me in tjc (part 1)
13 Oct 2018
Temasek JC for, what, six years? And now its over. Over without getting expelled, over without adding a +1 year of retaining, over without my passing-away. I still find it strange that they would say farewell to us, congratulate us for graduating when exams haven't even started, we still have a hell of a slog to go. And its not even confirmed that we will survive.
Been the victim of hurtful comments, both deliberate and unintentional.
Gaslighting and slavery.
Like a train that has gone off-track on a mountain,
It just crashes onward, rolling and destroying itself.
Completely unconscious.
Maybe one day I'll get round to remembering, maybe even realise that it wasn't so bad.
But that presumes recovery, which is trying.
Maybe it won't require pharmaeuticals.
Perhaps I just need some good experiences.
Remake myself.
But now I just want to forget.
I'm so, so tired.
Now all I can do is:
Look down, Don't look 'em in the eye.
Look down, For I'm here until I die.
Look down, For as much as I've waited for Her, hoping that She'll be true, I gotta
Look down, For they've all forgotten me.
Or will soon.
At least that gives me a little some comfort.
With my eyes on the black screen of my phone, momentarily freed from the judgement all around.
Seriously.
Who do they even think they are? "Only God can judge me."
(I just realize that that has some spelling errors but I'm not going to change it.)
Nothing much has happened, really. Nothing significant. Just lots of sadness and my ever worsening depression. The last two years have been...hectic? Me hoping and dreaming and being let down. Never getting to represent the school in A divisions. Never getting to be an OGL. Losing a friend, losing a girlfriend.
Recent events seem more significant. But old and new events may just be as important. Its been a...wild ride for my musical tastes. Starting off 2017 being really into Metal music. And then I started listening to Emo/Punk Rock in 2018 I guess. And now its Musicals. I haven't dared to tell people and share with them by music tasted because it keeps changing? Like I'm setting them up for certain expectations on my feelings and behavior, and I fear that they can't handle my depression.
And recent recently I've decided to become vegetarian/vegan, partially because of some people around me. And realizing how fucking difficult that is when people don't support you? And realizing that when you try hard enough, even with it being really convenient, people take notice. And sometimes its just kinda awkward and judgmental and that's fine. But when they realize and they subvert it because of their own beliefs? That hurts. And people take notice and they mention it. And its like really surprising for them when I eat anything that's vegetarian because they find it weird that I don't eat meat for one meal? Like whats unnatural and surprising is that they have it at ever meal. That's kinda...excessive. And for now I'm not going to try to be completely vegetarian because living with family is kinda difficult and it sucks that sometimes there's only meat at a meal and no plants at all? Its excessive.
My requests to travel independently has been shot down. because apparently some people feel that I will get raped and die if I so much as leave Singapore for a week. My parents don't understand how "dying" and "getting killed" is same. Travelling...is a chance to heal my soul. I am dying little by little everyday. I hope that the time I actually get to travel, which is approx five years from now? That it will not be too late. That I can still enjoy whats left of my life.
I am at a loss for words. I have lost myself in the rat-race.
Maybe I'll write an Ode to Francis Tong next time? Lots of TJ graduates seem to love writing those.
Been the victim of hurtful comments, both deliberate and unintentional.
Gaslighting and slavery.
Like a train that has gone off-track on a mountain,
It just crashes onward, rolling and destroying itself.
Completely unconscious.
Maybe one day I'll get round to remembering, maybe even realise that it wasn't so bad.
But that presumes recovery, which is trying.
Maybe it won't require pharmaeuticals.
Perhaps I just need some good experiences.
Remake myself.
But now I just want to forget.
I'm so, so tired.
Now all I can do is:
Look down, Don't look 'em in the eye.
Look down, For I'm here until I die.
Look down, For as much as I've waited for Her, hoping that She'll be true, I gotta
Look down, For they've all forgotten me.
Or will soon.
At least that gives me a little some comfort.
With my eyes on the black screen of my phone, momentarily freed from the judgement all around.
Seriously.
Who do they even think they are? "Only God can judge me."
(I just realize that that has some spelling errors but I'm not going to change it.)
Nothing much has happened, really. Nothing significant. Just lots of sadness and my ever worsening depression. The last two years have been...hectic? Me hoping and dreaming and being let down. Never getting to represent the school in A divisions. Never getting to be an OGL. Losing a friend, losing a girlfriend.
Recent events seem more significant. But old and new events may just be as important. Its been a...wild ride for my musical tastes. Starting off 2017 being really into Metal music. And then I started listening to Emo/Punk Rock in 2018 I guess. And now its Musicals. I haven't dared to tell people and share with them by music tasted because it keeps changing? Like I'm setting them up for certain expectations on my feelings and behavior, and I fear that they can't handle my depression.
And recent recently I've decided to become vegetarian/vegan, partially because of some people around me. And realizing how fucking difficult that is when people don't support you? And realizing that when you try hard enough, even with it being really convenient, people take notice. And sometimes its just kinda awkward and judgmental and that's fine. But when they realize and they subvert it because of their own beliefs? That hurts. And people take notice and they mention it. And its like really surprising for them when I eat anything that's vegetarian because they find it weird that I don't eat meat for one meal? Like whats unnatural and surprising is that they have it at ever meal. That's kinda...excessive. And for now I'm not going to try to be completely vegetarian because living with family is kinda difficult and it sucks that sometimes there's only meat at a meal and no plants at all? Its excessive.
My requests to travel independently has been shot down. because apparently some people feel that I will get raped and die if I so much as leave Singapore for a week. My parents don't understand how "dying" and "getting killed" is same. Travelling...is a chance to heal my soul. I am dying little by little everyday. I hope that the time I actually get to travel, which is approx five years from now? That it will not be too late. That I can still enjoy whats left of my life.
I am at a loss for words. I have lost myself in the rat-race.
Maybe I'll write an Ode to Francis Tong next time? Lots of TJ graduates seem to love writing those.
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