Demonic Interiew, Constrained, Strained and Irksome
23 Apr 2019
This is a rant about how pissed I am and how dehydrated I am and how my neck and my head hurts. The day 12/04/19. I went to an interview, pretty important and a crazy good job so you'd expect that the process is quite crazy as well. The damn interview was an affair that took up my entire morning, and its effects lasted the entire day, and I think it will not end. The preparation plus the travelling and the rituals was the entire morning, or a quarter of my day since 6.30am, with the actual interview being a jaw-dropping half of that time. Can you fcking believe it?
I don’t know if I should be proud of my accomplishment or what. I made a fcking I/O psychologist perceive me as a whiney and emotional “emo” overgrown teenager, already nineteen but “frightened like a child, lazy and numb”. I didn’t intend that at all, but after I typed that I realise that this Pierre Bezukhov quote fits me so, so well. And who gets upset easily when things don’t go my way and becomes withdrawn and destroys the mood for a very long time because I don’t dare to share my opinion but expect people to read my mind. And a follower who does whatever others tell her to. Perhaps I was also sleep deprived, but I probably made her very confused as to how I actually managed to eke out a measly A in like, General Paper and Project Work, because my tongue and my brain was really failing me at that time. I mean, what can I do, it’s a fcking three-hour long interview, I hate speaking, and I am tired. TIRED. And yeah, thanks for reminding me about how I am someone who doesn’t have close relationships and is a “loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell, but secretly yearns for heaven”. I think the only non-cringeworthy thing I said was my love for Broadway musicals and this piece also shows it. But even then, I almost outed myself by talking about how I access it, like fcking bootlegs are supposedly illegal. Damn. And I continued talking about bootlegged movies like I was literally digging my own grave. But God bless computers and word processors, because my speed of crazy thought is far too fast for handwriting and hearing my own voice is paralysing enough that my thoughts freeze, so thanks to this set-up I am able to type. And also, the Phantom quote is that I am in such an ugly and unpresentable state because my clothes are stained and I just realised it before the interview, and by the end I had peeled my finger skin literally raw.
And yeah also I thought of recording it. Like literally when the psych tells me to switch off my phone I was like “yes, it’s off” and then I immediately regret all my earlier actions because, how useful is a recording of the interview? It’s so so introspective to ask myself these questions. If by the action of Stars, I find a life partner I get to ask them these same questions. Big fat LMAO. But it really doesn’t matter. The interview was three hours long, and in that time of the interview my phone battery would have died, because even a Samsung S9+ is not match for a behemoth three-hour interview. And also, my voice was so bad and such a mumble and such of increasing the pitch towards the end of all my sentences because every moment I am doubting what I just said, because, Karen, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT DADDY ISSUES TO A PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER??? And you realise how I didn’t complete the sentence and got side-tracked? Well fuck that, that’s how my brain functions. What I wanted to say what that my voice is so cringe that I would literally just puke when hearing what I said during the interview, that if I were to hear the phantom recording, I would want to throw my phone in a ditch and set it on fire. That’s how much I hate myself.
And yes, the psychologist thinks, what the hell is this insecure puny RBF bitch doing trying to land a god-tier job progression scheme. She needs to get her insecurities in order before we ever consider allowing her to deal with our security or serve us with securities rebalancing. (And that is an ass-reference to my two majors that I may be studying, namely computing and business.)
And a side note that may or may not be related to the disastrous interview. There are four languages I may want to learn. French, German, Korean, and Japanese. And occasionally Scots and Russian. And hell, I may easily be able to get a significant level of understanding very easily. As in I can understand what a Korean is saying, I can briefly read simple French sentences. But I will never be able to speak or write new languages. Hell be this a prophecy. Anyways, “French and Korean” flows easily from my tongue. And in response to what languages I want to learn, out comes this spit before I even realise what I am saying. Even though I intended to say the K and J language. Jokes.
