Therapy – Finding a Root Cause

 23/03/21 0221h

For the SH.

I have written about this perhaps a million times already. But I want to try to find the real reason I started.

I don’t know who was it who “influenced” me to SH. (Well I know who introduced me. But that’s beside the point.)

I saw a post where I wrote about someone, perhaps Eve, SH-ing and saying how I don’t do it and how I wanted to protect them (Mental Health in the Middle of Hell Week) back in 2019.

I also wrote about how retrospectively, I saw signs that I would eventually turn into a gross skin-ripper from when I was 17 or even 13. (Lord only, could have predicted this)

But I don’t think I have mentioned why it is the way it is today. Or I may have given too much weight to alcohol, when the magic sauce was just a tool.

So here goes the nothing-ass reasons.

1.      JL. Usually when I think of my SH I try not to think of JL as a cause. Because I am kinda grateful to her in the moment? Grateful even for reminding me that it was a thing. For digging this out from the depths of my memory. But that night she showed me her scars and (my memory is fuzzy lol, what did I even expect.) said she used scissors, and dug hard or something. And something about how scissors were blunt and its hard to even make a scratch, so she must’ve really wanted to injure herself if it led to a lasting scar. Something about the pretty watch and how it covers them. (This sentence is an NLP nightmare if I must realise.) I might’ve asked if that’s the reason for the watch.  Something about how she was upset because of something to do with parents and being a middle kid or something. And then afterwards she texted me saying not to do what she did. But it was too late when I checked my phone at 4 in the morning.

Well that was rather hard to admit to myself that JL was a reason. And honestly? Eve might have been an influence too. About how I knew that she too did it. Perhaps because Rei said it? And also how a few weeks ago I had just finished bashing my fingers in by punching a tree, and my hand was broken, or at the very least had a severe contusion. Some thoughts about how the blade was her punishment, and mine was wood. Something about how everyone seems to be doing it, then it must be good, right? The blade, I mean. Not punching trees.

2.      My parents. If they didn’t insist on me having to go home that that day this entire mess would have been avoided. Heck, perhaps I could have preserved enough sanity such that I wouldn’t go around telling Tingz random bullshit lies while drunk and end up losing Spy. But anyways the fallout is what it is, what’s done is done. I do believe that they are the main reason I begun SH-ing. Oh look! Isn’t Sashimi SOOO QUICK to blame her parents? What an ungrateful fuck! Anyways, had I been allowed to stay with them that night, I wouldn’t bawl my eyes out in front of everyone, and end up being driven home just to yeet the fuck out of my arms in the dark after bathing before going to sleep. And till today that scene keeps replaying in my mind. What could I have done differently? If I had a blade then, could I have yote while they were shouting at me through the phone. And use my blood as leverage. Something like “Yeah, you are saying, look what you did to me,” *slash* What could I have done differently? And the visuals are fucking vivid lol.

And I looked at messages of them discussing that night with family. And it makes me livid. Confused. And I yote more. Something about how I must’ve been influenced by my friends to refuse to go home. If anything, the only influence that I received was learning how to yeet. (Well I am a professional, I don’t use scissors. I have graduated to blister packs now.) Learning that honesty kills the cat, since I was the only honest one and I ended up being fucked all over. Feeling that my honesty is unappreciated lulz. I mean, if I didn’t get some fucking passive aggressive text from them that night I would still be able to go swimming today lol. Now my legs are ruined.

But there is one last reason I might have to give.

3.      My fucked up mental health. Society. A world that’s so cold and so full of shit. All the times I yote because fools feel it is ok to support bad politicians that would kill your child without a second thought just because they are gay. Because some people feel it is ok to mock other’s while they try their best at their second language. Because institutions feel it is ok to inconvenience students just to cover their ass. Because parents really know nothing about their kids and feel it is ok to neglect their kids’ feelings. Everyone who sees nothing wrong with our current world. That’s too much, man! Guys who think its ok to fish two girls at once. Assholes who think it is ok to bully people and be a total manipulative psychopath. Society that supports their actions. A soul-sucking world. I need SSRIs. Barring that, perhaps I should really look into sourcing crystal m or ket.

So perhaps everyone is responsible for making me not-a-smoothskin anymore. Most of all me, who doesn’t want to quit. I don’t know. I am scared. I don’t feel like doing anything. Help. I can’t go swimming. I have to hide my arms around my grandparents. I am pathetic.