Nelsonizing CS8891532 Part 1

06/05/23

 

6/2/23

Or not really. Nelsonizing would be if you don’t do shit and only give random characters for code that doesn’t work at all when threatened with $4000. But theres other ways to give half arsed work, like risking being expelled. Bruh I don’t wanna have to pay like 14k. Because plagiarism’s a bitch. Like the other 5 people back then, Nelson included, who treated the reference solution like the holy grail/gospel. Or maybe they didn’t understand it and didn’t bother understanding it.

But its so obvious a carbon copy, if a human so much as compared it side by side. But luckily it was autograded mostly. And the human grader was pretty dumb methinks.

And someone dug a hole for themselves by being a loudmouth. And somehow the ball is in my court to not be a complete asshole. So I have to agree to whatever proposal it is.

And it really do be FUCKING VIOLATING MY BOUNDARIES when people are already planning for my wedding and inviting people to my wedding when I specifically said to TAKE IT SLOW. Namely my seed and egg providers already thinking about how “MY CHILDREN” are gonna address them. The only way I will lay eggs is if I get rped and enter a 9-month coma or something.

8/2/23

And just…seriously, get you a sister who says that gay people are just gay because they’re chronically online. Ngl, it was kinda hurtful. And also “do you have an ex-BOYfriend”. Like OKAYYYYY way go to assuming my sexuality and the gender of the people that I have kinda crushed on and had a situationship on before. Though it is true that both people that I have really called my partner or had any chance of being with in the past identified as men. One I knew way back as a girl who turned out to be a trans-masc (Yao), and one hyperconservative-traditional-family-roles boy from an elitist school (Spy). Like, I don’t even know if I actually like the latter, or do I just miss going to expensive places like USS and having someone say that they are attracted to me because “elegant” (cue: Spy x Family) and not because they are fucking down bad and constantly staring at my boobs and ass, which I totally regret eating too many papayas in my youth for. He is comforting as a protector, but kinda annoys the hell out of me how much he cares about mianzi. And I really should start excludng Yao from my calculations, because everything we ever had was just joking and banter between a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old. Like how he would call me his wife and joke about how we would convert to the youngest abrahamic religion so that he would have complete control over me. But even then he never really viewed me as a real potential partner. They had crushes on like teachers and other students all over the place but never me. So I really cant say we had anything.

But we cant forget June Scarlet and where the fuck she disappeared to. I want her, I want her so bad, I cant even tell if its purely as a friend or I want her as a girlfriend. These three people I have dreamt of, dreamt of hugging them. June Scarlet, Yao, and Spy.

And now my current partner Denji is a guy too. I am extremely uncomfortable referring to him as anything other than partner. “boyfriend” as a word to describe him I find it kinda ick. This relationship is kinda a dysphoria triggering mess. I don’t know what I am anymore. Being near him makes me want to dress as a boy and be able to bench 135, which is his weight. Like, I tell myself that I will never ever get into bed with anyone whose weight I cannot bench, and I set this rule for myself because of him. Because being a “woman” is being s3xually appealing to him and its kinda dangerous y’know. And personality wise he’s like a nihilist conservative, kinda like a crass version of Spy, but also constantly h0rny. Being together with him makes me see myself as a guy. So you might think, in this case, why cant “boyfriend” refer to a gay boyfriend? Like, hes a boyfriend to me, a masc. But the problem seems to be that I cant ever see him viewing me as anything other than a girl with boobs. Goddamn, it makes me want to learn Thai.

Like at this point I don’t even know if I am aromantic in addition to asexual. Also what if im aplatonic as well? Like, this would be the identity explanation. To why I have no friends. I don’t know if im sapphic. Like what does it feel like to want a woman? Probably how it feels to want a man too. But how then does it feel like to want a man? I don’t know. P3nises are gross. But I can imagine having s3x with a woman more so than with a man.

I don’t really know how to explain myself either. Like, i know for sure I am not against premarital s3x, and I have nothing against abortions if needed. But like, for myself I just don’t want it. Maybe…just with Denji? I don’t know it I would want it if it were someone else. Denji is a complete …I don’t know. It started off for me as a game, how far can I go kinda thing. But now we have told our relationship to the fucking government! (Ok maybe just one statutory board.) My parents gave him $50 for fuck.

I kinda just wish what the boys in Primary 4 said was right already. That I can get a diagnosis for it. Autism. Like this would really explain why I have no friends.