Einsamkeit (re-upload???)
20 Nov 2018
(reminder to self: write an ode to Francis Tong, publish my letter to him, and reflect on my TJC experience)
(I feel like I somehow have published this somewhere else before. Probably something like Wattpad. Anyways, this is right before my most difficult A Level exams, aka History. And here I am, writing (or editing) fiction!!! Haish. What am I to do with myself?)
Read this while listening to the Character songs of Germany or Prussia or Russia from the Anime Hetalia. Specifically Einsamkeit. or White Flame, Winter, etc. This is sort of like a fanfiction, but not really. It "takes some inspiration" from Hetalia. Or rather, just some names. And themes. But it has quite some influence of the Singapore School Experience. Or just immature sixteen year olds in schools.
“Sashimi-san!” I think I hear someone calling me. I look up from the ground, turning around, and the white wall smirks glaringly at me. This is, perhaps, cabin fever, or the implications of being a hikikomori. I am becoming schizophrenic, jumpy and hallucinatory. Deep down I know, of course there can't be anyone calling my name. The average school day saw me not saying anything more than a mumbled “sorry” infrequently. Hence barely anyone knew my name since I didn't talk to anyone at all.
The reverberation of the school bell resonated through the walls, and people of different colours, sizes and shapes, but all wearing the same uniform, flowed into the classroom like an undersized canteen collecting the rushing stream of mountain water. Before long, the classroom was packed. My ears rang from the loud noise of this zoo I had just landed myself in. The teacher hasn’t even arrived yet, I could have waited a while to enter, but no, I just had to be the earliest, and now I’m stuck here. To try and run away from this quicksand would be akin to voluntarily entering a stampede, and getting killed by the shoving and screeching bodies. So I had to wait.
These people talking, so boisterously, to one another. Laughing till they cried. Screaming till they’re hoarse. I kind of enjoyed seeing how these people interacted with each other. It’s interesting. Having friends is nice after all. They were all friends with one another, little cliques. Well, it isn’t that I don’t "belong to a clique". It’s just that...I look up from staring at my too difficult math homework. The other four parts of the group that I usually had lunch with were gathered near the front of the class as usual. Francine steadied her ass on the table, Amelia sat on Yao’s lap, and Ike tapped furiously at the football game on her iPhone while standing next to the table. I felt instantaneous pity for little Seychey sitting on the seat next to them. My group was making just as much noise as any other group. The class was full of animals! These mating calls created soundwaves with so much amplitude, the air in my lungs was swished around.
But wait was all I could do, and wait I did. I was familiar enough with this pattern. Class was supposed to start, studious students would enter the class and make a lot of noise while our fat math teacher would be late for class because he’s having trouble climbing the stairs. Then ten minutes in the class would switch to digital communication, snapping pictures of this boring classroom for Instagram and snapchat. Have a conference on WhatsApp. And the class would finally be quiet. And I get some peace. And then when class’s nearly over the teacher, morbidly obese, asthmatic, and has issues climbing the stairs to our class on time, entered and commanded us to greet him.
I zoned in from my zone-out, and meditative peace overwhelmed me. These animals finally started using their phones. I was bored to death. Math was getting over my head as I can’t and won’t do the homework. Recent science tests returned me with sub-par marks. So studying isn’t a choice now, I simply hate it now. If there was a cue I certainly didn’t hear it, but my classmates seemed to agree that now was the time to use their phones.
I close my eyes and recalled a prayer from my ancestors long ago. General winter, watch over me please. The sun, I pray all to the sun. Father fritz, I will fulfil your goals and become great again. However confusing and screwed up this was, I could feel it. The Ki, the power. The many wars and battles my immortal body has fought. How I was never killed, as evident in how I’m still alive now despite being born millennia ago. How I survive all these years. I could get all the food and protective winter clothing I needed, escape all them bullets in the battle of Stalingrad. I fought for the gulls against the goths, and flying swords, marching horses? I triumphed as an individual. Jutland never killed me, not because I could swim well. But because I can stop time. Stop the time long enough for me to save my pathetic life, but I never tried to give my nation an advantage with this extra time by laying a massacre to the enemy forces. Magical superpowers just aren’t supposed to change or influence history.
