Would I do anything differently if I were 12 again, with all my current knowledge and life experience?

31/05/20

(01/21/20)

I find myself regretting a lot of things recently. Thinking, what could I have done differently at this time? Or that time? How will my life be different now? I see my peers of the same age enjoying themselves. Meanwhile I am a depressed bag of sadness. Paranoid and obsessive over my results, having severe social anxiety, my friends either hate me or my friendship group is in pieces.

Hence herein lies a thought experiment of what I want to do with my life if I were to be 12 again. Of course, my severe anxiety and possible Asperger’s means that even if I were to be a 20-year-old in a 12-year old’s body, I may still screw up majorly.

For all intents and purposes, I go back to the day of my 12^th birthday. This would mean I have already by passed my DSA interview to the school that I will spend the next 6 years of my life in. I am pretty sure with my current confidence I would be able to cope with the interview. But that was a major hurdle that I did not expect to overcome, and it really determines a large part of my life, hence I would rather not change that.

The day of my 12^th birthday is the day of my Math PSLE exams. That is fine, because my current math skills are surely sufficient. Furthermore, having successfully DSA-ed into my school of choice means that PSLE is no longer consequential. In fact, I think I would be able to do even better with my current skills. There’s also Science and possibly one or two Chinese exams left. I can’t help 12-year-old me with Chinese, but Science would be a breeze.

Calculating, my younger brother was conceived sometime in October that year. Yes, we do have a 13-year age gap. And though I love him, I think everyone’s life will be much less complicated if us siblings had a total age range of 6 years. Hence, I think I will want to sit down with my parents, ask them about the birds and the bees. Because it is strange for a 12-year-old to be curious about sex? I might receive a massive telling to from my father for the time in Primary 5 where I vandalized the school with “dirty” stuff. (I know my brother was planned because I found a blue pill with only one tab consumed from around that time, but that’s beside the point.) Still, this will be an important topic and I will try to talk about the possibility of having another younger sibling and try to get them to be mentally prepared for what they are getting themselves into. And when my brother is born, I will try to be more loving.

There was a boy in school whom I quite liked, around that time. And we got on talking terms. I think I would try not to kick him in the shin, so that he wouldn’t be afraid of me and stop talking to me. I think it was around that time. If it is too late and I have already made the huge mistakes, so be it. This guy’s academics were…kinda far of, so I know that we couldn’t possibly go to the same school. But if we ended up in contact after primary school, it would be nice. He is…quite hot and quite well developed.

In secondary school, a lot of things happened. The bullying was quite severe. And I was very weird. I have about…oh shit. Let’s see, about 0 people from my secondary school years with whom I can still consider my close friend. My first friend, June Scarlet, we were in the same Sec 1 class. And she is, truth be told, weirder than me. She was bullied very badly. And now she somehow cut off contact with me as she changed her phone number. I don’t know of her whereabouts at all. I don’t even know if she is alive. My second friend, Yao, we met in Sec 3. And she be two years older than me, and she is a true-blue queer whom I admire. But now she is studying overseas in the far, far lands of Ireland and we can no longer meet. Which is very sad. Another friend, Ike, who is currently studying the same course as me in the same school, but we are not very close now.

So, the main aim of my 4 years of secondary school will be to maintain these friendships, make them even stronger, and perhaps forge more friendships if possible.

My secondary 1 and 2 years were pretty iffy. I was excluded from my class to the extent of being the only person who is not in the class WhatsApp group. And yet groupmates complain about me not doing my work when I don’t even know about it? Ha-ha. People thought I was weird. But the main point was that I was also bullied by the teachers and accused of things I did not do for god knows what reason. I do not know who the snake is, it could be June Scarlet, it could be someone else.

