he took the depressive nihilist track. I’m more of an absurdist that believes in taking every opportunity to have fun.

Borderline Personality Disorder

No sense of self. He has no sense of his own desires. He wants to retire early. But whenever asked about what he plans to do after retiring, his plans invariably revolve around Gilbert. Travelling with Gilbert and showing Gilbert the nice things he has seen. Spending time with Gilbert. “Doing nothing with Gilbert.” This actually throws back to depression, it is his constant desire to “do nothing”, yet being restless whenever he is able to do nothing. But here the focus is on Gilbert. Gilbert has told Denji about BPD, but I don’t think he actually went to read up what that is. (Well, I mean, Gilbert also has some symptoms of BPD, like having no sense of self. But that is mainly caused by autism and a combination of dysphoria / dysmorphia I think?) In contrast I think what a healthy non-BPD person might have as goals / things they want to do should reference themselves more, for example, that I would like to run a marathon, or that I would like to visit every continent, etc. and like, your personal  goals should not be directed towards a person. Also Denji claims to have an anxious attachment style. Or something along those lines. To medicalise it, that is a fear of abandonment. Which is a symptom of BPD. He flies into a rage / depressive episode / breaks down when he perceives that he might be losing his favourite person, Gilbert. Also, having a Favourite Person. That is a symptom of BPD.

Addiction

So I said Denji is a teetotaler. But there is something he is addicted to. That is Corn. With a P. I don’t know what is a healthy amount (if any), but watching Cornography everyday, even if just for 5 minutes, is not it, man. Especially if the intention is just to get off. Because he feels like he needs to get off. That’s like saying I have a shot of vodka every night before sleeping, because I feel like I need to be at some state of drunkenness. Denji thinks it a physical necessity. Isnt that like, physiological withdrawal. Also being fkin corny (with an ‘h’) all the time and having the urge to grope the cantaloups. Basically, being CSM Denji. Denji kann nicht Denji sein. Help! I’m getting incel vibes! Or  maybe just danger. I don’t know.