The energy of a gazillion sunflowers photosynthesizing all at once, creating a white flame of pure, intense energy, stronger than the depths of Shambhala and El Dorado combined. It flowed through my fingertips, my feet, consuming more and more of my body. My legs, my shoulders, my torso. My heart, and finally, my brain. How come I’m getting this enlightenment now, in a stupid classroom? My life isn’t in danger, I have no particular motives to be intensely passionate about...hell. I might as well embrace it and take this as an opportunity to train my skills. In this present day, the ability to readily call on this power would come in really handy, if say ISIS was here to bomb. I felt myself become lighter. Gravity, 9.81 ms-2. If there are no seconds, there’s no gravitational acceleration. That’s why it’s actually dangerous to stay in a timeless state for too long, as my muscles could atrophy and cease to work to support my weight once time resumed. My ears rang, I could no longer hear the tapping of phones and periodic ring of phones. My eyeballs swirled in a vortex of a tsunami-hurricane and all I could see were spirals. Air molecules ceased to bounce against my skin, there was no pressure at all. Nothing to smell, nothing to taste.
And then, I remembered to breath. Air rushed into my lungs unpolluted, my eyes flickered open. I twitched and tried to stand up. I was light as a feather, and soon enough, I was float-walking around the classroom effortlessly. Friends with dynamic movements were frozen to their seat, phones frozen to their hands. Some had their mouths half open, and others legs were inches off the floor in mid shake, all looking clownish. I calculated the situation I was in. Me, the immortal, time stopping weirdo, and twenty seven other sentient lil' humans. Of which four are people I have slightly more frequent contact with. One of which I got to travel the ocean with, Yao. She was the only one sleeping instead of using her phone, but it doesn’t matter, I know her password, it was the name of the female teacher she had a crush on. For all purposes, all’s left was for me to act. What fun.
I walk-floated towards the seat of Francine. In her hands the phone she was using had a manga or doujinshi on it. I fished it out of her hands, and jabbed the tab button. A nice Samsung phone with a nice turquoise cover. Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, Messenger, Tumblr, and Twitter little pop down options appeared. This is a hella basic bitch! Alright, let’s attack WhatsApp first. I clicked it and hundreds of chats appeared. Friends, groups, groups I’m also in. I clicked on one and another one. "We are the true-blue mall-gang, you scrubs", "hey, we like totes need to meetup, my primary school friends!", "do we really need to play soccer every time???" okay...enough of this. I returned the phone to its original state.
Next, on to Amelia. WhatsApp too. It was practically the class list in it. Being the class president and sending frequent reminder messages to everyone does indeed require some devotion. At the very top of the WhatsApp chats list was a group with her best friends, ex classmates: Kory, Feuilly, Keylin. I scrolled through that chat. How…normal. How…friendly. The next chat on the descending list was the class group of her previous class. More than one year has passed since they stopped learning together. And yet the group was still very active. I scrolled up and saw the planning of a class gathering in the recent winter holidays. That class bonded like super glue! Whereas our current class, we hardly even use the group chat. I guess the electrostatic forces of attraction of gas molecules far apart would be a good way to describe the strength and magnitude of our unity. (On hindsight, I then walked back to Francine, and saw that her previous class was also just as bonded, and socially active as a group. I guess it’s just my previous class then. But perhaps even they were bonded too. It’s just that I don't know it and will never get to know, because I was never included in the WhatsApp chat they used. I did hear that it used to be quite active, and I’m sure it still is now.) I scrolled through more individual chats this girl had, revealing an even more narcissistic and cutesy-lover side than I had ever seen of Amelia. More kitsch. The phone was placed back on the shelf of the girl’s hands.
Seated conveniently in front of Amelia was Ike’s. She likes gaming and sports, and a football game was running on her iPhone 4, FIFA perhaps. I decided to pass her on. It would probably be inconsequential. Anyway, it isn’t like she is the most vocal of our group, and if I were researching inter-relations within our group, she would be the right choice to skip. And so I slithered around her table, which was the one my friends were gathered around before, and skittered along to Yao.
