Dialogue with my brain #1

 6/2/21

 

Perhaps I will just write this here instead of posting it on Instagram. My followers are tired of my moping.

Context: I was watching a livestream of a sports match where a friend was playing.

 

My life is as interesting as watching paint dry. Perhaps it is as good as watching grass grow. But I read somewhere that certain types of grass grow insanely fast. So that would not be a suitable comparison.

Do I wish I were her? Do I want to be playing <redacted>?

I don’t even know how to play <redacted>. I am unfit and weak, and I have zero stamina.

Do I wish I had learnt to play sports when I was younger? Perhaps I should have joined a CCA where I get to play in a team.

What do I want? What do you want? What the fuck do you want?

Now I just want to lie in bed.

I like an insanely talented girl. Come to think about it, all my friends are insanely talented. I mean, I don’t even have that many friends. But the ones I have. They far eclipse me in terms of how outgoing they are, how smart they are, how talented they are, etc. They are everything I do not have. They are everything I wish I were.

I want a girlfriend who is talented. I want a girlfriend I can admire. But. The problem with that is that I am a fucking crab. I can’t stand others being better than me. I will be jealous of them and I will wish ill of them. How then can I fucking be in a relationship with them?

Come to think about it, how the fuck do I even meet girls lol. What’s the use of being bisexual if I am hated by both guys and girls alike?

I mean, she’s clearly depressed…isn’t she? But she is still able to do sports. Meanwhile I cancel on meetings with friends and do not even reply to emails. How can I be like her?

She is around woke people all the time. I can’t stand how she writes in CAPS. I hate how special she makes it sound. Yeah. I know its special. Fuck. Do I actually want to be her?

FUCK. I want my fucking SSRIs. I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop being driven to tears every other hour.

You know, I think even if I were to meet with a psychiatrist, they would think that I were faking it. I don’t know. Everyone hates me.

I am so ugly. I look bad in everything. Hans tells me that I could consider dying my hair because he saw someone with dyed hair, and they look good. You know what? Because they can pull it off. Meanwhile I am an ugly fuck. I will look bad even in the nicest maroon dye.

I wish I were her.

Ok maybe I don’t wish I were her.

But I wish I were her?

Why am I such a pathetic loser? Why am I unable to be around people of a higher caliber than me?

Just what do I want?

What do I want to make my niche?

Its too late to learn anything.

Just what the fuck do you want.

Seriously. You can’t even look at a fucking <redacted> match without feeling jealous. Wishing that you were playing. Wishing that you joined. Wishing for the team spirit and the companionship.

Oh, about the woke group of people that she lives with. Woke people. They care that you are sad. Depressed. Ok. My fingers froze up. They know that mental health is a thing. And they are supportive because they know.

And that is one of the reasons that makes me jealous. The fact that I don’t have such a support system. My “friends” forget my existence and ignore me.

Damn it.

I wish my life were more fun. But perhaps. Whatever my life was. My brain is too fucked up to ever enjoy it.

So I guess to sum it all up in case I sound like I fucking stuttered.

I am ugly.

Everyone hates me.

I am untalented.

My life is boring.

I am fucking depressed.

 

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