The main aim of my two years will be to not be bullied as much. Because I know that with my personality, bullying is inevitable. The worst point was perhaps the day in Chinese lesson, where the teacher was not there, and we were assigned a piece of work. And my Chinese language skills being non-existent, I was unable to complete or even understand the worksheet. June Scarlet was sitting at the same table as me. But midway through she left me to discuss the answers with another group of friends. And I was left alone. And I was scared. And I panicked. And I took out a fruit knife which I kept in my school bag. And I held it as I cried. I just sat there in my seat, holding a knife. I did not threaten anyone. June Scarlet came back and saw me, and then told me to keep it because someone may tell the teachers. Later that day, my form teacher called me out of class and gave me a stern talking to about how a classmate reported me for threatening the other students in class with a knife. I did nothing of that sort. And so, I was bewildered. I had to admit to the teacher, then. She who told my parents. And that was the day I lied to my father about how I stole the knife from June Scarlet, together with a lot of other things that I “stole”. Because for a 13-year-old girl to buy a Swiss Army Knife (yes, I did have multiple knives in my bag.), hence I pushed the weirdness to June Scarlet and merely admitted being a thief. My father got me to “admit” to two large bags of my possessions being stolen items, including a neighbor’s cute dangling thing which I no longer remembered nor kept. Some things I really did steal, other, most, things, were frivolous purchases I bought with my own savings. But because my father was treating me like such a scum for being a thief and repeatedly telling me to “TAKE THEM OUT! SHOW ME ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE STOLEN!” That day, he cried, and I cried. Hence, I think what I would have done differently that day would be to not care so much about my Chinese grades. Then I wouldn’t have been so panicky and so crazy in class, and I wouldn’t have been reported to the teachers. But I don’t know if my father not having that day to shame me for all that I have disappointed him, will have any repercussions. Him keeping those things in may lead to our relationship becoming more estranged.

Something about me is that whenever I am accused of things that I did not do, I lose my cool and just become defeatist and do not defend myself rationally. I think that given the chance to re-do things, I would try to talk to people rationally when I was being accused.

Another incident in Secondary 2 was me climbing the windows into the classroom. Someone’s injury led to the class being shifted to the first floor from the second floor. There, it was possible to enter via the external windows, provided the glass door was unlocked. There was a green railing of about 2 meters or more outside the glass sliding door, and a small gap above which non-obese students would be able to fit through. The day of my Chinese oral exam (hmm, why does these all revolve around Chinese? Does this subject make me neurotic?) I was early for school. It was a Saturday, and I was wearing school uniform. Some people were already in the exam, and I was in the second batch. I was walking around school, not knowing what to do. Then I decided to climb into the classroom for fun. See, I do things without rhyme or reason. There were still a few hours to spare before the exam. I decided to kill time inside the classroom. And I was walking around the classroom, exhausted from the climb and anxious from the upcoming exam. Just then, I heard the door lock turning, and then, no time to hide, the discipline master walked in to the classroom. Apparently, he needed to use the classroom for some event? Or maybe he was just walking around and had a gut feel, or he heard my noisiness. Or maybe there was a report from the residents living nearby of someone climbing the window. But he caught me. He knew I climbed in. I knew that he knew that I climbed in. The window was clearly open. And still, he asked how I entered the room when the door was locked. I pointed to the window. “I climbed in,” I said. When asked why, I made up an excuse, remembering that I had a book that I left under the table which I needed to do my homework. “I forgot to bring this book home,” I said. And thus, a mark of trespassing on my record. I was brought out to a row of benches and made to sign a form and surrender my student card. I was asked why I in school on a Saturday was. To which I told the truth. The DM was weirded out that I would pull such a stunt on an important exam day. Oh wells. What I would do differently would be to not climb the window, obviously. But then I would miss out on an opportunity to know the DM, even if it was a bad encounter. What I would do would be to wait there that day, knowing he would walk pass, and ask if he could assist me in getting the book. I know that’s not really the job scope of the DM. But I believe in the inherent kindness of people and that he would help me.