She lay on the table and evidently her phone was out of sight. Where else could it be but…I went over to her side and reached carefully into her pocket. Her phone obeyed my desires and slid onto my hand. I clicked the "Home" button, and “B-I-A-N-V-E-N-E” I typed. The phone flashed to turn on. The memo app was last thing she was using before Yao fell asleep. “I used to rule the world, and I will once again”, “I will become successful and go find Bian. She will accept me again”, “Get a GPA of 3.5 so that I'll be accepted into Philosophy class next year”, the ambitious goals my boat captain had. I double clicked the vulnerable little round button of her iPhone 6. WhatsApp was the next most recent app she used. The first chat was one with Ike (ehh...strange? they talked?). I scrolled through it.
Ike (I): Yaooooo
Yao (Y): hey, like, watsupp, Ike?
I: is Sashimi angry that we discussed the project about anti gravity particles without her? she said something about "seedless grapes" today. what sort of insult is that?
Y: it’s okay, we were just brainstorming, nothing to be guilty about.
I: what if she thinks my idea is shit and disses it?
Y: then I will support you, don't worry.
*a few hours*
Y: you know, I realized that the most caring person, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, is Kuh? That day, after all of you left for your Extracurriculars, I was crying and Kuh was the only one comforting me. She really understands me. And Sashimi was there, and she didn't even give a shit.
I: Sashimi sucks at comforting people…so even if she wanted to help you, she can’t.
Y: you know, sometimes I wonder if Sashimi really cared about me. Like, it seems like I’m being used. When I give her suggestions I’m always thinking the best for her. And she hasn't even given me anything. I said that appreciation of our friendship by mini gifts on special occasions means a lot to me, and she didn't even care. Its been more than a month and she still hasn't bought me my birthday present.
I: you know, she once told me that she had no friends before us, and I was like wtf. So maybe she doesn't know about all this.
Y: but she had June-Scarlet last year
I: but June-Scarlet is so weird…
Y: yea, I know right. So maybe June-Scarlet didn't teach Sashimi about what friends should do for each other.
I: Sashimi has no ethics and no morals haha
Y: anyway, I doubt how much Sashimi really treats me as a friend. It really feels like she is making use of me. I should tell my Neurologist that I have paranoia.
I: yeah, but don't make it seem like you’re your epilepsy has turned you into a schizo.
Y: thanks for comforting me, tho. I feel so much better now. Maybe we should just ignore Sashimi and stop being friends with her. You know, Sashimi looks down on me. She always puts me down and insults me.
I: I know, I would think so too. She’s thinks she’s so smart, she should just go find some smarter friends.
Y: yep, ikr, i will tell her that. goodnight, and thank you.
Reading the chat message to this point my heart froze. My hands became cold and my legs failed to support my stance. I plopped to the ground and the vortex of air molecules swirled above my head, static charge pulling on the hairs of my skin. Like a broken tap, tears flowed out of my eyes. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening. The iPhone fell to the ground with a clink and the screen turned black. I tensed my back to stay, at least, seated on the floor. But still, my head hit the ground. No pain at all, for there was no gravity, no force pulling me down. Even then, the maximum surface area of my body was now touching the cold, dry, hard floor. My hair floated around my face. And then settled over my eyes. The urge to push it out of the way of my sight, combined with the inability to move my hands made me cry even harder. With all the strength I could muster, I rolled over into a fetal position. Then I screamed and shouted, releasing all the glucose converted energy as sound waves produced by my vocal cords. I coughed and wheezed.
How could they…the innocently immature musician-athlete Ike, and the more than two and a half years older than me Yao. I would have thought that they were loyal in their friendship to me. Like, I wouldn't bitch about Ike to Yao, or Yao to Ike! I have enough decency for THAT. But what is this, gossiping and strengthening their hatred towards me, the awesome Sashimi. Saying that I’m, what, a proud asshat? Condescending bitch? An uncaring stone? Using people like some cunning politician? That I get jealous easily? Most importantly, that I NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH ME HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS, BECAUSE I AM JUST TOO STUPID AND MY EQ IS TOO DAMN LOW TO FIND OUT BY MYSELF? And also, telling each other to “discriminate Sashimi and just do our own thing for the physics project”? I felt the betrayal I hadn’t felt for a long time, in fact since Brutus killed Caesar.
