Mediocrity

 230622 0101h

25/02/22

I think that i am mediocre. I also think that my boyf hates me. Perhaps “hate” is a strong word. That it will end soon because he has realized how much of a self-centered bitch i am.

A word i once used was “unimpressive” and i think it made someone wanna laugh. Other words are unassuming and…kitsch. Which means basic, but i think i am hardly basic if i barely go out of the vase of being a wallflower.

Anyway, back to mediocrity. Some things that I do make me seem like a complete doofus. And yet some things that i do manage to fool some people into believing that that i am in any way capable.

People that know me try to reassure me that I am not above average. I am godlike. Well i don’t buy that BS.

I don’t know whats my end-goal. It wont be pretty since im below average.

 

03/03/22

My boyf doesn’t hate me. But my mom thinks he soon will, if I keep being a homebody. Maybe he does.

The gears on the clock keep spinning, closer, closer, and closer to the deadline. But my motivation to start applications are nonexistent. I am scared to start, because that would be locking in rejections. I know i have to start. Please just GIVE IT TO ME ffs. If i don’t start, of course it will be a fail.

 

07/03/22 – midnight or smth

Yesterday, I couldve sworn my boyf hates me.

 

07/03/22 – afternoon

Because he forgot our weekly call.

Pretty queer, innit, to call once a week.

But then he remembered it.

I mean, I almost thought something happened.

But luckily all’s well.

Today I took a nap. And I think I dreamt that my boyf hates me. So we went somewhere, we were in the car with the rest of my family. I forgot the context. But for some reason he went down the car. Perhaps to help a cat or something. And then suddenly there were a lot of people surrounding our car and pointing at my door, saying things like “its ok, come here” or something, seems like theyre talking to a little bird that is stuck to the door and refusing to let go. I think they were telling us not to make any large movements with the car or something. I suddenly got the urge to open and slam the door shut in order to kiap the whatever is on the door and kill it. But at the same time I feared that the people outside will be angry and start bashing me. Someone inside the car stopped me, i think they were appalled by my sadism. Dad quickly drove the car away to prevent me from doing the door move. And my boyf was left behind. And then we ended up at some restaurant in bedok mall. I think we were supposed to have dinner? I don’t know. We had like 2 relatives there and then one extra chair for my boyf. And I was like, isnt this too much people for his first meal with us. Anyway, I texted my boyf (on my apple watch no less, I had an apple watch in the dream) to say that we forgot that he was still outside the car and drove away. Or something. I think I wanted to tell him where we were but for some reason, I was unable to do so. I think i left the restaurant for a while for don’t know what. And the next scene in the restaurant I remember was that the two relatives had left and the chairs were replaced. And somehow the next thing I remember is that we were at my bedok-grandparents house. And a lot of time must have elapsed lmao. Anyways I went upstairs and I, on my apple watch, was gonna update him on where we were. But for some reason I got distracted and was unable to do so. Or maybe i did tell him. And I wanted to apologize but was unable to do so. The next moment I was in the kitchen and my boyf was there and he was eating a KFC, while everyone else was having home cooked food. He appeared quite upset, and I walked up to him and said that I wanted to text him about where we were but “i forgot to do so” I think he became even more upset because it seemed like we don’t care about him, me included. I wanted to explain myself but he was like, “save your excuses”. But in reality i didn’t forget at all, I just kept being stopped. I don’t remember anything else lmao. But it was quite a nightmarish dream i suppose.

 

13/03/22

Im virtue signalling harddddd.

I opened up a box that i used to put my empty pill blisters. And its almost filled to the brim. I think i barely threw any away since i started taking them. I thought maybe it could be used to make an art piece.

I had a bad dream last night.

 

16/03/22

Why do the things that i say make people laugh at the most inappropriate times? Perhaps it is not inappropriate. But i wasn’t trying to make them laugh lol.

Is he a grad student? Lol. I could never speak for 5 minutes straight. Maybe i am slow but i can literally understand nothing because of the accent i feel like a bitch but that’s fax. 7 minutes now. I don’t know if the thoughts that i am thinking is the same as what the majority is thinking. 8 minutes now. At any moment i expect him to start cutting him off but i think he is too nice to do this.

 

23/03/22

Parkinson’s law, but with my bandwidth, and overthinking. Your troubles will expand to fill your available bandwidth. Fuck this. My hair is turning white. Dammit.