disillusioningillusion

26/04/21 24/04/21 3.15am Read somewhere that you should write something to sort out your thoughts before seeing a psychiatrist. And you know what? Even if I end up blowing it off, writing something will still be useful, I guess. Possibly the description that has struck me the most / phrase that has stuck with me the most is “it feels like the world world is on drugs and I missed the part where they were handing out the stuff.” Seriously. How is it that everyone is so happy all the time? Hans is stressed for a few days and then he’s fine. Eve is…actually doing really well now? And all of them are attached. Even that guy is feeling better, as he describes it. How is it that everyone regains their love for life so quickly? I cant focus on anything. Watch me try to open the lecture slides and end up gooing on a 5 hour youtube detour. Because that’s easier than doing work. I have about zero discipline. Would be great if I could actually. Bathe daily. Brush my teeth twice a day. Eve

 19/04/21 I don’t know where else to write this. I can’t tell my friends because someone will tell me to extricate myself from the situation, another friend will advise against it, and others don’t know just how fucking depressed I actually am so they will not buy my story and feelings. I can’t write this on SHP because ima essentially be accusing someone of faking depression and I am not sure that sits well with that crowd. So, someone may or may not be trying to get into my panties. Personally, I don’t think so. Because he gives so many disclaimers: “as friends”, “not a date / asking out”, etc. (Oh by the way if we actually get friendly enough I may give him a name here in this blog. But otherwise basing the name on his initials won’t work because someone else that I have mentioned here, countless times, already has a similar name. So, for now, he is just “he”. Or “the guy”.) Well, when I see those disclaimers, I don’t exactly feel good. After all am I that unattractive that I a

 16/04/21 Do you ever wonder how the world map might be like if China / some other East Asian country were to have colonized the world instead of European countries? I was thinking about that. I’m not sure if “colonized” is the right word. What I mean is like, something like being the founders of globalization and the modern world. In that case it is very likely that I would be writing in Chinese right now. But lets not go there haha. Is it possible for East Asia to have been the colonizers? Is East Asian society conducive to colonialism? I guess it is not too much of a fetch. China’s did do quite a lot of conquering in the … past. I don’t know when. And Japan too, during the pre-WW2 era. But I am not sure if that is by influence of Western norms and interactions with western countries and the normalization of Colonialization in the League of Nations. But my guess is that it is possible. Now how would they have drawn up the world map? It is very likely that if China were to be a world

090421 First off, congrats on completing your draft essay 1 day late. Congrats on having so many upcoming things. Congrats on that huge misjudgement.   Recently, I downloaded a game called Doki Doki Literature Club. I thought it was just cute girls. I mean I knew about the Sayori death scare thing, but I thought it was just a bonus side thing that you can manipulate the game files for. I didn’t realise that the genre was psychological horror. When Sayori kermitted sewerslide after I rejected her love. I felt guilty af because I thought that I killed her. I thought that I destroyed the game, because I didn’t know that that was the main plotline, and all decisions will end up in Sayori’s death. I just about cried, because Sayori’s story resonated a lot with me. I mean, Sayori’s depression was intensified by Monika “manipulating the game” but my fucking-crippling-depression is real life and I. Don’t. Know. How to continue living. I played the Yuri storyline. Then in Act 2