DID System or Bogus

 23/10/20

Dissociative Identity Disorder. Its not my place to say anything about it. But there are people out there claiming to be a DID system or, 5, 6, 7, however many there are. Calling each other Host. Referring to themselves as We. And yet when push comes to shove thy use “I” instead of “We”.

I must admit that there is some merit in embracing it as DID, and acknowledging that sometimes, you are not yourself. You cannot control the things you do, and you cannot remember what you did. However, how much of this is just trying to be a special snowflake?

Personally, I as a host will not want to have so many people inhibiting my body. I would not go as far as to allow them to give themselves names. Its “Me”, and “Not Me”. A dichotomy. There is sane / sober / rational me. And then there’s crazy fuck me who is out of control and wants to destroy its host, me. It is a nameless ghost.

Perhaps that is trivializing it. Only in the sense that we are bringing spirituality into this discussion. Which is a whole ‘nother load of bs. It is the crazy side of me. The me that is not me. The broken husk of what is left of me. It does not deserve a name. it does not deserve to inhibit me.

And if I were host, I want them gone. Me and drunk / high / stoned me. I will have times when I am out of character. But those other characters that I become, those are not personalities on their own right. They are not personalities. They are just…broken pieces of shit.

And if I were to be well, they will cease to be. Only perhaps awakened by the occasional intoxicating substance.

And this is reminding me of how much I want a drink. Its been, what, 76 days?

I do not think I can last any longer. In the ideal case, I can make it till the end of this semester. I ever read that not drinking for a month will really decrease your tolerance. Not that I had any to begin with. But if I were to so much as drink a bottle of soju at my current tolerance. GGWP me.

But I am looking forward to drinking again, though. Because it will hit so much harder now that I have got 2.5 months of sobriety on my belt. What can I do to stave off the urge to drink? I do not know, maybe cut myself? Ha-ha. My 5-day streak for that is worthless, in comparison to my no-drinking streak. I guess I just got to see which is the lesser of two evils.

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