disillusioningillusion

26/11/21 Remember how i screamed the manic away the last two weeks? I have no more manic left, and this fact is incredibly salient. Its just pure sadness. On and on and on and fucking with my brain. And missing my appointment on Monday. When i was already at the place. 3 hours early. And decided to just skip it. Because i wanted to see my man. And he was already coming to where i am because i said i was there. So like, Dr Shrink can wait. And then proceeding to decide that imma stop prozac cold turkey. Or like, until the next appointment. Then two days later the clinic called me. And the next appointment could only be like two weeks later. So die me. But i actually had an emergency prozac stash. Which is supposedy for times like this, if its gonna be for anything. But also it is my exit plan in case i ever get like quarantined. So i kinda don’t wanna deplete the stock. Also i had earlier planned on taking a tolerance break but like after my exams. NOT BEFORE MY EXAMS!!!! Fucked u

 15/11/21 I might have screamed away the manic the other day. The day of the previous post. Impulsively I yote. Then realising that I ruined my 144-day streak I screamed. I screamed until I could scream no longer. While crying. And I yote some more because no one would even care. And now my manic is about over for now, I guess. Back to being depressed. Impulsivity made me yeet and then consumed itself. But I am still just as distractable.

10/11/21 My seminars for this semester are over, I think. I am pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable they were. Fun af. I mean, I surely hated feeling like an autistic kid in a sea of adults at a ballroom because of my ineptitude at communicating with people outside of a classroom setting. Even people’s accents left me feeling like, whot is going on????? Am I in fucking America? And their way of talking made me feel like a fucking baby lol. But yea I got to be kinda a “class clown moments” by participating in class. I am not sure if I might have gone overboard. I mean, I thought Diogenes-style “behold a man” jokes were expected, not a literal description of REDACTED . I didn’t spend an entire essay talking about cats now, but I did went a little over with my desire to climb Mount Everest. Yea I’m not sure if making puns about Kant is appropriate. Anyway, I wanna title my next essay something like “Consider the Kantsequences” or something. Or maybe I might try to find some way to we