I'm an Information Black Hole
11 Nov 2015
Song of the day: Last one standing by Hammerfall
Everyone knows what a black hole is. A thing, or a place, where everything goes is and never comes out again. I could say that since I almost never spread the gossip that I hear, that I’m a gossip black hole. It’s true, I can’t spread the gossip even if I would have wanted to, as I have no one to spread it to. So if only if it was as simple and as pure as just being a gossip black hole. But I’m an information black hole
There’s knowledge. And then there’s me. I can’t pretend that im so good at learning that my brain actually absorbs ALL the information that I come across. But it is a fact that if I know a piece of information, I will almost certainly not tell anyone about it. So this means that if someone tells me their last words before they dies, it will be very surprising if I actually do or say anything about it.
This isn’t because im trying to be mysterious or that I particularly like keeping people in the dark. It’s just my lack of social skills and lack of communication skills that causes me to never tell anyone anything. In fact, in primary school people have called me dumb or mute before, and I think someone said I was autistic too. And I guess now that im fifteen there are still people that suspect this of me. That being said, considering how little I talk, obviously I can go days or weeks without talking to anyone at all. Especially in school. It has happened before and my mouth ends up being very dry, haha.
And during the few special occasions that I talk, it’s all about being polite and there’s absolutely no time for any real conversation about any topic at all. So obviously I don't gossip. Since I don't speak to people, I don't get to say what I hear. Which is quite a lot, by my standards, considering how on one is actually telling this to me specifically.
Maybe it’s my lack of presence. Or it’s that I look like the “quiet type” that definitely don't go around scolding the bullies. Or maybe people just don't care about me anymore. Like im a shadow. But there are girls, who would just sit at the same table as me and completely ignore me while being completely absorbed in their “intellectual conversation” about how another person completely sucks, where most of the arguments don’t make sense at all. And it’s completely insulting, and I think they know that they don't want the other party to hear what their saying. And they don't care at all that I could tell the world what they’re saying. It’s just that I don't. Quite recently I have begun my next phase of escaping from people, so im starting to overhear less of this gossip while I literally run away from crowds, plug in my earphones to listen to music, or just hide in a small place or (eww) a toilet stall.
And then there’s the type of people who perhaps thinks that me and them are close, and who I hope that we are really close. But if our conversations are them talking at me and my laughing, sometimes replying, I seriously don't know how long it will last. And I hope they (this one person only, actually), don't think that im a burden to their social life. but they will tell me long, long, long stories about them and another person, with a conclusion about how much they hate that person, or they will tell me their entire life story (and expect me to reciprocate, but too bad, I don't talk), and in the end they say that im the only person that they have said this too, about how private this is, and with maybe some doubt about whythehell do they trust me this much.
And I hear all this stuffs that is being said, and I have no intention whatsoever to tell anyone else, and I know innately that I will not say it ever. Im not sure if it's such a good thing after all that I can be trusted to keep secrets for people. Sure, I have often imagined being a complete b*tch and telling everyone what I know. But I never do that. I can’t. I can’t tell anyone even if I wanted to. I’m unable to do that.
About here, I’ll just talk about the two and only friends I have in my three years of secondary school. Anything before this I either can’t remember much or im just not aware of what a social life is. One of them is still a friend as of this point of writing, and the other…I don't think so. They are both more normal than me, anyway, in terms of socializing. This friendship thing, is really complicated. I personally think that it’s completely random how a specific person becomes a close friend, while the rest of the world is a stranger. And how a close friend like this can become a stranger overnight.