I remain lying on the cement floor. Tall above me, the frozen children of god, arses glued to their seats and eyeballs glued to their phones. On my left, the demonized creature of Yao whom I once sailed the seven seas with. My eyes were blurry with tears. Like a pagan I was the sacrificial lamb, my fate, my destiny, was to live forever. I should have capitulated. I should have known. To remain innocent forever was impossible. I need to experience heartbreak to grow up, right? The followers built the floor as an altar, people who died would be placed in a paten on the floor. Through generations I have endured physical pain. And now it’s time I suffer even more, a price to pay for being the chosen one.
Seemingly, an eternity had gone by. I felt a tingling sensation in my fingertips. I knew what that was. A memory. When I was releasing the African slaves while in time stop, opening one lock at a time, and then I lost control of the time. The imperialist British caught me. Sent me to burn at the stake. I only escaped because I regained my strength to stop the time again and untie the Jesus-crucifixion binds. I can’t let my classmates see me in this pathetic state! I can’t shock them with pseudo-teleportation! I need to get back to my seat! Anxiety and determination could overthrow the force of depression. I stood up and shoved the iPhone back into Yao’s pocket, and managed to drag my feet back to my seat. I didn't want to restart time voluntarily, so I simply returned to closing my eyes, and waited.
All the strength I once had, it completely disappeared from my limbs. I guess I had went over my limit. My body became warmer exponentially and the tingling sensation spread throughout my body. The ringing in my ears became louder. Rainbow colors flashed in my eyes. I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to risk appearing weird and being discovered, if say, time started while I was shouting. It was so much more painful for time to force itself back on me than if I restarted it myself. But I decided to embrace the pain. At least this was physical, I could deal with this better than emotional pain.
I opened my eyes. All these students were still where they were, oblivious to what I had just experienced. Like nothing had happened, they unfroze and resumed tapping on their screens. No one noticed me. I felt lethargic and stoned. The teacher entered soon.
Well, well, well. It sure has been a long ride since the beginning of 2016. Yao is now two-and-something months away from being a complete, 21 year old adult. She is accomplished-as-fuck. And she has many friends and is a great leader, albeit manipulative and egoistic. Ike is really smart and topped the cohort in Chemistry. Amelia is the epitome of a successful student, on the Dean's list, and a great leader too. Francine is now in my class, a pneumatic flirt who can't keep her mouth shut to spare my life. That Friday which Yao confronted me for looking at her messages (hey, i really think i've written about this before...), June-Scarlet sent me a threatening message, after which she swore we were officially no longer friends. I stalked her a few months later. But in 2017 I started talking to June-Scarlet again. Yao has trust issues and I am too depressed to please her, so we are no longer together. And about Ike's name, it is Eisenhower. Yao often talks about how Kuh (whats German for cow, she's an ass) is a bitch, but they still hang out for some reason. Sashimi has been royally fucked over by the Singapore Education System and is depressed now.
Edit: Hetalia may have fucked up my life by influencing me to take History as a subject beyond the level at which I am capable. But then again I only liked Hetalia because I studied history. Its circular and very fucked up.
Another thing: In this story everyone's names are fucked up. Amelia and Francine are the only actual names. My "group" of "friends", I tried to model it around the Allies in Hetalia that many writers do too. 'Cept that I failed. Amelia and Francine are the Nyo! names of Alfred and Francis. Yao is just Yao because I can't be bothered. But the actual person I'm writing about is only Half Chinese? How ironic. But I guess the name fits because she's the oldest. Ike is supposed to represent UK but that's an american president and it doesn't make sense? I assigned her as UK because I thought she was awkward, but she turned out to be more successful than me so arghhHHH. But also she's related to the UK because her first name is one of Shakespeare's characters. and Shakespeare was English. As for me, the last one remaining is Russia of course. 'Cos I'm a stinking communist. 'Cos I can't not be weird to save my life. And if I wanted a name related to Ivan I could have chosen like Natalya or something, or choose one of the many many names from Natasha, Pierre And The Great Comet Of 1812. Or War and Peace. A hell lot of names and I just decided to name myself after a fucking food. A piece of fish that gets fucking sliced up like fucking salami. But whatever. I am a Sashimi too.
And the Lit trio of Kory, Feuilly and Keylin. Though not all of them are Lighted up. And not all of them are Lit anyway. Kory sounds like a dinosaur. But it also sounds like her actual name. Feuilly is from Les Miserables, and there is no reason except that it sounds like a girls name. Keylin sounds like the actual name too.