Again, how do you make a psychologist pissed with you and feel that she has wasted her time by interviewing you? By being me. Sashimi-san/Gilbert/Nataly or whatever name I go by. And yes, the last one is inspired by War and Peace. Perhaps my England was really failing me at that time. Perhaps my brain really is malfunctioning. Or, perhaps my bra is too tight and has cut off circulation to my body and my lymph nodes are accumulating waste and I am wasting away. But the psychologist’s questions are un-answerable. How do I know what to answer if I don’t even know what the question is asking? And she proceeds to raise her voice and gets angry towards the end of the interview when my tired mind cannot grasp the implications of the question and asks for clarification. And also getting impatient when I stare into blank space not knowing what to say to reply her question because I feel like I have already spoken about every event in my life worth saying, especially the uneventful and depressive “last two years”. And I think she shifted her computer because I was glancing at her branded watch every few minutes and I think she realised. And breaking tangent, also, she has a branded bag. I don’t know what brand is it, but it has a clasp with two diametrically opposing outward facing flattened C-shaped logos. Kinda flowy calligraphy style. Well, companies that bother to hire I/O psychologists and use them for interviews must certainly pay cushy salaries. Oh well fuck my life for screwing up this interview. Especially if it’s the leadership of crazy XX Inc., as seasoned investor/trader veteran Mr Wong puts it in the last talk of his I went to on 9th April. And coming back from the tangent, who can I blame but myself for my boring life? great, I am a philosopher enough that I can ramble on if you allow me to just talk about by various beliefs and values based on theories I have read and the trivia that I know. But using events in my life to psychoanalyse myself? I have an extremely boring life. And though some would call me a Mugger AND Muggle who spends all my time studying and has no life and ideas of my own and simply does whatever my Tiger parents says, I strongly beg to differ. Yes, I have no life. Yes, I do not know my interests. But I would place the blame on chronic depression and anxiety brought on by undiagnosed and untreated Asperger’s Syndrome. And this is starting to sound like the positive version of Dąbrowski’s theory. But I am really not sure if I should be self-diagnosing when I am unstable and casually suicidal.
Thanks for putting a better phrasing in when I say that I am a push-over. Isn’t it reassuring when Eve (Yay I can finally remember her name? Anyways, Eve, Eva and I went hiking just a Sunday ago. And from then on, my sternum and collarbones had been tight.) says that I am not the least dominant in our little group of friends. There is hope for me. And I think I need a new name for someone else. But here goes, she’s called Rei, and she’s really tall. And for the past few months in 2019 she has had reddish brown hair. Anyway, if, knock on wood, but if Rei’s interview were to go wrong, then we will know definitively that Rei is the least dominant in our group. But I think she will succeed. Because she doesn’t get massive anxiety when talking to people. Seriously. Unlike me.
Time skip to 16/04/19, 2235h and what my thoughts are.
This originally started as a day’s recall. But something has enraged me and made it necessary that I touch on income inequality and elitism, and a concept I heard in a play, Press Gang by W!LD RICE productions. It was held in Lasalle. This concept of being priorly corrupt. Yes, this refers to what you think it refers to. Here we draw some parallels to Tolstoy’s War and Peace. During the war where King Alexander is in the battlefield, the generals and colonels and the officers and the entire staff is unable to function because everyone is trying to suck up to Alexander. And the Counts earn between 120000 and 300000 Rubles a year. And I don’t know much about inflation of the Ruble, but I do know that that is a hellishly large amount in a time when shoes cost like 1 Ruble. And that is way too much money for anyone to earn in a year when slaves existed. And the elites and the royalty and the government owns too much money. And bringing it back to Singapore. Singapore has long done away with Imperial Ranks. And I don’t think it is too bold to assume that since the inception of Singapore, we have never used imperial ranks. (psst only that Lee Kuan Yew is our God.) I think any person who has gone through social studies in school or is even a bit informed about current affairs will know about the issue of various cases of discrimination according to Class. And the blatant elitism that exists. I feel it. And it just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s an itchy feeling. Its puke-inducing just thinking about it, that the higher ranks should be so much more highly paid as compared to the average person. Like it or not, life is not a movie. We are the 99%. To be “priorly corrupt” is not illegal in any way. It does not even come close to breaking the harshest of anti-corruption laws. (Though I must say that, even within very small SMEs formed by friends, there exists corruption, what’s to ascertain that larger corporations, countries included, should not have corruption??) It is to pay the company’s own management very huge salaries, in essence bribing them to not bribe others, but it is done in a way which is so transparent and so black-and-white that the 99% can only gawk and gape at the pure grossness of it.
And a very quick tangent. A place in Singapore called Si Ma Lu which contains various places of worship such as Maghain Aboth Synagogue, Church of Saints Peter and Paul, Sri Krishnan Temple and Kwan Im Thong Hood Cho Temple, is actually called Waterloo Street in English. Yes, there are many “Waterloo Streets” in the world. But this is a realisation. Ok I just finished reading up to the First Epilogue of the Tolstoy epic War and Peace. And Yes, this has nothing to do with waterloo, which happened in I guess, 1815. But pretty cool thing, I guess.