The first friend who I’ll talk about, let’s call her X. I have no idea how we became friends, for we have never ever even worked together in any class project or group. But anyway we were. I think the only thing that I ever felt any confidence for myself when I was with X is my height, for I’m definitely taller than X. Even then, this difference in size makes me feel really fat just because im of a larger size. In most aspects, X makes me feel really inferior. Getting a higher score than me for important examinations, and also getting a higher score in all oral presentations, even though she got stage fright while I didn't, is just the beginning. She’s fitter than me, is stronger, and runs faster even while claiming to be malnourished and having chronic physical conditions as a teenager. Of course I feel weak. And most importantly she has lots of presence in a crowd, even if people may not like her. She can communicate really well with adults and peers alike, while I just stand beside her awkwardly. X does tell me a lot of stuff. She makes me promise not to tell, and I secretly despair at how I have no one to tell it to even if I wanted to. I…tried to converse with X. but she’s quite self-absorbed and assumes quite a lot, telling me more about me than I ever said about myself. She can talk about herself for hours on end (really. I timed it) and so I don't need to talk about myself. And it doesn't get too awkward. And it’s really fascinating how we remained friends for over two years, considering I almost never say anything but “yes” and “no”. X accepts me, and I think it’s because most people do not like her, for reasons I cannot phantom. But I have always considered it my luck that im the “only true friend” in school at least. But a few months ago I guess my luck was used up. We just stopped talking. I could possibly have done something about it. But that would have required speaking, and I can’t do that, so I didn't do anything. And I’m kind of pissed and think its X’s responsibility to take the initiative and restore the friendship. But I guess she doesn't want to, and so I need to stop living in the past with my hopes of us growing up together, and accept the fact that it’s all over. All over. I can’t help but wish and dream that we are still best friends. Was it really that I have no more use as a friend? Is her social life so prosperous now that I’m a disgust? I’m a sadist and I hope not. Is it noble idiocy? How can anyone think that my social life will do any better with one less friend? Is it my fault? Like, I really don’t like taking the blame. Besides, that we have to hang out less because of clashing lesson timetables is totally, like, not my choice. I think. I have theories. But I’ll never say. I’ll never ask. I’ll never know anything beyond this knowledge, never find out what really happened to us. (wow that was a long paragraph)
This next friend I’ll call her Y. I guess im really lucky I met her before X left me, because I really don't want to return to the situation in primary school where there was absolutely no one to eat with me, however infrequently, at lunch, and no one to talk at me to keep by ears functional and my mind sane. Y constantly tells me how surprising it is that we are friends. I don't think that it’s surprising if we only consider the conditions, which were that we were in the same class group for two terms and worked together with others in a group for countless projects. But it is indeed surprising that the object of this friendship is me, given that I can’t socialise to save my life. And Y is even more normal than X, being extremely social, very much a leader, and being friends with almost everyone, at least this is the case in my eyes. She has many friends in and out of school, can be considered to be a class clown/celebrity, and talks to almost everyone because she’s a leader. When we’re together, Y has told me a lot about her interesting life, being a foreign student who’s older than me and having a true certified medical condition and all. I’d knew her for almost half a year (we met in the beginning of this year), when she started expecting me to reciprocate these life stories of hers with my own. So far I…have not done so. Because I can’t converse! Much less talk about myself. And her threats that I need to share about myself to her or she will stop being my friend are getting more and more common in most meetings. And she claims that I don't trust her however much I do. It’s not about her, it’s just that I have nothing to say. And so I get more and more worried by the day that what if she really leaves me one day because she thinks I don't trust her. And unlike X, Y always crushes any wishes I have of ever growing up with her, working with her (even though she wants to be a doctor, which is just what I am sincerely considering for myself as well, just that I never say it, and thus she too develops her own assumptions of my career path). As I have said, she is a foreign student, and has noble ambitions of going back to her more backward homeland to serve her country, so we can’t possibly be together as adults as I have no intention whatsoever of following her to her third world country of a homeland which is by the way extremely discriminatory to her race. I would rather tour Europe as a backpacker. (Im such a bad person) Y is also pretty insecure, considering her past of being “ditched by friends”, and is worried that I will ditch her as well, but honestly who will I go to if I ditch her, I don't have the right to do so. Y keeps talking about how I may ditch her in the sooner years to come, and coupled with the trust-stuff I seriously need to hope that SHE doesn't ditch ME. Maybe I could try, try talking to her. But it’s talking after all. I just have to hope that my quietness can sustain me long enough. And I really hope that I can ever make a new friend. And I have a feeling, very ominous that she is the last friend I will make. In this life. I can only hope.