(reminder to self: write an ode to Francis Tong, publish my letter to him, and reflect on my TJC experience)
(I feel like I somehow have published this somewhere else before. Probably something like Wattpad. Anyways, this is right before my most difficult A Level exams, aka History. And here I am, writing (or editing) fiction!!! Haish. What am I to do with myself?)
Read this while listening to the Character songs of Germany or Prussia or Russia from the Anime Hetalia. Specifically Einsamkeit. or White Flame, Winter, etc. This is sort of like a fanfiction, but not really. It "takes some inspiration" from Hetalia. Or rather, just some names. And themes. But it has quite some influence of the Singapore School Experience. Or just immature sixteen year olds in schools.
“Sashimi-san!” I think I hear someone calling me. I look up from the ground, turning around, and the white wall smirks glaringly at me. This is, perhaps, cabin fever, or the implications of being a hikikomori. I am becoming schizophrenic, jumpy and hallucinatory. Deep down I know, of course there can't be anyone calling my name. The average school day saw me not saying anything more than a mumbled “sorry” infrequently. Hence barely anyone knew my name since I didn't talk to anyone at all.
The reverberation of the school bell resonated through the walls, and people of different colours, sizes and shapes, but all wearing the same uniform, flowed into the classroom like an undersized canteen collecting the rushing stream of mountain water. Before long, the classroom was packed. My ears rang from the loud noise of this zoo I had just landed myself in. The teacher hasn’t even arrived yet, I could have waited a while to enter, but no, I just had to be the earliest, and now I’m stuck here. To try and run away from this quicksand would be akin to voluntarily entering a stampede, and getting killed by the shoving and screeching bodies. So I had to wait.
These people talking, so boisterously, to one another. Laughing till they cried. Screaming till they’re hoarse. I kind of enjoyed seeing how these people interacted with each other. It’s interesting. Having friends is nice after all. They were all friends with one another, little cliques. Well, it isn’t that I don’t "belong to a clique". It’s just that...I look up from staring at my too difficult math homework. The other four parts of the group that I usually had lunch with were gathered near the front of the class as usual. Francine steadied her ass on the table, Amelia sat on Yao’s lap, and Ike tapped furiously at the football game on her iPhone while standing next to the table. I felt instantaneous pity for little Seychey sitting on the seat next to them. My group was making just as much noise as any other group. The class was full of animals! These mating calls created soundwaves with so much amplitude, the air in my lungs was swished around.
But wait was all I could do, and wait I did. I was familiar enough with this pattern. Class was supposed to start, studious students would enter the class and make a lot of noise while our fat math teacher would be late for class because he’s having trouble climbing the stairs. Then ten minutes in the class would switch to digital communication, snapping pictures of this boring classroom for Instagram and snapchat. Have a conference on WhatsApp. And the class would finally be quiet. And I get some peace. And then when class’s nearly over the teacher, morbidly obese, asthmatic, and has issues climbing the stairs to our class on time, entered and commanded us to greet him.
I zoned in from my zone-out, and meditative peace overwhelmed me. These animals finally started using their phones. I was bored to death. Math was getting over my head as I can’t and won’t do the homework. Recent science tests returned me with sub-par marks. So studying isn’t a choice now, I simply hate it now. If there was a cue I certainly didn’t hear it, but my classmates seemed to agree that now was the time to use their phones.
I close my eyes and recalled a prayer from my ancestors long ago. General winter, watch over me please. The sun, I pray all to the sun. Father fritz, I will fulfil your goals and become great again. However confusing and screwed up this was, I could feel it. The Ki, the power. The many wars and battles my immortal body has fought. How I was never killed, as evident in how I’m still alive now despite being born millennia ago. How I survive all these years. I could get all the food and protective winter clothing I needed, escape all them bullets in the battle of Stalingrad. I fought for the gulls against the goths, and flying swords, marching horses? I triumphed as an individual. Jutland never killed me, not because I could swim well. But because I can stop time. Stop the time long enough for me to save my pathetic life, but I never tried to give my nation an advantage with this extra time by laying a massacre to the enemy forces. Magical superpowers just aren’t supposed to change or influence history.