Another thing I would do very differently would be to join an interactive sports CCA. Something like Basketball or Badminton. But likely badminton. It is possible to learn a new sport when you are 13, 14. Back then I didn’t know, and was afraid of joining a team who had 6 months more experience than me. (due to sec 1 CCA exposure program.) Eve, whom will be in the same class as me in JC1, plays Badminton in another school. We may get to compete together, and I may get to talk to her for a bit, and perhaps create a déjà vu kinda effect when we first meet in JC. After all, my JC class is chiefly determined by the fact that I studied History rather than Economics. And having joined Badminton in secondary school, hopefully when I was 20 or something, I can have something for stress relief and making friends, rather than thinking about alcohol 24/7. And also, hopefully I will make some friends in Secondary school badminton? Because my actual CCA yielded me no friends. Also, I think I will actually get to compete, unlike the A divisions for my actual CCA. However, one uncertain thing is my hypermobility/double-jointedness. Which means I have weak knees and ankles and shoulders. Swimming has caused me issue with my shoulders, it has subluxed at least 3 times. Also had subluxation of shoulder at least twice then playing Frisbee. And my ankle a few times. It has always been my right shoulder, and that is perhaps why my left arm is stronger than my right now. There was a period of time where I couldn’t lift my right arm because of some nerve or joint damage.  I don’t know if a high impact sport like badminton may do a number on my knees, considering Eve’s injury.

Sure, swim team was cool. Shooting team was cool. But team spirit was lacking. Hence a team sport would be better. Besides, I had already experienced Shooting in my previous “life”, why not try something else? Ha-ha.

Another choice would be to learn taekwondo, so that in JC I could defend myself against Mic the effing bully who’s “light tap on the back” caused my knees to buckle and I fell to the ground in front of everyone. Mic, who, when my leg was around a metal railing playfully touching hers, retorted back using the whole 70 or 80kgs of her weight to twist and press down on my leg while it was around the railing. And that day my ankle was feeling kinda off already. That just ruined it. It hurt so bad.

Then I would be in Sec 3, with a new class. I will try to maintain my friendship with June Scarlet. Because, this friendship died sometime in September of Sec 3 when I stop attempting to contact her because she was ignoring me for some boy. Then the next year she would rage at me for something. I wish I had placed more effort on the relationship rather than waiting till JC1, where Yao and her were in the same class and Yao encouraged me to become friends with her again. The first month of school Yao did not have many friends. I stuck to June Scarlet during lunch. Yao spent the first few weeks going to lunch with a staunch Christian who tried repeatedly to preach to her. And when Yao did not agree to go to church, the friendship soured. One day, when June Scarlet had lessons during my lunch break, and I hence had no one to eat with, I was alone with Yao in the class room. we were sitting at the table, talking about...idk, how lonely we were? She told me it was her birthday the next day. Or perhaps that very same day. Perhaps, at that time I can try to convince her that I am from the future, by telling her that I know it is her birthday and telling her that I know she is two years older than me. I mean, she may be freaked out that I know such stuff, but I can still try to convince her and try to get close to her. I don’t know how receptive she would be, but I can try. We had a major spiff in Sec 4, so I could try to prevent that by not jokingly insulting her and making her angry. I could perhaps also try to comfort her and write letters which she likes, because, in the grand scheme of thing, my shyness and embarrassment is only temporary. Maybe then we could be closer…

As for Ike, the main thing would be to not piss her off by being friends with assholes. Not like they would want me, anyway. But that’s the main point. Then I can still be on good terms with Ike in University. As for university, I think I will still be choosing the same course despite everything. But I will make the important decision to apply to a Residential College instead of banking all my hopes on Hall and getting rejected and having to travel 4 hours a day to and from school. Ugh. I am so tired and lonely.

(31/05/20)

There was this overseas trip for our history class at the end of Sec 4. Instead of being a coward, I might perhaps try talking to my parents about it. And in all likeliness, I won’t be allowed to go. But there is no harm lost in asking, right?

And I might perhaps try to piss Yao off less. Maybe by giving her a birthday present in J1. Or in Sec 4. And there was one day, near the start of JC1, where Yao needed to meet me because she was sad. But I wanted to continue hanging with Mic. And so, I went with Mic to the library to meet Yao. It was super awkward because Yao felt betrayed and stuff. That caused a big quarrel, and Yao and I didn’t talk for many months.

