Gone and weird

26/11/21

Remember how i screamed the manic away the last two weeks?

I have no more manic left, and this fact is incredibly salient.

Its just pure sadness. On and on and on and fucking with my brain. And missing my appointment on Monday. When i was already at the place. 3 hours early. And decided to just skip it. Because i wanted to see my man. And he was already coming to where i am because i said i was there. So like, Dr Shrink can wait. And then proceeding to decide that imma stop prozac cold turkey. Or like, until the next appointment. Then two days later the clinic called me. And the next appointment could only be like two weeks later. So die me. But i actually had an emergency prozac stash. Which is supposedy for times like this, if its gonna be for anything. But also it is my exit plan in case i ever get like quarantined. So i kinda don’t wanna deplete the stock. Also i had earlier planned on taking a tolerance break but like after my exams. NOT BEFORE MY EXAMS!!!! Fucked up. And now my neck hurts. Which is probably cos of bad posture. But also crazy ass dreams. One where i was at work and there was a buffet or something. And i took a bunch of meat. And another one where i was backstage at some pri / sec school performance and i was tired but i needed to take a shit so i took one on the chair i was sitting on, thinking that i wouldn’t soil my pants because I HAD REMOVED THEM IN A PUBLIC PLACE. But that was not the case and i woke up having soiled them and rushed to the loo. And when i returned someone was sitting on the crap stained chair, bless them. It is like, a dream within a dream. Dream ception. I am not sure which dream came first. But i wouldn’t be surprised if the work one was within the crap one.

Yea and i am gonna blame it on stopping prozac, the fact that i have such weird dreams. those which leave me feeling confused af after waking up. Its not “vivid” as it is often termed for SSRI dreams. But its like realistic? And too realistic. And at a fucking high frequency. Like 4 dreams in 3 days. And taking naps much too often too. I mean it could all just be a placebo effect of stopping prozac. But i wanna believe it is cos of prozac and so i shall.

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