The energy of a gazillion sunflowers photosynthesizing all at once, creating a white flame of pure, intense energy, stronger than the depths of Shambhala and El Dorado combined. It flowed through my fingertips, my feet, consuming more and more of my body. My legs, my shoulders, my torso. My heart, and finally, my brain. How come I’m getting this enlightenment now, in a stupid classroom? My life isn’t in danger, I have no particular motives to be intensely passionate about...hell. I might as well embrace it and take this as an opportunity to train my skills. In this present day, the ability to readily call on this power would come in really handy, if say ISIS was here to bomb. I felt myself become lighter. Gravity, 9.81 ms-2. If there are no seconds, there’s no gravitational acceleration. That’s why it’s actually dangerous to stay in a timeless state for too long, as my muscles could atrophy and cease to work to support my weight once time resumed. My ears rang, I could no longer hear the tapping of phones and periodic ring of phones. My eyeballs swirled in a vortex of a tsunami-hurricane and all I could see were spirals. Air molecules ceased to bounce against my skin, there was no pressure at all. Nothing to smell, nothing to taste.
And then, I remembered to breath. Air rushed into my lungs unpolluted, my eyes flickered open. I twitched and tried to stand up. I was light as a feather, and soon enough, I was float-walking around the classroom effortlessly. Friends with dynamic movements were frozen to their seat, phones frozen to their hands. Some had their mouths half open, and others legs were inches off the floor in mid shake, all looking clownish. I calculated the situation I was in. Me, the immortal, time stopping weirdo, and twenty seven other sentient lil' humans. Of which four are people I have slightly more frequent contact with. One of which I got to travel the ocean with, Yao. She was the only one sleeping instead of using her phone, but it doesn’t matter, I know her password, it was the name of the female teacher she had a crush on. For all purposes, all’s left was for me to act. What fun.
I walk-floated towards the seat of Francine. In her hands the phone she was using had a manga or doujinshi on it. I fished it out of her hands, and jabbed the tab button. A nice Samsung phone with a nice turquoise cover. Facebook, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, Messenger, Tumblr, and Twitter little pop down options appeared. This is a hella basic bitch! Alright, let’s attack WhatsApp first. I clicked it and hundreds of chats appeared. Friends, groups, groups I’m also in. I clicked on one and another one. "We are the true-blue mall-gang, you scrubs", "hey, we like totes need to meetup, my primary school friends!", "do we really need to play soccer every time???" okay...enough of this. I returned the phone to its original state.
Next, on to Amelia. WhatsApp too. It was practically the class list in it. Being the class president and sending frequent reminder messages to everyone does indeed require some devotion. At the very top of the WhatsApp chats list was a group with her best friends, ex classmates: Kory, Feuilly, Keylin. I scrolled through that chat. How…normal. How…friendly. The next chat on the descending list was the class group of her previous class. More than one year has passed since they stopped learning together. And yet the group was still very active. I scrolled up and saw the planning of a class gathering in the recent winter holidays. That class bonded like super glue! Whereas our current class, we hardly even use the group chat. I guess the electrostatic forces of attraction of gas molecules far apart would be a good way to describe the strength and magnitude of our unity. (On hindsight, I then walked back to Francine, and saw that her previous class was also just as bonded, and socially active as a group. I guess it’s just my previous class then. But perhaps even they were bonded too. It’s just that I don't know it and will never get to know, because I was never included in the WhatsApp chat they used. I did hear that it used to be quite active, and I’m sure it still is now.) I scrolled through more individual chats this girl had, revealing an even more narcissistic and cutesy-lover side than I had ever seen of Amelia. More kitsch. The phone was placed back on the shelf of the girl’s hands.
Seated conveniently in front of Amelia was Ike’s. She likes gaming and sports, and a football game was running on her iPhone 4, FIFA perhaps. I decided to pass her on. It would probably be inconsequential. Anyway, it isn’t like she is the most vocal of our group, and if I were researching inter-relations within our group, she would be the right choice to skip. And so I slithered around her table, which was the one my friends were gathered around before, and skittered along to Yao.