And besides the friendship problems that I encounter being an information black hole, there are also intellectual implications. Im good in science, results wise. Especially physics. (Am I giving my identity away? No, please not…) Not to boast, seriously. And im also really interested in academics and other intellectual stuff. Science, like, quantum physics, being a main interest, and I am also interested in the social sciences, philosophy, languages and linguistics, war history and weaponry, mathematics, and just about everything?? Because I don't spend much time socialising, and talking useless stuff, I do have a lot of time to do my research and readings about various topics. I surf the net and read a lot, sometimes books in the library as well. With this I consider that I know quite a lot. I really don't want to boast…but I have to. From the words I see, what I read, my brain does have an intellectual buffet in there.
But the really sad thing is, even though I know all this information, I will never use it ever. I won’t be conversing with other people who have the same interests as me, because speaking is something I have seldom done, and I can’t imagine myself doing it. So sharing my knowledge with people, conversing with others in a new language that I am learning, all these productive stuff is out of the list of things I can do with the knowledge and information I have. Such a waste, right? Being a (casual) musician and never performing for anyone because crowds, or other people in general, scare me shitless. Being a (casual, too) athlete and never teaching anyone my sport, never competing, because the thought of people knowing anything about me gives my cold shivers.
What use then, is there of learning so much? Learning a new language by whispering at my computer’s microphone, just to read in that language to learn new knowledge that does nothing but pleases me. Practicing my instrument till my hands fall off, but forever and always with the mutes on so that no one hears just so that I can gain some self-pride. Doing math and physics practices till my brain hurts, even though it has no nociceptors, and end up freaking out during exams and still being substandard.
Oh, it’s all for the future. That's what they say. So learn more while you’re young. They say. But I can’t imagine in all its practicality as to how im going to use these knowledge in the future. If im going to be employed in any job at all, it’s going to need socializing. Independently, without X, without Y, without my mum. I can’t imagine that. And based on my past, any kind of social attempt will be unsuccessful. I can only hope otherwise, but I am actually too shy even, to try socializing.
In that case do I not have a future? Can I ever get myself employed in a stable job? If I were to tour Europe am I gonna have to eat off my savings or my parents money because I just can’t get an Arbeit to save my life? I really can’t imagine myself working. And all the knowledge that I spend my youth and more learning will just never be used because I can’t, and after some time, I no longer have to.
Song of the day: Last one standing by Hammerfall
Everyone knows what a black hole is. A thing, or a place, where everything goes is and never comes out again. I could say that since I almost never spread the gossip that I hear, that I’m a gossip black hole. It’s true, I can’t spread the gossip even if I would have wanted to, as I have no one to spread it to. So if only if it was as simple and as pure as just being a gossip black hole. But I’m an information black hole
There’s knowledge. And then there’s me. I can’t pretend that im so good at learning that my brain actually absorbs ALL the information that I come across. But it is a fact that if I know a piece of information, I will almost certainly not tell anyone about it. So this means that if someone tells me their last words before they dies, it will be very surprising if I actually do or say anything about it.
This isn’t because im trying to be mysterious or that I particularly like keeping people in the dark. It’s just my lack of social skills and lack of communication skills that causes me to never tell anyone anything. In fact, in primary school people have called me dumb or mute before, and I think someone said I was autistic too. And I guess now that im fifteen there are still people that suspect this of me. That being said, considering how little I talk, obviously I can go days or weeks without talking to anyone at all. Especially in school. It has happened before and my mouth ends up being very dry, haha.
And during the few special occasions that I talk, it’s all about being polite and there’s absolutely no time for any real conversation about any topic at all. So obviously I don't gossip. Since I don't speak to people, I don't get to say what I hear. Which is quite a lot, by my standards, considering how on one is actually telling this to me specifically.
Maybe it’s my lack of presence. Or it’s that I look like the “quiet type” that definitely don't go around scolding the bullies. Or maybe people just don't care about me anymore. Like im a shadow. But there are girls, who would just sit at the same table as me and completely ignore me while being completely absorbed in their “intellectual conversation” about how another person completely sucks, where most of the arguments don’t make sense at all. And it’s completely insulting, and I think they know that they don't want the other party to hear what their saying. And they don't care at all that I could tell the world what they’re saying. It’s just that I don't. Quite recently I have begun my next phase of escaping from people, so im starting to overhear less of this gossip while I literally run away from crowds, plug in my earphones to listen to music, or just hide in a small place or (eww) a toilet stall.
