Prophetic Determinism – Driving (Part 4)

28/06/19

I don’t know how to phrase this, I seem to lack the vocabulary, but what I want to say is that there are certain things that have already been decided. An outcome of an event that has already been decided even before that event occurs. The decision behind this event lies in statistics. Or simply human nature. Like, it is statistically likely to happen, even though it is still up to probability. And also, that the person who is in power to decide, has already made the decision independently before the event, so it is like the event never happened at all. And yet, if I count on this probability and let my guard down, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy of failures.

In this driving school owned by the SGX listed (literally the only thing that is possibly unique that I know about this company because I fucking stalk their stocks, so I say this to not say the name though it is obvious) taxi company, the driving test passing rate is some 50++%. Which means that out of every two students who take the test, more than one will pass. And yes, I do refer to one human and some spare body parts passing the test. A common fallacy is that half will pass on the first try while the other half will pass on the second try. This is false because failing once makes a person more likely to require even more tries thus not passing on the second try.

And as a (soon to be) university student who entered university with a perfect rank point score and 8 distinctions in the A levels I kind of hold myself in quite high regard when it comes to learning things and taking tests. Even though I do have pretty darn serious hypermobility and very bad coordination and balancing skills which I would say all points towards Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (there is another piece to the pie which is irrelevant here, but may make me unqualified to drive a car, so…it is something along the lines of postural orthostatic tachycardia or orthostatic hypotension and its quite serious, I’d say, since I’m usually blind for a few seconds after standing up, and this sort of almost fainting is supposed to be a declared condition when applying for a driving license so…). Though I am hesitant to self-diagnose this because it is a genetic disorder. The hypermobility actually made my ankles completely sore and painful after the first few lessons because of holding it in the same position to press the pedals, before I learnt to rest my feet. So that’s severe. But still I consider myself to be above average and I would expect to be able to pass in the first try.

I mean, not to be elitist and racist, but so many learners at the driving school are abnns. But to discredit my point in the previous paragraph, of the Singaporeans who are learning to drive, the prohibitively high cost of owning a car and even getting the license, means that everyone taking the test has at least 1000 to 3000 dollars of spare cash lying around that they can afford to blow on a driving license. And that they are also from fairly well to do backgrounds to be able to afford a car in Singapore. Hence, I would propose that most other people taking the driving test are quite well educated, so I do not, in fact, have an intellectual advantage. That is sad. Mourn me please.

So, I don’t know what I am writing anymore. It’s supposed to be a rant on my driving test, but it ended up into a long exposition on my physical conditions and flexing my A level results, so I don’t even know anymore.

Anyway, it was a fucking miracle that I passed my driving test today. I passed with 18 points on the dot. My tester was a middle-aged guy who looks very young initially, but when he wore his sunglasses, he instantly aged some half a century. I am not fucking kidding. Only his Chinese name is written on my result slip, and I am not at liberty to reveal. But on his name tag it’s a typical English name. I’ll just say that his name reminds me of the Dalek, from Doctor Who. And in fact, the traffic police testers, aren’t they like some kind of alternate species plotting our failures?

The Dalek is pretty evil. He starts off with a long monologue about the math behind failures, that each failure to check blindspot is worth 4 points, and all you have to do is go around 5 bends without checking and it’s a grand total of 20 points. Wow! I remember the earliest and latest time I saw on the car clock is 2.42 and 3.12. but I’m quite sure I was in contact with the tester for longer than that time period because I am not constantly looking at the clock, and you should never use a mobile device while operating a roll machine.

And I have always been convinced to believe that there will be a big camera set up hanging from the rear mirror that will be focused on all the pores on my face after what guy-with-Russian-sounding-name-who-made-me-cry said. And there was nothing. There were no 4 big cameras. And I was so surprised. The Dalek told me to move off. And I was like, now? Well, I’m done with my adjustments, I did most of it already before you came. But you’re done??? Like, where’s the monstrous looking soul capturer?

The sequence in the circuit was:

1.       Directional change at 14

2.       Cuts the queue into vertical parking at the last lot, I think.

3.       Enters s course. I actually forgot to change the mirrors after directional change, so when I actually changed the mirrors before getting out of the lot, he was like rushing me to not change the mirrors life wtf.

4.       Slope, I think 12

5.       Crank course 26

6.       Parallel parking probs 36. Again, rushed me to faster leave the lot instead of actually adjusting the mirrors

And throughout the circuit the Dalek was asking me to manoeuvre into tight spaces, which is probably not allowed because of the 0.5 metre side allowance rule. And then when I try to do it slowly so that I don’t actually crash into something he keeps telling me to “be more competent”, like wtf, I’ve never done thing before, and secondly, of course you are excellent, and thirdly, this is fucking safety urghh.

Even outside the circuit I was cautious against the cars in front rolling back or something (note, very unlikely given that most cars in Singapore are automatic, and it’s not supposed to be possible to rollback. MacArthur cries in American.) so I would leave some space between the car in front and mine, especially when moving off. And he kept rushing me. Like dude chill, the test started before the designated starting time and ended before the official ending time, so just chill your tits and let’s slow down okkkk.

