Two’s a Charm. Or a Nightmare. Guilt.

12/06/19

So, when you have two eerily similar dreams in two consecutive days you have better believe that your subconscious is trying to tell you something. Or maybe it is the above average consumption of alcohol these few days. Or the abnormally high amount of milk I have been drinking these few weeks. Or the large serving of caffeine a few days prior. And likely the interaction of these three neuroactive substances. And also having to wear a mouthguard to sleep so I don’t chew my teeth out any more than they already are chewed out. And when you have a bunch of behavioural and dietary shocks nightmares tend to occur.

Monday morning of 10^th June 2019 I woke up feeling so desperate that I was gonna be late. In fact, I was already late. I had awoken from a very realistic dream. I had two school related events to attend. And truth be told, I do not feel like attending those events. One was a Prom/Graduation Night and the other was an Awards Ceremony. Both events were in the evening. And the Awards Ceremony was immediately before, or overlapping Prom. and the first event was about to begin. Yet I was still lounging on my sofa at home and I haven’t even changed my clothes. And I panicked because I was sure to be late. But I didn’t even feel like attending it, so that’s that. I wrote a letter to the teacher-in-charge about why I was not gonna be there, and I think I was gonna place it in the letter slot when next the chance arose. And then I ran and panicked and started panicking about what to wear to prom.

The next day, a Tuesday, or today, I awoke to a similar dream about lateness and panicking. This time I was really late and the repercussions were EXPENSIVE. It was a driving test. Which irl is gonna happen in a few weeks and a source of real-life panic. So, it costs over three hundred dollars. And there was a warm up before, which was necessary to attend. And I was procrastinating going out of the house and by the time I reached the warm up time was already over and it was exactly a few minutes after the test supposed to have started. And I couldn’t take the test because well I was late. And I was whining about how please let me take the test urghh. And I was so sad I just asked for a compromise, could I have a ride on the testing car. Ugh.

And does veganism have something to do with this? Maybe. It is late. I am supposed to be vegan. In substance I am not vegan. But in ideology I am. I am the embodiment of guilt. I want to stop destroying the earth, the animals. But between anxiety and depression I go between “I can’t eat anything tomorrow because I’ve eaten so much today” and “I’m so fucking hungry and bored I will eat anything I see”, which so often happens to be made of animal products in my house. And many times, I crave insanely fried and salty food. Something like salted potato crisps. Potato wedges. A mushroom tempura. But in my house, it so often is something like chicken nuggets or breaded fish filet that satisfies this taste and texture craving. But it is late. I need to be vegan. For myself and for all human and non-human animals around me. And I think the guilt at lacking the willpower to go completely vegan is messing with my brain and worsening the depression because I can’t meet my expectations of morality. Even though I know that this morality of mine is completely subjective, but that’s beside the point.

And also, my food cravings may be a symptom of some deficiencies. I once saw a chart taking about how certain cravings are symptom of certain mineral and vitamin deficiencies. But I can’t find that website now. At this point I am perhaps just being hypochondriac. And also, I got my haemoglobin levels measured just a few days ago, perhaps on Saturday at a blood donation drive and it was kinda low at 12.4. and I had not had much water since waking up too, so such low levels are actually even lower. I’m just worrying now.