This is a rant about how pissed I am and how dehydrated I am and how my neck and my head hurts. The day 12/04/19. I went to an interview, pretty important and a crazy good job so you'd expect that the process is quite crazy as well. The damn interview was an affair that took up my entire morning, and its effects lasted the entire day, and I think it will not end. The preparation plus the travelling and the rituals was the entire morning, or a quarter of my day since 6.30am, with the actual interview being a jaw-dropping half of that time. Can you fcking believe it?
I don’t know if I should be proud of my accomplishment or what. I made a fcking I/O psychologist perceive me as a whiney and emotional “emo” overgrown teenager, already nineteen but “frightened like a child, lazy and numb”. I didn’t intend that at all, but after I typed that I realise that this Pierre Bezukhov quote fits me so, so well. And who gets upset easily when things don’t go my way and becomes withdrawn and destroys the mood for a very long time because I don’t dare to share my opinion but expect people to read my mind. And a follower who does whatever others tell her to. Perhaps I was also sleep deprived, but I probably made her very confused as to how I actually managed to eke out a measly A in like, General Paper and Project Work, because my tongue and my brain was really failing me at that time. I mean, what can I do, it’s a fcking three-hour long interview, I hate speaking, and I am tired. TIRED. And yeah, thanks for reminding me about how I am someone who doesn’t have close relationships and is a “loathsome gargoyle, who burns in hell, but secretly yearns for heaven”. I think the only non-cringeworthy thing I said was my love for Broadway musicals and this piece also shows it. But even then, I almost outed myself by talking about how I access it, like fcking bootlegs are supposedly illegal. Damn. And I continued talking about bootlegged movies like I was literally digging my own grave. But God bless computers and word processors, because my speed of crazy thought is far too fast for handwriting and hearing my own voice is paralysing enough that my thoughts freeze, so thanks to this set-up I am able to type. And also, the Phantom quote is that I am in such an ugly and unpresentable state because my clothes are stained and I just realised it before the interview, and by the end I had peeled my finger skin literally raw.
And yeah also I thought of recording it. Like literally when the psych tells me to switch off my phone I was like “yes, it’s off” and then I immediately regret all my earlier actions because, how useful is a recording of the interview? It’s so so introspective to ask myself these questions. If by the action of Stars, I find a life partner I get to ask them these same questions. Big fat LMAO. But it really doesn’t matter. The interview was three hours long, and in that time of the interview my phone battery would have died, because even a Samsung S9+ is not match for a behemoth three-hour interview. And also, my voice was so bad and such a mumble and such of increasing the pitch towards the end of all my sentences because every moment I am doubting what I just said, because, Karen, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT DADDY ISSUES TO A PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER??? And you realise how I didn’t complete the sentence and got side-tracked? Well fuck that, that’s how my brain functions. What I wanted to say what that my voice is so cringe that I would literally just puke when hearing what I said during the interview, that if I were to hear the phantom recording, I would want to throw my phone in a ditch and set it on fire. That’s how much I hate myself.
And yes, the psychologist thinks, what the hell is this insecure puny RBF bitch doing trying to land a god-tier job progression scheme. She needs to get her insecurities in order before we ever consider allowing her to deal with our security or serve us with securities rebalancing. (And that is an ass-reference to my two majors that I may be studying, namely computing and business.)
And a side note that may or may not be related to the disastrous interview. There are four languages I may want to learn. French, German, Korean, and Japanese. And occasionally Scots and Russian. And hell, I may easily be able to get a significant level of understanding very easily. As in I can understand what a Korean is saying, I can briefly read simple French sentences. But I will never be able to speak or write new languages. Hell be this a prophecy. Anyways, “French and Korean” flows easily from my tongue. And in response to what languages I want to learn, out comes this spit before I even realise what I am saying. Even though I intended to say the K and J language. Jokes.
