disillusioningillusion

30/06/20 (am) I started doing yoga recently. Of course, it will be great if I can do it every day, but I am human, and commitment is difficult. So, I’m only doing it whenever I happen to wake up in the morning on the right side of the bed. Or at night when I don’t feel like sleeping. I’ve been using the Down Dog app. Which is a paid app with 3 free sessions before they start forcing you to pay. But I’ve been creating new Gmail accounts after each one runs out of uses. And I think its pretty good. Apart from the fact that with different accounts I can’t track my practices. But I’m certainly not gonna buy it…its too expensive. Has it helped with flexibility? I don’t know. I am naturally flexible, and I’ve been trying to stretch every night anyway. Strength? I can’t tell either. But the main benefit that I have realized is the calm. The stillness. During Savasana at the end. Where you just lie down and try to relax everything. There is a wave of calm that washes over me. Like the wo

17/06/20 (again, in the AM lol) Following up on yesterday’s ramblings. I may want to start trying to track my food and trying to do actual intermittent fasting with the 16/8 or 18/6 schedule again. Probably I won’t try to make vegetarianism the focus this time. Because the failure will just overwhelm me, lol. Currently I am already kind of intermittent fasting? Because I don’t usually eat breakfast. But the problem is that I am eating supper at like 3am lol. That has got to go. Perhaps I’ll try to limit my eating window to be from 12pm to 8pm, or 1pm to 7pm if it is possible. With some exceptions for coffee and tea in the morning. But I am not sure if I want to make sure that the coffee is 0 calorie by using pure coffee. I mean, if I want to circumvent that I can just drink after the eating window starts so that I can add milk and sugar. Also, an exception for fruits and some dessert at night. But certainly not other snacks or supper meals. Hopefully this will help me to lose t

16/06/20 (in the am again) I was packing my stuffs earlier this night. And I happened to chance upon my 2018 bujo / bullet journal. Which wasn’t really a “bullet” journal as much as it was a brain dump and a tracker of many things of sorts. There was a period of time in that journal, where I tracked my food and eating habits every day. Towards the middle of 2018, I somehow got the idea of becoming vegetarian / trying to be vegetarian. And the first thing I decided to do was to track it down. Because, the guilt of having to write down how much animal products I’m eating may just make me more conscious of my everyday choices and choose vegetarian options. From there, I moved on from just tracking my daily meals, to also tracking the snacks, beverages, and fruits that I’m eating. A more health focused thing. And for a while I believe I even began to track my poop habits and the amount of water I am drinking. Is it bad to focus so much on what I eat? Different camps have different opin

15/06/20 Everything I do is foolish. And I am useless. Ok, so now the hackathon is over, after 48 hours. 48 hours of me not doing anything and being a useless burden. And, having piqued my friends’ expectations by getting good grades in my exams but being a complete fool when it comes to real world programming. Heck, even a fucking dude in NS who hasn’t taken any formal lessons is able to code better than me. FML. And now it is time for the next project. CP2106. I’m supposed to be working on it now. instead, the fear of not knowing what to do, has caused such intense analysis paralysis that I chose to commit verbal diarrhea over here instead. At the start of last month, May 2020, having just finished my second semester in NUS CS splendidly (I mean, in terms of the grades I thought I would be getting, at least for CS2040), I was hopeful for the next three months. I expected that I would be able to make good use of it and complete a lot of projects. The first objective was orbital. B

13/06/20 (Cos apparently even though I have become too shite at writing, but not over social sciences yet.) Theory of Mind: the idea of being able to identify your own desires and understand that other people may have different goals and desires than yourself. It is said that people who have autism spectrum disorder will often have a deficit in this, being unable to read the emotions of other people. 27 different emotions: I learnt today that there are actually 27 different distinct emotions, which is more than the 6 emotions that people used to think existed. I am quite surprised at this large number. I thought it was something more like 5 basic emotions, considering that one black mirror episode where they talked about how cookie’s rights and how they were required to be able to express at least 5 different emotions in order to be ethical. Black Museum, I think. Instead there are 27 different emotions. Here is the list of emotions: admiration, adoration, aesthetic appreciation,

09/06/20 Before the main thing, some thought experiment with no conclusion. Imagine waking up one morning, you are in prison. And its not just any ordinary day, but the day of your execution. It is sometime in the early 1900s, method of passing: the guillotine. You are brought to the guillotine. It is not on some pedestal, but instead it is just on the ground, on the same level as everyone else. Everyone standing around and watching, filled with disgust and yet some animalistic excitement to see a person’s head being chopped off. Everyone jeering and shouting curses at you. The executioner shouts an order, and the knife falls. But for some reason it fails. The knife doesn’t fall as intended. So, your head is still attached to your body. How should that feel? Such dread of dying, and then the guillotine doesn’t work. They have to start over again. Reattach the blade to the top, with the rope, tie the rope…you see everything. And its ready again. Its time to cut the head off, again. Th