She lay on the table and evidently her phone was out of sight. Where else could it be but…I went over to her side and reached carefully into her pocket. Her phone obeyed my desires and slid onto my hand. I clicked the "Home" button, and “B-I-A-N-V-E-N-E” I typed. The phone flashed to turn on. The memo app was last thing she was using before Yao fell asleep. “I used to rule the world, and I will once again”, “I will become successful and go find Bian. She will accept me again”, “Get a GPA of 3.5 so that I'll be accepted into Philosophy class next year”, the ambitious goals my boat captain had. I double clicked the vulnerable little round button of her iPhone 6. WhatsApp was the next most recent app she used. The first chat was one with Ike (ehh...strange? they talked?). I scrolled through it.
Ike (I): Yaooooo
Yao (Y): hey, like, watsupp, Ike?
I: is Sashimi angry that we discussed the project about anti gravity particles without her? she said something about "seedless grapes" today. what sort of insult is that?
Y: it’s okay, we were just brainstorming, nothing to be guilty about.
I: what if she thinks my idea is shit and disses it?
Y: then I will support you, don't worry.
*a few hours*
Y: you know, I realized that the most caring person, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, is Kuh? That day, after all of you left for your Extracurriculars, I was crying and Kuh was the only one comforting me. She really understands me. And Sashimi was there, and she didn't even give a shit.
I: Sashimi sucks at comforting people…so even if she wanted to help you, she can’t.
Y: you know, sometimes I wonder if Sashimi really cared about me. Like, it seems like I’m being used. When I give her suggestions I’m always thinking the best for her. And she hasn't even given me anything. I said that appreciation of our friendship by mini gifts on special occasions means a lot to me, and she didn't even care. Its been more than a month and she still hasn't bought me my birthday present.
I: you know, she once told me that she had no friends before us, and I was like wtf. So maybe she doesn't know about all this.
Y: but she had June-Scarlet last year
I: but June-Scarlet is so weird…
Y: yea, I know right. So maybe June-Scarlet didn't teach Sashimi about what friends should do for each other.
I: Sashimi has no ethics and no morals haha
Y: anyway, I doubt how much Sashimi really treats me as a friend. It really feels like she is making use of me. I should tell my Neurologist that I have paranoia.
I: yeah, but don't make it seem like you’re your epilepsy has turned you into a schizo.
Y: thanks for comforting me, tho. I feel so much better now. Maybe we should just ignore Sashimi and stop being friends with her. You know, Sashimi looks down on me. She always puts me down and insults me.
I: I know, I would think so too. She’s thinks she’s so smart, she should just go find some smarter friends.
Y: yep, ikr, i will tell her that. goodnight, and thank you.
Reading the chat message to this point my heart froze. My hands became cold and my legs failed to support my stance. I plopped to the ground and the vortex of air molecules swirled above my head, static charge pulling on the hairs of my skin. Like a broken tap, tears flowed out of my eyes. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what was happening. The iPhone fell to the ground with a clink and the screen turned black. I tensed my back to stay, at least, seated on the floor. But still, my head hit the ground. No pain at all, for there was no gravity, no force pulling me down. Even then, the maximum surface area of my body was now touching the cold, dry, hard floor. My hair floated around my face. And then settled over my eyes. The urge to push it out of the way of my sight, combined with the inability to move my hands made me cry even harder. With all the strength I could muster, I rolled over into a fetal position. Then I screamed and shouted, releasing all the glucose converted energy as sound waves produced by my vocal cords. I coughed and wheezed.
How could they…the innocently immature musician-athlete Ike, and the more than two and a half years older than me Yao. I would have thought that they were loyal in their friendship to me. Like, I wouldn't bitch about Ike to Yao, or Yao to Ike! I have enough decency for THAT. But what is this, gossiping and strengthening their hatred towards me, the awesome Sashimi. Saying that I’m, what, a proud asshat? Condescending bitch? An uncaring stone? Using people like some cunning politician? That I get jealous easily? Most importantly, that I NEED SOMEONE TO TEACH ME HOW FRIENDSHIP WORKS, BECAUSE I AM JUST TOO STUPID AND MY EQ IS TOO DAMN LOW TO FIND OUT BY MYSELF? And also, telling each other to “discriminate Sashimi and just do our own thing for the physics project”? I felt the betrayal I hadn’t felt for a long time, in fact since Brutus killed Caesar.