Again, how do you make a psychologist pissed with you and feel that she has wasted her time by interviewing you? By being me. Sashimi-san/Gilbert/Nataly or whatever name I go by. And yes, the last one is inspired by War and Peace. Perhaps my England was really failing me at that time. Perhaps my brain really is malfunctioning. Or, perhaps my bra is too tight and has cut off circulation to my body and my lymph nodes are accumulating waste and I am wasting away. But the psychologist’s questions are un-answerable. How do I know what to answer if I don’t even know what the question is asking? And she proceeds to raise her voice and gets angry towards the end of the interview when my tired mind cannot grasp the implications of the question and asks for clarification. And also getting impatient when I stare into blank space not knowing what to say to reply her question because I feel like I have already spoken about every event in my life worth saying, especially the uneventful and depressive “last two years”. And I think she shifted her computer because I was glancing at her branded watch every few minutes and I think she realised. And breaking tangent, also, she has a branded bag. I don’t know what brand is it, but it has a clasp with two diametrically opposing outward facing flattened C-shaped logos. Kinda flowy calligraphy style. Well, companies that bother to hire I/O psychologists and use them for interviews must certainly pay cushy salaries. Oh well fuck my life for screwing up this interview. Especially if it’s the leadership of crazy XX Inc., as seasoned investor/trader veteran Mr Wong puts it in the last talk of his I went to on 9th April. And coming back from the tangent, who can I blame but myself for my boring life? great, I am a philosopher enough that I can ramble on if you allow me to just talk about by various beliefs and values based on theories I have read and the trivia that I know. But using events in my life to psychoanalyse myself? I have an extremely boring life. And though some would call me a Mugger AND Muggle who spends all my time studying and has no life and ideas of my own and simply does whatever my Tiger parents says, I strongly beg to differ. Yes, I have no life. Yes, I do not know my interests. But I would place the blame on chronic depression and anxiety brought on by undiagnosed and untreated Asperger’s Syndrome. And this is starting to sound like the positive version of Dąbrowski’s theory. But I am really not sure if I should be self-diagnosing when I am unstable and casually suicidal.
Thanks for putting a better phrasing in when I say that I am a push-over. Isn’t it reassuring when Eve (Yay I can finally remember her name? Anyways, Eve, Eva and I went hiking just a Sunday ago. And from then on, my sternum and collarbones had been tight.) says that I am not the least dominant in our little group of friends. There is hope for me. And I think I need a new name for someone else. But here goes, she’s called Rei, and she’s really tall. And for the past few months in 2019 she has had reddish brown hair. Anyway, if, knock on wood, but if Rei’s interview were to go wrong, then we will know definitively that Rei is the least dominant in our group. But I think she will succeed. Because she doesn’t get massive anxiety when talking to people. Seriously. Unlike me.
Time skip to 16/04/19, 2235h and what my thoughts are.
This originally started as a day’s recall. But something has enraged me and made it necessary that I touch on income inequality and elitism, and a concept I heard in a play, Press Gang by W!LD RICE productions. It was held in Lasalle. This concept of being priorly corrupt. Yes, this refers to what you think it refers to. Here we draw some parallels to Tolstoy’s War and Peace. During the war where King Alexander is in the battlefield, the generals and colonels and the officers and the entire staff is unable to function because everyone is trying to suck up to Alexander. And the Counts earn between 120000 and 300000 Rubles a year. And I don’t know much about inflation of the Ruble, but I do know that that is a hellishly large amount in a time when shoes cost like 1 Ruble. And that is way too much money for anyone to earn in a year when slaves existed. And the elites and the royalty and the government owns too much money. And bringing it back to Singapore. Singapore has long done away with Imperial Ranks. And I don’t think it is too bold to assume that since the inception of Singapore, we have never used imperial ranks. (psst only that Lee Kuan Yew is our God.) I think any person who has gone through social studies in school or is even a bit informed about current affairs will know about the issue of various cases of discrimination according to Class. And the blatant elitism that exists. I feel it. And it just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s an itchy feeling. Its puke-inducing just thinking about it, that the higher ranks should be so much more highly paid as compared to the average person. Like it or not, life is not a movie. We are the 99%. To be “priorly corrupt” is not illegal in any way. It does not even come close to breaking the harshest of anti-corruption laws. (Though I must say that, even within very small SMEs formed by friends, there exists corruption, what’s to ascertain that larger corporations, countries included, should not have corruption??) It is to pay the company’s own management very huge salaries, in essence bribing them to not bribe others, but it is done in a way which is so transparent and so black-and-white that the 99% can only gawk and gape at the pure grossness of it.
And a very quick tangent. A place in Singapore called Si Ma Lu which contains various places of worship such as Maghain Aboth Synagogue, Church of Saints Peter and Paul, Sri Krishnan Temple and Kwan Im Thong Hood Cho Temple, is actually called Waterloo Street in English. Yes, there are many “Waterloo Streets” in the world. But this is a realisation. Ok I just finished reading up to the First Epilogue of the Tolstoy epic War and Peace. And Yes, this has nothing to do with waterloo, which happened in I guess, 1815. But pretty cool thing, I guess.
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