disillusioningillusion

24/12/22 Its over. My personhood is still lost somewhere in the abyss; I did not find it. I did not regain my personhood. Sapere aude. But I do not dare to look, I do not dare to know. What is knowledge for, and what is education for? Clearly, I was wrong in answering the latter. In fact, they do want me dead, “my” x mod 6 = 1. It was constant pain. Alas I did not earn my right to be treated as a human. And again and again and again I had contemplated exercising my radical freedom, almost deciding to back out gracefully. But it turns out I did not need to do a thing. Or should I say, I could not do a thing. I had no choice in the matter. Come to think about it, just what do I actually have control and power over? I had no say in anything. I had always thought that I had the power, but really I do not. In love as in work, I do not hold the phallus. In love, I had believed that he has castrated himself in his love, giving me the phallus which he thought he had. I thought I had the p

19/12/22 This is genuinely my Julius Caesar moment. How time flies. And though it be past midnight, but “tomorrow” is the big reveal. And what was CS3219 for, if not insanely Sisyphean, and low-key masochistic. I think i have said this so many times. I am a hedonist, and not of the masochist breed. I don’t like pain. I don’t like torture. I identify more with the S in the SM in BDSM than the M. (Unfortunately, Denji might have a bit of incel energy, and he is a traditionalist in the patriarchal context. Which means he is also an S, not an M. This is something else we have to unpack. And also, i guess “Denji” is his name now, the person who was mentioned nameless which i had intended to name, had he stayed. Its one and a half years, but now he finally has a name.) CS3219 makes me out to be a masochist for a few reasons. I completed 39 out of 35 required points for the OTOT task. Why? I don’t know. Maybe its misdirected hyperfocus. And peer pressure. Team meetings / “stand-ups” wer