Good Damage / Bad Damage

06/05/23

 

09/04/23

If the damage isn’t useful then it wasn’t good damage. But just because it wasn’t good damage does that make it bad damage?

I don’t know.

The other day I thought I was about to trigger another bout of NSSI. Cos in 2020 that started with punching a tree. Then my fingers might have been broken. It was painful for over 6 weeks. But anyway before 6 weeks were over, I noticed that that was my “brand” of NSSI. But that cant be, because I will injure my bones, and my bones are important to me. Within a month of that incident I started on the blade. And I am afraid that this time again I will go down that path. But…I feel more stable now. So, I don’t think I will.

An aside: in 2018 I used twigs and branches to SH. Though it wasn’t too successful because I was a coward. But the moral of the story is: me and trees arent meant to be. Also I love throwing knives at trees. June, oh June. I miss you, June Scarlet.

And my addictive personality NSSI-ish thing of this past year has been…trichotillomania. It doesn’t seem SH-y, unlike the blade or the salty ice or the wall / tree. Because the damage isnt immediately visible. Or overtly painful.

And it is because of this that I don’t think I will revert to other forms of SH. Which sounds actually quite bad now that I think about it.

But yes, the tree. I punched the tree and the tree was rough and my skin peeled and I almost got a boxer’s fracture, but luckily I seem to have tide over the worst of the pain with no permanent damage.

And why? Because Denji wanted to breakup with me. Or he didn’t actuallly say that. He just said that he wanted to drop me as his group project mate. For two modules. Like, well, fuck. Like, it’d be better if he just said he wanted to break up instead. That would have been less scary. Like, it’d suck. Because then we would be doing things on his schedule rather than mine, as in breaking up with him as the dumper with the high ground. I want to be the one to initiate. Its like how I had actually prepared the “I'm ace” (edited: 11/01/24) conversation for last December and I was gonna be the one to raise the topic and propose we split. But he said it first. So I became defensive because I don’t like losing. This May, I WILL BE THE ONE TO INITIATE A FIGHT. Like, enough already hor. Stop picking fights with me. Youre a man. Stop acting so Yin. Since that day I have been walking on eggshells around him. Because I don’t want to waste the bone risk I took for nothing. If he says he wanna break up again I really have nothing left to act psycho short of taking a fucking knife already.

And the other day he asked me if I planned to travel anywhere in summer. Uhhh…werent we talking about it and then it fell through? Oh so you think I am travelling without you? <redacted till 05/06/23>

12/04/23

I feel like one of those characters in those tiktok short stories who are given like a limited number of words each day. I have zero words left. 

13/04/23 0100h

Just…let me win for once. Stop saying things like that. Just let me win for once.

There is really no way to argue against you other than to say that you are judgemental and narcissistic. Don’t really appreciate getting gas lit. And selfish. Boomer. Narrow-minded.

Stop it. Its giving “emotionally striking her before bio prac”.

Stop saying you want to quit everytime something comes up.

13/04/23 1000h

It is sad that I can’t fuck you up anymore because now you caught the ick and look on to me with disgust.

I laughed when you said that I remind you of your mom. Well same. Being with you, Denji, feels like one step forward two steps back. You too remind me of my dad. In a very freudian turn of events we all have mommy and daddy issues.

And for over a year I held the phallus. Your lack was strong and you castrated yourself for me. In fact, I was the phallus. But I am no longer the phallus wielder.

Like, you can’t exactly dump someone who sees themselves as being higher than you.

All my damage has turned into 泡沫.

And its worrying.

Like I give zero damns about my lack of attraction to you. But my mental health on the other hand is worrying. I don’t know if it has a chemical basis. On the one hand, it seems to have gotten worse this semester, and the difference being excess estrogen. So I have an imbalance of testosterone and estrogen. Im p sure HRT will help now. I no longer want to be controlled by estrogen. I want to take T and get big. Another chemical issue is the lack of serotonin and dopamine.

It is worrying not knowing whether I can even survive in this world.

I gave you such a big ick that you are now questioning your priorities. Well that sucks.

Yalls are predatorial. Even if I date a woman theres no guarantee that she wont have her hands all over me. I hate it.

15/04/23 0100h

I want to start T to stop my <redacted> because I think my mood has gotten more unstable and generally worse since starting E.

Funny how our hormornes affect our neurotransmitters. Or they don’t, and any instability on my part is just caused by being in a toxic relationship that I cant wait to get out off.  A self-imposed hostage situation. I hate this frfr.