I remain lying on the cement floor. Tall above me, the frozen children of god, arses glued to their seats and eyeballs glued to their phones. On my left, the demonized creature of Yao whom I once sailed the seven seas with. My eyes were blurry with tears. Like a pagan I was the sacrificial lamb, my fate, my destiny, was to live forever. I should have capitulated. I should have known. To remain innocent forever was impossible. I need to experience heartbreak to grow up, right? The followers built the floor as an altar, people who died would be placed in a paten on the floor. Through generations I have endured physical pain. And now it’s time I suffer even more, a price to pay for being the chosen one.
Seemingly, an eternity had gone by. I felt a tingling sensation in my fingertips. I knew what that was. A memory. When I was releasing the African slaves while in time stop, opening one lock at a time, and then I lost control of the time. The imperialist British caught me. Sent me to burn at the stake. I only escaped because I regained my strength to stop the time again and untie the Jesus-crucifixion binds. I can’t let my classmates see me in this pathetic state! I can’t shock them with pseudo-teleportation! I need to get back to my seat! Anxiety and determination could overthrow the force of depression. I stood up and shoved the iPhone back into Yao’s pocket, and managed to drag my feet back to my seat. I didn't want to restart time voluntarily, so I simply returned to closing my eyes, and waited.
All the strength I once had, it completely disappeared from my limbs. I guess I had went over my limit. My body became warmer exponentially and the tingling sensation spread throughout my body. The ringing in my ears became louder. Rainbow colors flashed in my eyes. I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to risk appearing weird and being discovered, if say, time started while I was shouting. It was so much more painful for time to force itself back on me than if I restarted it myself. But I decided to embrace the pain. At least this was physical, I could deal with this better than emotional pain.
I opened my eyes. All these students were still where they were, oblivious to what I had just experienced. Like nothing had happened, they unfroze and resumed tapping on their screens. No one noticed me. I felt lethargic and stoned. The teacher entered soon.
Well, well, well. It sure has been a long ride since the beginning of 2016. Yao is now two-and-something months away from being a complete, 21 year old adult. She is accomplished-as-fuck. And she has many friends and is a great leader, albeit manipulative and egoistic. Ike is really smart and topped the cohort in Chemistry. Amelia is the epitome of a successful student, on the Dean's list, and a great leader too. Francine is now in my class, a pneumatic flirt who can't keep her mouth shut to spare my life. That Friday which Yao confronted me for looking at her messages (hey, i really think i've written about this before...), June-Scarlet sent me a threatening message, after which she swore we were officially no longer friends. I stalked her a few months later. But in 2017 I started talking to June-Scarlet again. Yao has trust issues and I am too depressed to please her, so we are no longer together. And about Ike's name, it is Eisenhower. Yao often talks about how Kuh (whats German for cow, she's an ass) is a bitch, but they still hang out for some reason. Sashimi has been royally fucked over by the Singapore Education System and is depressed now.
Edit: Hetalia may have fucked up my life by influencing me to take History as a subject beyond the level at which I am capable. But then again I only liked Hetalia because I studied history. Its circular and very fucked up.
Another thing: In this story everyone's names are fucked up. Amelia and Francine are the only actual names. My "group" of "friends", I tried to model it around the Allies in Hetalia that many writers do too. 'Cept that I failed. Amelia and Francine are the Nyo! names of Alfred and Francis. Yao is just Yao because I can't be bothered. But the actual person I'm writing about is only Half Chinese? How ironic. But I guess the name fits because she's the oldest. Ike is supposed to represent UK but that's an american president and it doesn't make sense? I assigned her as UK because I thought she was awkward, but she turned out to be more successful than me so arghhHHH. But also she's related to the UK because her first name is one of Shakespeare's characters. and Shakespeare was English. As for me, the last one remaining is Russia of course. 'Cos I'm a stinking communist. 'Cos I can't not be weird to save my life. And if I wanted a name related to Ivan I could have chosen like Natalya or something, or choose one of the many many names from Natasha, Pierre And The Great Comet Of 1812. Or War and Peace. A hell lot of names and I just decided to name myself after a fucking food. A piece of fish that gets fucking sliced up like fucking salami. But whatever. I am a Sashimi too.
And the Lit trio of Kory, Feuilly and Keylin. Though not all of them are Lighted up. And not all of them are Lit anyway. Kory sounds like a dinosaur. But it also sounds like her actual name. Feuilly is from Les Miserables, and there is no reason except that it sounds like a girls name. Keylin sounds like the actual name too.
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