For Fucks Sake, my code doesn’t work. Should I get a diagnosis?

17/05/20

What does a diagnosis entail in this day and age?

Maybe let me just write down the list of things that are bothering me. You see, I was writing something completely different and I just got so distracted I lost my train of thought.

1.      June Scarlet I haven’t heard from her since last May or April. I am very sad and very scared. I want to know what happened to her. Why is she not in NUS. Is she even alive. Why did her WhatsApp contact disappear. Why did her Instagram account disappear. Someone, Spy, suggested that she may be avoiding me, hence has created a new identity in order to hide from me. This makes me very sad. I want to ask someone where she is. But to no avail.

2.      Mic is a bij. An absolute ass wipe. She already had beef with Rei. But somehow, they managed to patch up. Because Rei is honestly an angel. (Though the paranoia in me may be starting to think bad of her. Point 3.) I don’t understand how Rei was able to forgive Mic but that shall remain a mystery. I guess Mic’s strategy of complete gaslighting and constantly bothering Rei worked wonders.

You’ve been fooled.

A summary of a strategy,

Used to get people to forgive you.

Keep bothering them.

Ask them questions.

Ask them out.

Ask them for advice.

And when they’ve helped

You a million times

They think that they actually

Like…? You?

But this only work on…

ISFJ Defender Type 9s.

So nice, so,

Goddamn fucking kind.

Not psychopaths tho.

Those brains have a different wavelength.

An absence of conscience.

3.      Some people are really very nice to me. But to what extent can I trust them? Rei. The one who always cancels group outings, despite being enthusiastic at the start. And who needs to sleep. Or not go to school. Or who wants to go home early. To what extend can I believe that those actions do not have any harm intended? Spy. Takes a million years to reply a message sometimes, yet says beautiful words. Smart and well connected, which also implies to a certain extent an ability to be cunning. To what extend can I believe that he does not want something from me, which I did not intend to give? Like certain information which is private.

4.      My code doesn’t work which makes me want to kms. I don’t know why, but my brain is running very slowly, and I cannot figure out what the question is asking me to do. I cannot know what I am supposed to write. I don’t know what button to press. Using an IDE, using terminal, using a compiler…what are these? I do not know. I am merely faking my way through, being trigger happy and excited when the code works, much to my surprise.

5.      Depression, low key alcoholism, and very much a lack of motivation. I keep joking about how I am dying and talking about ways to die, but it is a coping mechanism such that I do not actually go ahead with them. But recently I am finding that my reflexes and my thinking has been a little bit slow. Which is a very bad thing, considering I am also depressed. The kind of things I do include freezing there when I am supposed to be saying something, standing in the bus and not getting down when it is my stop and I know that I should be moving. Problematic…

And thus, I wonder if I require professional help to fix the mess that is happening in my brain. To maybe get some pills so that I don’t just feel like a lazy fuck all the time and I can actually get shit done. So that maybe I can contribute a little bit to groupwork instead of being a useless prick that everyone hates. Because they do hate me. They’re getting tired of my tiredness bullshit. I can’t just say that I spent the whole day watching Netflix and playing games and have them laugh it off and encourage me to take a break, because I am dragging the team down.

For fucks sake, it’s a fucking pair work project. There are literally two people in the team. And yet I can still manage to feel like such a fuck up and a useless ass bitch. How fucking useless does that make me?

And now I have potentially 5 projects going on concurrently. And every fucking day we are having project meetings.

And Rei is too damn productive it is stressing me out. And Eve is learning stuff every day. And everyone else seems too to have a plan. And (new name alert) Cher is being mental health goals by solidifying her relationship with God and actually enjoying it and being thankful for everything and actually having fun cooking. And I’m sure everyone’s having Boba and sushi everyday what am I. and Hans makes everything seem like easy-peasy. And June Scarlet is I don’t know where the fuck she is but if she is still alive, she is probably enjoying life in some Ivy League college because I have always had suspicions that her family situation is something similar to a certain Jasmine (REAL NAME ALERT) that I knew in primary school with her parents not working not because they cant find employment but because they have secret assets and don’t need to work. And Yao is in Medical School all the way across the world and having so many friends and having fun at parties every weekend (of course not now with the Corona in Europe) and I’m not even being mean, but I never expected that they would’ve made it that far. And Spy says that he’s binge watching kdramas but I think he’s just saying that to make me feel like less of a lazy useless fuck and he’s actually doing legit work every day, and even if he weren’t, he’s too smart and he can probably do everything he needs to do in one night whereas I need to take a month to solve the same problem.

The only possible redemption for me is perhaps me actually possibly losing weight in Freshman year. But Eve has just got to remind me that this is due to losing muscles instead of losing fat and currently even this weight loss is being taken away from me what with my having supper and binge eating.

I haven contemplated seeing a psychiatrist / psychologist for quite some time already. It might be helpful. I don’t know. Probably high functioning depression. But recently it is becoming less high functioning. And also, a bit of destructive tendencies when I get angry or sad. Which reeks of bipolar too. Not too excited for that. And the thing is that getting these diagnoses might cause me to have a record and impact my future employment.

Im pretty sure if I saw a psychologist and I were honest with them, I would certainly get a diagnosis and maybe some pills. And I don’t know, I might have to go for regular sessions. Which isn’t gonna be cheap. And I certainly cant affort those. Which is another reason I shouldn’t see a psychiatrist because then I would need my parents to fund that.

But apparently the clinic in my school has such services. Which are probably covered paritally by insurance. So it might be better.

Some reasons that I will likely require treatment are (mainly one-off things but also some regular tendencies):

1.      That time when I punched the wall and the trees outside the class building because I realized that they were cordoning off one of the exits for Corona tracking. I punched so hard that my hand became numb and it was red for a few days and hurt for a few weeks. I’m pretty sure I broke something back then.

2.      The knives. Depending on how I put this I might either go to jail or IMH. My obsession with throwing knives. Or me using knives to cut myself. And taking pictures of the scars. Though that seems to be a common trend among self-harmers.

3.      That time when I was able to drink until I fucking puked while at home and alone and at 3-6 am. Because no sane person will drink such huge amounts alone. To the point of puking.

4.      Have I mentioned the almost constant sense of helplessness and sadness and feeling empty and lost. Because apparently it is not fine to feel that way all the time. And to be unable to become happy.

5.      Entrapping myself by lying. Pathological lying that only gets worse when I’m drunk. And exaggerating everything. In a futile attempt to get attention.

6.      Binge watching on Netflix and binge eating while watching mukbang because apparently that is healthier than drinking alcohol and puking or chopping my skin to bits.

7.      The feeling of alienation in my family where everyone seems so much close to each other than to me, and me honestly being too done with everything to be willing to do something, anything, to fix this fucked up relationship.

8.      Oh and possible hereditary gayness. I’m quite certain that finding out certain things has had some kind of impact on my psyche.

9.      Possible autism because of all the social anxiety I feel whenever I’m in school or out the house and also at home whenever someone is talking a little bit too loud.

I think some of those alone are sufficient reasons to cause me to have to get pills. But I don’t know.

I don’t want to have to talk to a counsellor just to have them tell me that I should talk to a friend or talk to my family because honestly what the fuck. I don’t want someone to tell me to put myself out there and talk to people and make friends. Because I know that. I don’t want to do that. Because it fucking makes me uncomfortable.