disillusioningillusion

31/05/20 (01/21/20) I find myself regretting a lot of things recently. Thinking, what could I have done differently at this time? Or that time? How will my life be different now? I see my peers of the same age enjoying themselves. Meanwhile I am a depressed bag of sadness. Paranoid and obsessive over my results, having severe social anxiety, my friends either hate me or my friendship group is in pieces. Hence herein lies a thought experiment of what I want to do with my life if I were to be 12 again. Of course, my severe anxiety and possible Asperger’s means that even if I were to be a 20-year-old in a 12-year old’s body, I may still screw up majorly. For all intents and purposes, I go back to the day of my 12 th birthday. This would mean I have already by passed my DSA interview to the school that I will spend the next 6 years of my life in. I am pretty sure with my current confidence I would be able to cope with the interview. But that was a major hurdle that I did not expect

31/05/20 Its been more than a year since I read war and peace. And now here another long-ass Russian novel which is actually only 1 third the length of W&P. And I realized that I never actually got round to finishing my review on W&P and posting it. Somehow because I had certain things to say about Pierre which I was unable to put   into words and ended up having to put it off, and putting it off has led to it not being completed a year later, even though I did end up finishing that book. And wow, but since then, I don’t think I’ve read any other book? Recently I’ve started reading The Brother’s Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Why? How? When? I decided to read this book sometime this month (or I should need to specify that it is May 2020, because there is a high chance I will end up putting this off again and forgetting what month I am referring to).   In the middle, or rather, rear end of the lockdown, where I had no access to any library to borrow the hardcopy book. But

29/05/20 I don’t know if I have mentioned it before. Boring life me probably has so little to talk about and thus keeps repeating the same few uninteresting details of my life trying to pass them off as interesting, so probably yeah. That I have been scrolling dating apps even though I don’t swipe anyone or reply to chats. And there’s a phenomenon of 20-something young gay men who seem to enjoy being bottoms, and their whole sex life is based around being a bottom to older men, old enough to be their dad. And they will call these men “Daddy”, and offer to suck these older men’s dicks, calling the act affectionate terms such as “giving milk”. Even during the current lockdown, these horny young dudes and middle aged men are prowling the pages of dating apps to find a match, meet them, and screw them or give oral. They send cryptic messages and meet late at night. These men usually live with their family. The younger men live with their parents and siblings, whereas the older me

25/05/20 2.35am I am not a person who is certain about many things. But there are two things I am quite certain about. 1.       I have pretty much completely lost it. As can be seen from this title and the sheer pointlessness and ridiculousness of it all. 2.       This title is an exaggeration because there are actually only 2 things that make up my journey / relationship with Electronic Dance Music. It is currently 2am. I have a meeting later today at 1.30pm. and that is going to be a problem, considering that the last time I had a meeting at 2pm, I woke up just 20 minutes before it started and had to rush a lunch and coffee. Ahh so, back to EDM. I will say that I first got acquainted with it in mid to late 2015. Where there was some stupid 5-minute sharing thing which our teacher made everyone take turns doing each week. And some kid gave a sharing about how much she loved EDM and all the different styles that existed. Amelia, again from Einsamkeit . (The 5-minu

17/05/20 What does a diagnosis entail in this day and age? Maybe let me just write down the list of things that are bothering me. You see, I was writing something completely different and I just got so distracted I lost my train of thought. 1.       June Scarlet I haven’t heard from her since last May or April. I am very sad and very scared. I want to know what happened to her. Why is she not in NUS. Is she even alive. Why did her WhatsApp contact disappear. Why did her Instagram account disappear. Someone, Spy, suggested that she may be avoiding me, hence has created a new identity in order to hide from me. This makes me very sad. I want to ask someone where she is. But to no avail. 2.       Mic is a bij. An absolute ass wipe. She already had beef with Rei. But somehow, they managed to patch up. Because Rei is honestly an angel. (Though the paranoia in me may be starting to think bad of her. Point 3.) I don’t understand how Rei was able to forgive Mic but that shall remain

16/05/20 am The why ~Saturday 22/02/2020~ I think I will stop drinking. At all. Completely nothing. I will try to get my hands on some kombucha because that is gonna be the most that I allow myself to drink. I don’t know, lets see if this can last. I hope to do at least a month or two. Or maybe for the rest of the semester. Oh my god that is sounding like a such a long time now. Yikes. A few months back I wrote a short thing about my experiences with drinking. And now I think I may have finally really fucked my life up. I may be having a severe Tension Headache right now (a la Mic) because my neck and back hurts too. (Edit: also woke up with bruises all over my knee and wrist which I don’t know where from.) And I have drank at least 4 liters of water today but I think I may still be dehydrated. Might be a good idea to get some ORS tablets ha-ha. Yesterday I puked twice. The reason that I may say that I have fucked up my life is because, to put it in colloquial terms, its damn