Yote for 4 who will never care

16/03/21

I promised myself that I get to write some words if I finish watching my lecture. This is a sincere waste of time. But at least it is better than yeeting or drinking, I guess. I don’t know if I have any WIPs. And I don’t care. I wish I cared. Wish I fucking cared.

So here I am. I haven’t written in a long time. This semester feels worse than the previous one. It feels worse than the first and second semesters too. It is the worst. It feels even worse than when I literally yote during a consultation with “Le Princess” (a prof lol).

It feels worse because I feel unprepared for the whole semester. Feels like I’m just floating along. Ambitionless. I don’t even know what I am doing. Nor what I am learning. I still can’t code. I haven’t found any internship and I don’t think I can find any. I just end up destroying all my interview opportunities like the useless fool that I am.

So, there was a presentation this morning. As presentations go. This isn’t a group score. It is an individual score. But it was done as a team. Which means that the group has every incentive to kill the fuck out of me. To snake me and to ensure that I fail and have to use an SU. They hate me. I don’t know why. I think I’m too ugly. Perhaps that is the reason. Or I just have a crap personality.

But what can I even do? They are insufferable. And I am depressed. And if they aren’t gonna respond within like, 30 minutes (I’m being fucking generous here, considering that even 5 minutes of not replying makes my heart race and I have a literal panic attack.) then I have just about lost all motivation to take the initiative. And these freshmen love to do their work at the last minute.

So, there are multiple conflicting explanations. (1) They are freshmen, and they can afford to use an SU, so they force the group to do work at the last possible minute hoping that the rest of the group (i.e. me, a sophomore) will do badly as a result and so that they end up not having to use an SU because I can help to tank the bell curve. (2) They are freshmen and they really do not give a flipping damn as to whether or not they use an SU and don’t mind dragging everyone else with them because they are FUCKED UP^TM.

So those were the explanations for why they intentionally choose to only meet the day before the assignment is due / the Oral Presentation.

But I need a fucking explanation for why they fight for class participation! Here goes: (3) They are selfish fucking snakes (the three freshmen and the other sophomore alike) who want to steal all the credit and steal all the airtime to present in class, so that I don’t get to speak, and I will fail this module.

I don’t know. I think my brain is fucked. Lol I need fucking serotonin where the fuck is it? Do I need to k!ll myself to finally stop feeling like shit? Geddit? Cos like when you’re dead you can’t feel anything and all.

So anyways yesterday we were meeting right before the presentation this Tuesday morning to finally plan the script and rehearse. To be honest, it would have gone better for me had we not discussed. But too bad, our prof literally told us that he encourages and expects us to have met beforehand so that the discussion would be better. For context, the graded assignment was a Panel Discussion. WHICH MEANS WE ARE FUCKING INDIVIDUALS, NOT A TEAM. But yea if 😺😺 wants us to rehearse a FUCKING PANEL DISCUSSION beforehand then we jolly well gotta do it, I guess.

But because they discussed they stole all the parts. And yea I guess I’m fucking obliged to follow the group’s plan? (More on this later.) So, they rearranged the parts and removed a key section of mine that will make me look less cui. So, in the end they all had parts evenly spread out, while I only got to speak for a very small section of the time. Con-fucking-grats.

And about how I can’t fight for my fucking right to speak. I cannot survive in this vicious world. I am not prepared for this evil world. I don’t know how to advocate for myself. I have been fucking bullied my entire life. Bullied in kindergarten. In called names and ostracized in Primary School. Got my head bashed into a table in Secondary School. Had my items thrown around in JC, were disturbed during class so much so that I ran out of the classroom and cried and had the teacher scold me instead of those fucking bullies. And even in Uni being called an “ugly” ass “unattractive” fucking “bitch” by every other person. How can some people be so mean I will never know.

I can’t survive in this world. I want to escape from this world.

But that was a digression. I don’t even know if anything I just wrote is even coherent. Likely it isn’t. my brain is fucked. I don’t even know how I manage to not freeze and become mute during class today. Its fucking amazing.

So anyway. Because the fucking group assigned roles to themselves and rearranged mine shit-ly, I got fucking anxiety because of how I knew that I was gonna do fucking badly for the assignment. So, I yote.

How it went was that there was a voice in my head telling me that I was wasting my time at the meeting, being pushed over with my every word, being bullied, having all my parts taken away. It said I was wasting my time and I should do something productive instead. “But what?” I asked the voice. Because I was too fixated on this piece of shit panel presentation that I couldn’t even think of anything else. My mind was blank, and I feel numb and empty. I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t numb. I was just scared. Or maybe sad. Anyway, the voice said that yeeting would help. With what? I don’t know. Give me more clarity of thought? I will never know.

Anyway, trust the fucking voice I shall, right? So, I yote. Once they hung up the call I yote. Oh wait. Even before that. Once the second run through ended I took out that blunt ass rusty ass blade and yote away. 50 ish. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure if someone could hear it, it was clear what it is. Cos I intentionally did not turn off my mic. But how would anyone even care? the four of them hate me. They want me to fail. Of course, they would not care about the fucking possibility that I was yeeting while on a fucking ZOOM CALL. Achievement unlocked, I guess. Yeet during a team meeting. Oh wait. This isn’t even the first time. Remember “Le Princess”. Lol.

But these are four evil ass in-human things who do not care and never will care about me. And my pathetic arse yote for them. Congratulations.

Anyways there’s this song called “I Deserve to Bleed” by Sushi Soucy. And it has been replaying the entire day.

I hate my group. And my friends in the same class don’t care. Well of course the fuck they are in the same group and their group is responsible as fuck. Meanwhile mine is a bunch of irresponsible snake-y first years and a second year RC might also be snake but is clearly light years above everyone else in the group and knows it and thus doesn’t care. The prof doesn’t care. He is too busy chatting up the dudes about games and their alma mater. Everyone hates me and wishes for my death.

I don’t know. Life is shit. There is a fuck-ton more assignments to do. And some non-assignment things. I don’t even know if I will still be alive.