And then there’s the type of people who perhaps thinks that me and them are close, and who I hope that we are really close. But if our conversations are them talking at me and my laughing, sometimes replying, I seriously don't know how long it will last. And I hope they (this one person only, actually), don't think that im a burden to their social life. but they will tell me long, long, long stories about them and another person, with a conclusion about how much they hate that person, or they will tell me their entire life story (and expect me to reciprocate, but too bad, I don't talk), and in the end they say that im the only person that they have said this too, about how private this is, and with maybe some doubt about whythehell do they trust me this much.
And I hear all this stuffs that is being said, and I have no intention whatsoever to tell anyone else, and I know innately that I will not say it ever. Im not sure if it's such a good thing after all that I can be trusted to keep secrets for people. Sure, I have often imagined being a complete b*tch and telling everyone what I know. But I never do that. I can’t. I can’t tell anyone even if I wanted to. I’m unable to do that.
About here, I’ll just talk about the two and only friends I have in my three years of secondary school. Anything before this I either can’t remember much or im just not aware of what a social life is. One of them is still a friend as of this point of writing, and the other…I don't think so. They are both more normal than me, anyway, in terms of socializing. This friendship thing, is really complicated. I personally think that it’s completely random how a specific person becomes a close friend, while the rest of the world is a stranger. And how a close friend like this can become a stranger overnight.
The first friend who I’ll talk about, let’s call her X. I have no idea how we became friends, for we have never ever even worked together in any class project or group. But anyway we were. I think the only thing that I ever felt any confidence for myself when I was with X is my height, for I’m definitely taller than X. Even then, this difference in size makes me feel really fat just because im of a larger size. In most aspects, X makes me feel really inferior. Getting a higher score than me for important examinations, and also getting a higher score in all oral presentations, even though she got stage fright while I didn't, is just the beginning. She’s fitter than me, is stronger, and runs faster even while claiming to be malnourished and having chronic physical conditions as a teenager. Of course I feel weak. And most importantly she has lots of presence in a crowd, even if people may not like her. She can communicate really well with adults and peers alike, while I just stand beside her awkwardly. X does tell me a lot of stuff. She makes me promise not to tell, and I secretly despair at how I have no one to tell it to even if I wanted to. I…tried to converse with X. but she’s quite self-absorbed and assumes quite a lot, telling me more about me than I ever said about myself. She can talk about herself for hours on end (really. I timed it) and so I don't need to talk about myself. And it doesn't get too awkward. And it’s really fascinating how we remained friends for over two years, considering I almost never say anything but “yes” and “no”. X accepts me, and I think it’s because most people do not like her, for reasons I cannot phantom. But I have always considered it my luck that im the “only true friend” in school at least. But a few months ago I guess my luck was used up. We just stopped talking. I could possibly have done something about it. But that would have required speaking, and I can’t do that, so I didn't do anything. And I’m kind of pissed and think its X’s responsibility to take the initiative and restore the friendship. But I guess she doesn't want to, and so I need to stop living in the past with my hopes of us growing up together, and accept the fact that it’s all over. All over. I can’t help but wish and dream that we are still best friends. Was it really that I have no more use as a friend? Is her social life so prosperous now that I’m a disgust? I’m a sadist and I hope not. Is it noble idiocy? How can anyone think that my social life will do any better with one less friend? Is it my fault? Like, I really don’t like taking the blame. Besides, that we have to hang out less because of clashing lesson timetables is totally, like, not my choice. I think. I have theories. But I’ll never say. I’ll never ask. I’ll never know anything beyond this knowledge, never find out what really happened to us. (wow that was a long paragraph)
