Everyone’s Ok. You’re Not. That’s…Fine. – DDLC, My Spiralling

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First off, congrats on completing your draft essay 1 day late. Congrats on having so many upcoming things. Congrats on that huge misjudgement.

 

Recently, I downloaded a game called Doki Doki Literature Club.

I thought it was just cute girls. I mean I knew about the Sayori death scare thing, but I thought it was just a bonus side thing that you can manipulate the game files for.

I didn’t realise that the genre was psychological horror.

When Sayori kermitted sewerslide after I rejected her love. I felt guilty af because I thought that I killed her. I thought that I destroyed the game, because I didn’t know that that was the main plotline, and all decisions will end up in Sayori’s death. I just about cried, because Sayori’s story resonated a lot with me. I mean, Sayori’s depression was intensified by Monika “manipulating the game” but my fucking-crippling-depression is real life and I. Don’t. Know. How to continue living.

I played the Yuri storyline.

Then in Act 2 it was revealed that Yuri yeets. And that was like, I quite expected it to happen, but I didn’t expect that it would be so graphic.

It kind of fucked with my brain lol. I get the warnings. I was traumatized after Sayori died. But surprisingly seeing Yuri cut wasn’t really triggering? The effect was something like scrolling SHP on a day when the urges aren’t too strong.

 

Something else I’ve been doing is…not bathing. Life is tough. And everyone hates me. And I’m sticky and icky and there’s so much shit to do but I’m doing none of it.

And yeeting. Again.

 

And an update from like a few days later I don’t even know when I started writing this. But anyways I found an internship. And you know what. I expected that once I found it, I will finally be happy. But I am not.

Perhaps its definite proof that I need an SSRI. Or something.

I’ve been worrying about this for the entire two months since February. And now that I’ve almost secured this. I was so close to ghosting on the interview yesterday. I don’t know.

Apparently self-sabotaging is a symptom of BPD.

I think there was something I wanted to say. Perhaps about the worsening severity of yeeting. But you know what. I think I will try to stop. At least until school reopens again.

I know. How dire. But if I want to get through internship without being “written up for being a crazy fker” or something, and I want to be able to wear normal clothes, I need to stop yeeting.

Certainly, this doesn’t mean that I will actively start triggering myself when school reopens. I mean. I don’t know. I certainly hope not.

There was more I wanted to say but I can’t remember. My memory is piece-y. It feels like my brain is in pieces and I am trying, unsuccessfully, to put together the pieces. Like a puzzle with broken pieces. Well nothing I say even makes sense.

I think a last statement I want to say is this: wet healing is definitively better than dry healing. My 3-4 swipe styro that bled like a girl on her period looks to be healing better than my one swipe shallower styro. Because it was covered up. So I guess I will try to use plasters from now on.

Relipore bandages are awesome too. But they are far from inconspicuous, which is what my closeted ass needs lol.

So my goal is to stop yeeting the visible parts.