The End – TWSNBN Part 7

24/12/22

Its over. My personhood is still lost somewhere in the abyss; I did not find it. I did not regain my personhood. Sapere aude. But I do not dare to look, I do not dare to know. What is knowledge for, and what is education for? Clearly, I was wrong in answering the latter. In fact, they do want me dead, “my” x mod 6 = 1. It was constant pain. Alas I did not earn my right to be treated as a human. And again and again and again I had contemplated exercising my radical freedom, almost deciding to back out gracefully. But it turns out I did not need to do a thing. Or should I say, I could not do a thing. I had no choice in the matter. Come to think about it, just what do I actually have control and power over? I had no say in anything. I had always thought that I had the power, but really I do not.

In love as in work, I do not hold the phallus. In love, I had believed that he has castrated himself in his love, giving me the phallus which he thought he had. I thought I had the phallus. But also la  femme n’existe pas, so I thought I was the phallus. How powerful is that?! Being the phallus! I don’t just possess the phallus, I am the phallus! But do I really? I cant live without him. I am acting completely on my fear register nowadays. I am not free. And here I am, thinking, how could I choose the worst possible time to end it and fuck with his life? Just for curiosity’s sake. But in reality I die too, when it ends.

Kierkegaard broke off an engagement because??? And what reason do I have to make as dramative a movement as this?

Denji asked, “what does your discomfort feel like?” I don’t know how to reply. “Its like a ticklish feeling, I guess.” And I know that it doesn’t make my discomfort any less valid. Denji says that we don’t want to be punched because a punch is painful. Then he asks why does one not want to be touched when it is uncomfortable? What is the sensation, what is the feeling? Dude, have you ever considered that discomfort itself is the feeling, that this desire to modesty and chastity and bodily integrity, the desire not to be touched, stems from an internal sense of reflection rather than an external sensation?

I turn into stone. And what power do I really have, when he puts his arms around me? I would push him away and punch him in the balls, but I don’t want this to end just yet. As I said, I cant live without him. 

Anyway, it’s the end.

No more free zoom premium. But with no more need to zoom, I can now survive on 50 GB a month of data instead of needing 100 GB.

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