And the Dalek repeatedly told be to use the signal. I was literally gonna do it once the wheel is straight. And like it wasn’t even taught to signal before lining up outside the parking lot, I always did the signal before reverse and it was fine. But apparently that’s too late. And also, since when were there two back blind spots. The back-right region is technically already visible in the side mirror so.

And he also kept shouting about how my changing of lanes was too “abrupt”, like I have checked, and he has noted that I have checked the blindspot, so I wants to enter the lane as soon as possible. But apparently you can only move your steering wheel like 1 or 2 degrees. Uck. Perhaps that is the residual effect of having all my lessons in the snail crawl of 8.30 am.

And also, there was one stretch of road where I reached up to 50kmph which is the speed limit. So, I release the accelerator to avoid going over and he was I think telling me to go ahead? I mean, I wouldn’t dare to exceed the speed limit, so.

Ok, I guess that’s enough of what the Dalek has done. Now, on to what I did to prepare for the test and all things me.

One important decision that I made regarding the driving practical test was to wear long pants. I have usually attended lessons in shorts because I am a loser who stays at home all day long without going to work. Well I do realise now that this may be a bad choice because I have read on forums that it is better for a female like me to wear shorts or miniskirts to show some skin and kinda like bribe and unseat the tester. However, I am extremely self-conscious and I would rather not have an awareness that I am objectifying my body for certain aim. And also, I am sceptical of this bullshit. But the main reason behind me choosing to wear long pants is so that I don’t look like a “young punk who is gonna play shit with friends in the car after a night at the bar”. Why is that even in quotation marks? I totally made that up. Shortly speaking, it is just to not look like a “reckless young punk”. As if clothing has any effect at all.

Something that I think I have done shittily is to eat a relatively sizable lunch before the test. Having already eaten a large breakfast. I had a bit of heartburn before the test. And also eating spicy food was a Deathwish. I had a piece of really spicy Otah. It did quite a number on me.

Before the test I was full on panicking. As in, even my Samsung Health app can detect that I am stressed. Like I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. And the urge to use the toilet, and the stones in my throat. All the usual symptoms. And then when my name was called. I meekly stood up and walked towards the tester. And allowed hell to begin its rampage.

After the test was over, we had to watch some safety video. It was more like an action movie. Yes, there is a scare factor warning against weird games like “I press the accelerator and my friend hold the steering wheel” and drink driving. But the number of wounds and the spinning cars and vans moving out of control and kiap-ing a motorcyclist between itself and another vehicle is quite enough. Its enough to make it feel like a Fast & Furious movie. And also, anecdotes such as “I thought I was feeling okay enough to drive after drinking but once I went around a bend, I knocked out immediately and the car crashed into the road divider” and people died and stuff. Fun times. Also, who is going to pay attention to the video when we are all high as shit after passing our tests? Personally, I was so, so high. Also, the headphones connected to the video was broken. So, I was like balancing one broken headphone on my head. Fun times.

Ill never need to go back to the driving centre anymore, I think.

Also, something of note that struck my consciousness and conscience. Before going out of the house to go to the driving test, Mum told me to light an incense coil to pray for protection before the test. And like, I’m allergic to incense smoke. Maybe not that serious, but I do have an extremely sensitive nose that is often clogged, and incense could be the issue. Because her mom, my grandma, told her to tell me to pray. Well, I don’t know, I don’t claim to know anything about the world at all. For all that is true in the world, it could even be a case that my prayer is the deciding factor for me passing the test. The so-called straw in the camel’s back. And when I returned home dad told me to pray for thanks as my previous prayer yielded success. We lighted another incense.

And as I prayed, I wondered. When will my ruse be revealed? I am a disbelieving heretic. And as much as I like to be an independent individual, free from the beliefs, practices, and effects of religion, I am not yet. Because scepticism mandates that I will do something, like praying, if not doing so has even a small chance of causing my failure. Something like pascals wager. But for short term gains. Like exams and driving tests. When told to pray, I abide. Even though my mind is blank. It is an incense, merely an incense. Chinese are indeed mercenaries.

I keep wondering, when will I have the courage to stop picking up an incense? Is it when there are no more exams? I had decided back in 2018 that once my final A level exam was over, I will stop using incense. And then after I got back my perfect result slip in February 2019, I was told to pray once again, for thanks for my good results, because, “you need to be grateful. Doesn’t mean exam over you stop praying. In the future if you still want to pray, you need to keep a good record with the gods of you being grateful for your success.” Then again, this mentality is toxic because it kinda minutely implies that you only had the success because the gods were helping, rather than it being your own hard work and effort.

And the cycle repeats. I will have so many more exams to come. And each time, I will be told to pray for it to go smoothly. And really, I cannot afford to have it not go smoothly, because GPA is important. And the way my parents phrase it “pray for protection/success/it to go smoothly”, its literally a threat that if I so not pray, I will fail. And then I will give in to the pressures, push aside my beliefs, my environmentalism, and pray. And then the cycle will continue. And then I will go to work, and then I will be told to pray for my interview to go smoothly, and I will be told to pray for thanks for being blessed with a job. And so, on and so forth.

When will I have the courage?