There is not much I would change in JC. Except, perhaps of de-facto giving up my position to JL by deciding not to run for Exco in my CCA, I might perhaps actually go through with it. Considering how unimportant it turns out to be. Really. Exco is insignificant. If I had actually gone through with the process, again, in all likeliness, people would have voted for JL instead of me, considering that I was so introverted and socially awkward. But no harm done in running, right? Just a bit of humiliation. And I’ve had enough humiliation in that CCA even if I gave up.

And I might really not give so much shit to Mic in JC. Though she makes for good conversation, because she is perhaps the only person who will talk philosophy and gore to me as casual conversation. Because she is a disgusting person and she is an asshole who will hurt everyone just for her own desires. So perhaps, devote less to this friendship, care more about the people who really matter. Heck, then maybe June Scarlet wouldn’t be non-existent right now.

The experience of failing exams in JC was pretty fun and I would keep that. Though the stakes of JC are literally sky-high. I still need to study to get my 90rp, and that is a pretty darn stressful thing. Imagine! If in this life I got 90rp, but I fail to achieve this when I live over, what a shame would that be!

Perhaps try to keep my sanity in class. The boys being assholes and their loud disruptiveness really caused a lot of anxiety. I could perhaps skip class…or perhaps just put in my earbuds and sleep. Instead of running out of class like a crazy fuck. Three times. In a day. Lol. That was…such a Gab thing to do.

And I might try to learn some coding in JC. There are a lot of things that I can do in those 2 years.

 

Then it comes to Uni. What would I do differently? For starters, applying for RC. That is pretty important. Because I feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities by not getting into Hall or RC.

And Spy is important. That one fateful day. I should’ve really tried not to destroy this budding garden of possibilities. And I wouldn’t have pissed Mic off. Though she is a bitch.

But screw this. If I hadn’t been close to Mic in JC, there is a high chance that I might not even get to know Spy. and this thought scares me. Y’know, I really desire him right now. As a friend…as more than a friend…and to think that I might not get to know him, scares me.

The drinking sessions at and before the start of my first semester. I should really try to control myself if I were to experience that again. Really, puking ain’t fun. And through those three days of drinking and puking in that fateful week, it became such a norm, to drink and puke, that it scares me. And really, to preserve some inch of my face. Because every time I need someone to help my drunk arse, I dig a deeper hole for myself.

Some things happen before uni. I could’ve NOT applied for the PSC Scholarship? Or I could’ve stuck to my guns, insist to those interviewers that inspiration is NOT THE SAME as coercion. Because being humiliated in front of a panel, being humiliated by I/O psychologists, sucks balls. Hell, goddamn it, I felt raped that day. My emotions were raped. And then I would go to Queenstown Regional Library to read War and Peace after that 3-hour long torture interview…c’est la vie.

I could’ve been more focused with my investments and stuff. And LEARN CODING! That was such an opportunity to get ahead which I missed. Eva’s ex-lover is currently in NS and learning coding rather successfully. I am certain that I am not so much of a dumb fuck, that given more time, like 6 months of hard work, if I actually sat down to do it, I could’ve learnt coding.

And really, I shouldn’t have reacted to my father’s rant about how I should study medicine instead. I shouldn’t have cared a word about what he said. My father told me, some 2 or 3 days before university applications were due, that “only people who do badly in school study engineering / tech”. And that is such bullshit and blatant gaslighting. I could’ve decided on my own instead of crying.

But who knows? Perhaps I might actually want to become a doctor, if I relived this life over. Wouldn’t dad be SO FUCKING GLAD. Lol.

 

So, I realized that if I got to live my life over again, there are many things I would do differently. Not so much because I get a different outcome, but rather, because it can save my sanity. It can make me happy, because nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. I can bring a bottle of brandy to school or sip on wine all day for all that matters, because life works in mysterious ways.