This next friend I’ll call her Y. I guess im really lucky I met her before X left me, because I really don't want to return to the situation in primary school where there was absolutely no one to eat with me, however infrequently, at lunch, and no one to talk at me to keep by ears functional and my mind sane. Y constantly tells me how surprising it is that we are friends. I don't think that it’s surprising if we only consider the conditions, which were that we were in the same class group for two terms and worked together with others in a group for countless projects. But it is indeed surprising that the object of this friendship is me, given that I can’t socialise to save my life. And Y is even more normal than X, being extremely social, very much a leader, and being friends with almost everyone, at least this is the case in my eyes. She has many friends in and out of school, can be considered to be a class clown/celebrity, and talks to almost everyone because she’s a leader. When we’re together, Y has told me a lot about her interesting life, being a foreign student who’s older than me and having a true certified medical condition and all. I’d knew her for almost half a year (we met in the beginning of this year), when she started expecting me to reciprocate these life stories of hers with my own. So far I…have not done so. Because I can’t converse! Much less talk about myself. And her threats that I need to share about myself to her or she will stop being my friend are getting more and more common in most meetings. And she claims that I don't trust her however much I do. It’s not about her, it’s just that I have nothing to say. And so I get more and more worried by the day that what if she really leaves me one day because she thinks I don't trust her. And unlike X, Y always crushes any wishes I have of ever growing up with her, working with her (even though she wants to be a doctor, which is just what I am sincerely considering for myself as well, just that I never say it, and thus she too develops her own assumptions of my career path). As I have said, she is a foreign student, and has noble ambitions of going back to her more backward homeland to serve her country, so we can’t possibly be together as adults as I have no intention whatsoever of following her to her third world country of a homeland which is by the way extremely discriminatory to her race. I would rather tour Europe as a backpacker. (Im such a bad person) Y is also pretty insecure, considering her past of being “ditched by friends”, and is worried that I will ditch her as well, but honestly who will I go to if I ditch her, I don't have the right to do so. Y keeps talking about how I may ditch her in the sooner years to come, and coupled with the trust-stuff I seriously need to hope that SHE doesn't ditch ME. Maybe I could try, try talking to her. But it’s talking after all. I just have to hope that my quietness can sustain me long enough. And I really hope that I can ever make a new friend. And I have a feeling, very ominous that she is the last friend I will make. In this life. I can only hope.
And besides the friendship problems that I encounter being an information black hole, there are also intellectual implications. Im good in science, results wise. Especially physics. (Am I giving my identity away? No, please not…) Not to boast, seriously. And im also really interested in academics and other intellectual stuff. Science, like, quantum physics, being a main interest, and I am also interested in the social sciences, philosophy, languages and linguistics, war history and weaponry, mathematics, and just about everything?? Because I don't spend much time socialising, and talking useless stuff, I do have a lot of time to do my research and readings about various topics. I surf the net and read a lot, sometimes books in the library as well. With this I consider that I know quite a lot. I really don't want to boast…but I have to. From the words I see, what I read, my brain does have an intellectual buffet in there.
But the really sad thing is, even though I know all this information, I will never use it ever. I won’t be conversing with other people who have the same interests as me, because speaking is something I have seldom done, and I can’t imagine myself doing it. So sharing my knowledge with people, conversing with others in a new language that I am learning, all these productive stuff is out of the list of things I can do with the knowledge and information I have. Such a waste, right? Being a (casual) musician and never performing for anyone because crowds, or other people in general, scare me shitless. Being a (casual, too) athlete and never teaching anyone my sport, never competing, because the thought of people knowing anything about me gives my cold shivers.
What use then, is there of learning so much? Learning a new language by whispering at my computer’s microphone, just to read in that language to learn new knowledge that does nothing but pleases me. Practicing my instrument till my hands fall off, but forever and always with the mutes on so that no one hears just so that I can gain some self-pride. Doing math and physics practices till my brain hurts, even though it has no nociceptors, and end up freaking out during exams and still being substandard.
Oh, it’s all for the future. That's what they say. So learn more while you’re young. They say. But I can’t imagine in all its practicality as to how im going to use these knowledge in the future. If im going to be employed in any job at all, it’s going to need socializing. Independently, without X, without Y, without my mum. I can’t imagine that. And based on my past, any kind of social attempt will be unsuccessful. I can only hope otherwise, but I am actually too shy even, to try socializing.
In that case do I not have a future? Can I ever get myself employed in a stable job? If I were to tour Europe am I gonna have to eat off my savings or my parents money because I just can’t get an Arbeit to save my life? I really can’t imagine myself working. And all the knowledge that I spend my youth and more learning will just never be used because I can’t, and after some time, I no longer have to.
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