To Date an NPC

 14/02/22

 

11 Feb 2022: I’ve been suffering hella procrastination and I have a 15% CA due in like less than a quarter of a day, which I havent even started drafting yet. And I don’t know what I plan to do but definitelly starting is a difficult task so I thought I might just write a short one here.

You know how in relationships theres the male role and the female role. The male role is supposed to be the voice of reason, the breadwinner, etc. Whereas the female role is supposed to be caring… and basically being caring AF.

Oftentimes i imagine such a scene:

Someone points a microphone at my boyf and asks him:

Interviewer: “So, how does it feel like dating an NPC?”

And in these daydreams, I don’t have his reply.

I don’t know who the interviewer is, I can’t imagine anyone else asking him this question. It seems like I am the interviewer, but it doesn’t make sense for me to ask my own boyf what it feels like to be dating me.

I am a non player character, I have no personality and I don’t speak unless spoken to. He plays both roles, the rational one and the caring one. I have no discernable personality.

 

14 Feb 2022: today I am procrastinating two different things. Most importantly, I need to craft my resume to give to my … dad? I hope it is not too late. He asked for it two weeks ago. And also a project submission that is due in less than a week, some coding to do and it is literally in the gutter right now. It needs help. And so do I.

And it is vday, and I don’t have a date today. But he does. The one I rejected two years back. And so here are some letters. To M and to J.

To M: I still miss you. I deleted our messages a few weeks ago, a whole ass year after we last conversed. I learnt that you only know you love someone when it is over, and they are gone. I think you are happy with her now and that’s great. She was your first choice anyway. I regret my decisions. What would it be like if we worked out? I don’t know. But blame it on alcohol, I guess. I learnt never to get drunk when you have secrets to keep. Or maybe I didn’t have secrets. Maybe I did love you, but my subconscious is a pathological liar. I am still the same NPC that I said I was, over two years ago. The same one who doesn’t know how to be a friend and doesn’t know how to be a girlfriend. You’re right, I will never get a boyfriend if I don’t know to tell someone when I am not interested. Or something along that line. Memory is foggy. “No boy will like a girl who doesn’t know what she wants.”

To J: I think I love you, but I cannot know. Because you only know you love someone when its over, right? I think I am your sixth choice, and I am afraid you have given up, and I am afraid you don’t actually love me but you are just staying because you believe you have no other choice. I think the feling between us is there though, just a fear that crawls in my brain. 我不怕你 爱不爱我 / 只害怕你 以为爱我 / 抓紧我 不算拥有 你总学不会放手 / 我不怕你 不懂爱我 / 只怕你 把习惯 当作爱 / 你猜不透 我要什么。I am afraid that you have given up on your pride, that you will stay even when I am a complete asshole to you. I am an NPC. I haven’t told you that yet.

To M & J: yall are one and the same, really. I think your height is about the same. Perhaps M is slightly taller. Yall are both cuddly. Perhaps J is more buff. Yall like skinship. Yall care about other people, and what other people think. M cares more about appearances. J cares more about helping the underpriviledged. But do yall know? I care more about myself than others. Perhaps I am a selfish bitch. But I couldn’t be arsed to care about making others happy. I couldn’t be arsed to care about helping the community. Yall like finance and the markets. M is an aggressive investor and J is a passive investor. Yall are both scholars and yall both know what you want to do. M wants to hustle and be an entreprenuer. J wants a stable job with work life balance and financial freedom. Heck what is the weirdest is that yall are both born in December. M is a Sagittarius and J is a Capricorn. And yall live in Jurong. Boon Lay and Chinese Garden if I remember correctly. Yall are willing to splurge on good food. Yall are both weebs. So am I. Yall like japanese cuisine. And so do I. Yall are both more religious than me. Which, for weebs in the 21^st century, is surprising. Both of yall played Supercell games with me, lol. M played Brawl Stars and J played Clash of Clans. But yall both didn’t last, and I continued playing even after yall quitted. Yall both know I yeet. Yalls schools are different tho. And probably yalls army unit or whatever that is called.

The grass is probably greener on the other side.