Update #1
18 Nov 2015
Song of the day: Coming Home by Dirty Money
Looking through my previous post I wouldn't exactly say that I made sense. Indeed, nothing written at 1-4 am in the morning should ever make any sense.
I have often thought of my own existence as being a small country in a warring period. Kind of like a micronation, where I am constantly surrounded by battles between the big powers and their alliances. As such a small entity, I don't affect this war at all. So, none of the alliances ever bother recruiting my help, and none would attack me as any subsequent territorial gain would be too insubstantial to bother declaring war on me at all, even by some stupid telegram. And even without annexing my territory, it would not affect any progress of the war at all because my landmass is so small, such as is the size of a park or a mall that any approaching troops can take a detour around me in the same time it takes to go through me.
As a result of this vulnerable but safe neutrality, it has come as a fact that I do not belong to any alliance. I think this is an accurate representation of my social life at school. And I have, to myself, referred to cliques in the classes as being the Triple Entente, the Central Powers and perhaps the United States; or the Axis, the Allies and the Soviet Union; or Shilla, Baekje and Goguryeo in the Korean peninsula a long time ago. As for me, I see myself as the soul of the nation so small it encompasses only one person, and sovereignty only over the very area my foot touch on the ground I stand on. As with the Soviet Union and the Allies, these boundaries of friendship between these groups are flexible, and changes as time passes. But one thing remains, it is that I am not in any alliance. Kind nations and fortresses exist, and they sometimes reach out to this hell of a micronation called me, and allow me to share an existence with them, allowing me to help with the boundaries defences, to share supplies. But contact with one troop, one fortress, is after all completely not the same as contact with the entire army or the head of state. And all the same, I am not bound to any alliance.
Simply said, this kind of existence can also be summed up in two descriptive words. Forever Alone. I would say I don't have enough social contact to be sure I have grasped the correct meaning of this phrase, but that should be it. Forever Alone. I have often heard people putting themselves down by saying that they are unimportant, I don’t say that in the few times I do have something to say. It is as if, I am too unimportant to have the right to say that I am unimportant.
Even for a micronation, the dignity of being a sovereign nation remains. And as hard as it is to realise the nature of my existence it is harder to accept it. To let this soul of mine occupy and lay waste to this body I have, using up precious carbon atoms in this tiny earth, living with the abovementioned existence for some more than half a century, and then realise that I am so unimportant I haven’t changed anything since coming to this earth. To spend decades slogging and learning and gathering information, and to never use it. To me, that is sad.
On another note, recently, I have seemed to remember that I used to enjoy reading, and that is what I am doing now. But that could also be only a result of the perceived “extra-time” I have since the school holidays have started. In less than a few weeks, reality should probably catch up to me and I should realise that I have a lot of homework to do. I hope. If not I will again spend the last few days of this holiday stressing like shit and yet accomplishing nothing, just as I always do. And as for this “productive” period of reading, I also want to try writing reflections on some if not all of the books I read. And as if I haven’t enough of writing reflections for school work, they are not reviews but reflections. Which means I write my narcissistic thoughts instead of how well the book is written.
And reading, could be scary as well. I remember the time I first read Twilight in early 2012. And instead of thinking of Team Jacob or Team Edward, all I knew was that I want to become a vampire. I need to become a vampire. Not for love or anything, just to be immortal. In my mind, I had made plans that I wanted to Forks, Washington, US while I am still young as a teen, and find a vampire to transform me. As I knew that forcing love on people, even vampires was impossible, a second choice was for to go through all the antique shops in Forks to maybe find a syringe that contained vampire venom and have a friend inject it for me. As I was also a loner then and doubted my ability to find any friend that could help me with this task, I had also envisioned locking myself in some abandoned place and injecting the venom myself. I really thought that it could be done. I strongly believed in this goal for at least a year. And now I still hope that I have a chance to fulfil this wish.
Song of the day: Coming Home by Dirty Money
Looking through my previous post I wouldn't exactly say that I made sense. Indeed, nothing written at 1-4 am in the morning should ever make any sense.
I have often thought of my own existence as being a small country in a warring period. Kind of like a micronation, where I am constantly surrounded by battles between the big powers and their alliances. As such a small entity, I don't affect this war at all. So, none of the alliances ever bother recruiting my help, and none would attack me as any subsequent territorial gain would be too insubstantial to bother declaring war on me at all, even by some stupid telegram. And even without annexing my territory, it would not affect any progress of the war at all because my landmass is so small, such as is the size of a park or a mall that any approaching troops can take a detour around me in the same time it takes to go through me.
As a result of this vulnerable but safe neutrality, it has come as a fact that I do not belong to any alliance. I think this is an accurate representation of my social life at school. And I have, to myself, referred to cliques in the classes as being the Triple Entente, the Central Powers and perhaps the United States; or the Axis, the Allies and the Soviet Union; or Shilla, Baekje and Goguryeo in the Korean peninsula a long time ago. As for me, I see myself as the soul of the nation so small it encompasses only one person, and sovereignty only over the very area my foot touch on the ground I stand on. As with the Soviet Union and the Allies, these boundaries of friendship between these groups are flexible, and changes as time passes. But one thing remains, it is that I am not in any alliance. Kind nations and fortresses exist, and they sometimes reach out to this hell of a micronation called me, and allow me to share an existence with them, allowing me to help with the boundaries defences, to share supplies. But contact with one troop, one fortress, is after all completely not the same as contact with the entire army or the head of state. And all the same, I am not bound to any alliance.
Simply said, this kind of existence can also be summed up in two descriptive words. Forever Alone. I would say I don't have enough social contact to be sure I have grasped the correct meaning of this phrase, but that should be it. Forever Alone. I have often heard people putting themselves down by saying that they are unimportant, I don’t say that in the few times I do have something to say. It is as if, I am too unimportant to have the right to say that I am unimportant.
Even for a micronation, the dignity of being a sovereign nation remains. And as hard as it is to realise the nature of my existence it is harder to accept it. To let this soul of mine occupy and lay waste to this body I have, using up precious carbon atoms in this tiny earth, living with the abovementioned existence for some more than half a century, and then realise that I am so unimportant I haven’t changed anything since coming to this earth. To spend decades slogging and learning and gathering information, and to never use it. To me, that is sad.
On another note, recently, I have seemed to remember that I used to enjoy reading, and that is what I am doing now. But that could also be only a result of the perceived “extra-time” I have since the school holidays have started. In less than a few weeks, reality should probably catch up to me and I should realise that I have a lot of homework to do. I hope. If not I will again spend the last few days of this holiday stressing like shit and yet accomplishing nothing, just as I always do. And as for this “productive” period of reading, I also want to try writing reflections on some if not all of the books I read. And as if I haven’t enough of writing reflections for school work, they are not reviews but reflections. Which means I write my narcissistic thoughts instead of how well the book is written.
And reading, could be scary as well. I remember the time I first read Twilight in early 2012. And instead of thinking of Team Jacob or Team Edward, all I knew was that I want to become a vampire. I need to become a vampire. Not for love or anything, just to be immortal. In my mind, I had made plans that I wanted to Forks, Washington, US while I am still young as a teen, and find a vampire to transform me. As I knew that forcing love on people, even vampires was impossible, a second choice was for to go through all the antique shops in Forks to maybe find a syringe that contained vampire venom and have a friend inject it for me. As I was also a loner then and doubted my ability to find any friend that could help me with this task, I had also envisioned locking myself in some abandoned place and injecting the venom myself. I really thought that it could be done. I strongly believed in this goal for at least a year. And now I still hope that I have a chance to fulfil this wish.
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